I did something creative

It's been a while since I posted anything. All kinds of zany shit going on in my head right now, but I'll focus on something positive and fulfilling.

I was a part of an INCREDIBLE wedding last weekend (10/06/13) and got to flex my budding seamstress wings in the process. I did some minor alterations to a dress, but I'm pretty proud of the outcome and wanted to share.


So here's the dress in it's original glory. It's a size 6. Um. Yeah... I am not.

First step was to take the lace around the waist off. I pulled out my trusty seam ripper and went to town. Here's the dress with the lace removed.

Then I pinned on the copper ribbon that would be replacing the lace. I only stabbed myself 20 times, but was very pleased with the look.

Here is the ribbon fully stitched into place. The ribbon is wired, so it laid down nice and flat for stitching! Only stabbed myself 10 times getting it on!

So the back was a little more tricky, and I didn't take overly fabulous "during" pictures. Ok, I didn't take any, haha. For the back I cut a modesty panel out of the skirt liner and stitched it in along the right side of the zipper (which was kept fully unzipped). The left side of the modesty panel hooks into place with hook & eye closures. Since I had plenty of ribbon left over, and the back had a weird pucker to it, I decided to throw in a slight corset back. Along the zipper, I measured out loops and made them out of the same copper thread that I stitched the ribbon onto the dress with. I then threaded the ribbon through and voila! Corset back! I blew up the below picture slightly so you can see the loops the ribbon goes through and the modesty panel in back.

And here is an action shot from the actual wedding. You can see the modesty panel in place and I tucked the loose ends of the ribbon into the back of the dress. In this shot I am fastening the beautiful brides shoe. Love those shoes. Love that girl!! I had a great time at the wedding, and I had fun working on the dress too! <3

Wrist Appointment

Well, it didn't go as well as I had hoped... my wrist still isn't fused. The carpals are all meshing together nicely, but the actual wrist (where my hand attaches to my forearm) still has a bit of a gap. I'm having it rechecked in 2 months. If it STILL isn't fused by that time, then we'll probably have to inject the wrist space with more "bone graft material" and see how it goes. I mentioned that I was having a great deal of discomfort lately, and she suggested I continue to do my own hand therapy, but keep lifting things with my left hand to a minimum. Lifting things might be causing little microscopic tears where those last 2 bones won't fuse, prolonging my healing. So I have to cut it's use waaaaaaay back.

 

Sucks, but it is what it is.

 

I'm trying not to feel disappointed and defeated, but it's hard. We are 2 months post-op and I STILL can't use my hand. It's just a little discouraging.

Busting My Butt (In A Good Way!)

I've been pretty quiet lately - mostly because I have been completely obsessed with working out and tracking my calories. I am so determined to loose weight and get fit... and doing it the right way! :)

This week I'm down 2 lbs. I've been tracking everything and thus far I've burned 900 calories. That's this week. To say I'm proud is an understatement! I'm really working hard. My face has even started to slim down already... Thank goodness!!!



Test

Attempting to post from my kindle. Let's see if this app works!

Post Op Appt

Just got in from my latest post op appointment with Dr Rohde. Have I mentioned how much I like her? Cuz I do. She gets my weird humor and gives it to me straight. My kinda Doctor!

Today I actually asked if I could have copies of my xrays and asked if I had her permission to use her name in this little blog o' mine. She gave an enthusiastic "yes!" and even asked for the URL. So if you're reading, Doc, "hi!"

It was a pretty straight forward appointment. Cast cut off, arm xrayed, follow up with the doctor. Its not quite where she wants to see it, so the cast is ace bandaged back on until I can get it splinted. She had suggested using one of my old ones... but they all have a bend in the wrist, and I no longer do. So custom splint it is!

I popped over to hands/OT after my appointment and gave them my script and scheduled my appointment for tomorrow. Then I will be FREE from this cast! YIPPEE!!!!

So progress is being made and I'm a happier camper than I was the other day. Pain still sucks, but it's gradually getting better.

Here's my show and tell moment!

Alrighty, first set of x-rays are pre-op (before my surgery). I was nice and put the left on the left side, and the right on the right side. SO! The right side is a fairly normal/healthy wrist. The left side is pretty jacked up. From the side you can see how my metatarsals (hand bones) are not lined up with my radius and ulna (forearm bones). There is a definite disconnect when you compare them side by side.

The dysfunction is even more obvious looking from the top down. Look at my right hand. You can see all my little carpals (wrist bones) lined up nice and pretty. Then look at the left - they are all over the place! Some are even up on top of the others! Definitely not quite right...

And here we have it... The postop (after surgery) final product. This is my wrist. My hardware. My plate and 8 screws. My hand is crazy atrophied (where the muscle shrinks away from disuse), so it is super skinny. My middle finger metatarsal is also slightly crooked to the left, so it gives my hand a slight bend to the outside... but I suspect as I build the muscle back up in my hand, it will flesh out and not be so noticeable.

There you have it, folks. I'll post pics tomorrow if my splint is finished.

I Dreamed A Dream...

I love this version. Haven't listened to it in a really long time. The meaning is so different now... living with a chronic illness that slowly takes away everything you love about life.

"I had a dream my life would be... So different from this hell I'm living..."

Its a high pain, low morale kind of day.





Then, on YouTube, while sifting through some of my favorite singers, I come across this gem:

 

Ok, first of all, Brian Stokes Mitchell is my favorite baritone (sorry Dad...) and this song really moved me to remember the bigger picture. Plus epic crescendo's always make my hair stand on end. In a good way.

 

 

Speaking of epic crescendo's, this one gets me every time too:

 



My favorite tenor of all time, Luciano Pavarotti. The final stance when he's singing guts out? He's saying "Vincero! Vincero! Vincero!" which in Italian sounds like "vini-cello." Translation?

I will be victorious.

 

 

 

 

I hear you universe... I hear you. Vincero!

Post Op - 2 weeks

Here we are, 2 weeks post op.

I'll be completely frank. This surgery SUCKED. Pain management was really an issue for the first 5 days... but everything is under control and I am completely off prescription pain medications. Yay. There were several nights tho that I really was having a hard time... I feel very lucky that I had one of my best guy friends to talk to at 3am on several occasions, otherwise I may have gone mad.

So this begins my journey of learning how to use my arm/hand all over again. Everything is going to be different on that side... Everything.

Heres a couple pictures for those who are curious. If not, scroll quick. ;)

Shortly after surgery. Very swollen and uncomfortable. 

11 days post op - bandages come off and incision is revealed. Its lovely!

Detail of incision. Internal sutures and dermabond (skin adhesive glue)

I went with a nice black cast this time... Black goes with everything and is slimming, right? ;)

As for the actual surgery... Doc said it was "jacked up" in there, and she feels 100% confident this was the best choice. I'm also her youngest wrist fusion to date. I asked if that earned me a metal... "Why yes," she said. "Its in your arm!"

Very clever... ;D

I was missing cartilage in some spots, had mutating cartilage in others... it was just a mess. Now it will be so much better!


OH! I've also started the application process for disability. No clue how that will pan out, but I gotta give it a try.

T Minus 3 Days...

3 days until the fusion commences... and of course I get a wicked outer ear infection. I swear I need to do something about my OCD ear cleaning fetish. I started antibiotics yesterday and just have my fingers crossed it will be cleared up enough by Thursday for us to move forward. I've been taking Tylenol and alternating hot and cold compresses. I've also been using garlic oil drops. Stinks like crazy, but is pretty soothing too. Ready for that nonsense to calm right on down.

Ugh.

Fusion It Is

June 27th I go back under the knife, hopefully for the last time for this body part. I can't believe my surgery is only 10 days away. I'm a little excited, but mostly terrified right now. I made the mistake of researching the surgery further and watched a video of an actual procedure.

This is going to hurt so bad initially... So bad...

I'm sitting here trying not to cry at the moment. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed, yet I feel like I can't say anything to anyone. I've hinted that I'm nervous to family and friends... but this is more than just nervous. This is it. This is the absolute end of my massage career. There is no turning back after this surgery. Granted I can't do massage NOW, but with my wrist fused, I have to look at alternatives to everything going forward.

Driving (won't be so bad, I drive that way now)
Eating (will be tricky. Try cutting your food with one hand immobile at the wrist...)
Typing (until my hand is fused AND I can pronate my hand again, I'll be typing one handed.)
Showering (I HATE bathing with a garbage bag on my arm... but it is what it is.)
Grooming (since my elbow will also be immobilized during the cast process, my hair will be an absolute mess. Which reminds me... I should think about dying it next week so I don't have horrible roots right away)

I'm nervous.

Another Surgery?

Saw the Orth. Dr today. They took x-rays of both my wrists. The right one looks good - I have a pinched nerve from sleeping on the couch with my arm curled under me. I just have to sleep with it straight and it should clear up.

 

My left hand is a whole other story. She said the xrays were "ugly." The carpal bones are all twisted around and not sitting right. One of the bones that is supposed to sit in a little "socket" isn't even close. SHOCKER! But she said my options are few. Either leave it alone, or fuse the wrist. If we leave it, the wrist will remain unstable and will cause me pain for the rest of my life. It's not going to "get better" on it's own. It just is what it is. With the surgery, my wrist will be ridged, and basically stuck in the same position as when I wear my wrist brace. So I'll still be able to flip my hand over, type, etc... I just won't be able to flop my hand up and down (which I currently can't do anyways).

 

The surgery would be pretty brutal. Longer incision and some permanent hardware. They would strip all of my cartilage off my wrist bones and break a couple to promote bone growth. Then they would all just grow together. It would be similar to the first wrist surgery as far as post-op. It would be out patient and I would have another pain pump post op. Cast for 6-8 weeks and that's it.

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm leaning towards surgery, and sooner as opposed to later. I know it would be another summer in a cast, but with the fusion, I should be able to be WAY more hands on with the kids - as I won't be guarding that wrist and my pain will become zero after the bones heal.

 

Decisions Decisions...

Napping Weather

All weekend seemed to be perfect napping weather. Storms off and on, cooler temps... Then some sun with warm breezes. Made me yearn to go back up to Trelawny Resort (just outside of Alpena). 25 Fourth of July weeks were spent at that beach cottage resort, and this weekend smelled like Trelawny.

I miss it. I would love to go back someday.

Sunset from Trelawny.

Taking a Step in Any Direction

I'm completely at a crossroads in my life right now. So I took a step. I don't know if it was in the right direction, but it was a step in ANY direction. And now that I've taken it, I'm glad. Glad and freaking the heck out. But it was a step... and I can't be in limbo any longer. I can't hide or lie or pretend to feel something I don't. I had no freaking idea how hard this was going to be...

But it is what it is, and I've taken a step.

Taoist Thoughts...

I need to settle my heart and my mind on these thoughts.

“You can trust everyone to be human, with all the quirks and inconsistencies we humans display, including disloyalty, dishonesty and downright treachery. We are all capable of the entire range of human behavior, given the circumstances, from absolute saintliness to abject depravity. Trusting someone to limit their sphere of action to one narrow band on the spectrum is idealistic and will inevitably lead to disappointment.
On the other hand, you can decide to trust that everyone is doing their best according to their particular stage of development, and to give everyone their appropriate berth. For this to work, you have to trust yourself to make and have made the right choices that will lead you on the path to your healthy growth. You have to trust yourself to come through every experience safely and enriched. But don’t trust what I am saying. Listen and then decide for yourself. Does this information sit easily in your belly? You know when you trust yourself around someone because your belly feels settled and your heart feels warm.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior    


“Who you are is always right.”
― Deng Ming-Dao, Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony


“For a few moments, attune your mind to the idea of harmony and peaceful coexistence flowing among all peoples and nations.
The source of this idea is deep within your heart.
As you calmly breathe in and out, picture it radiating from you like a fine, colored vapor gradually covering the face of the earth.
See it enter the hearts of everyone, especially those stuck in the mad zones.
Feel it circulate everywhere until it comes all the way round and back to you.
This is love in action.
The source of this love is the Tao.
Savor this.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior    


“When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the slightest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.”
― Hsin Hsin Ming


I had discussed with the therapist that I felt like I was in perpetual limbo. And that when I went up north by myself and asked the universe what I was supposed to do, the answer I got was "you don't have to decide today." The more I'm looking into Taoism and the principles that surround it, maybe I'm not so wishy-washy and "in limbo" after all - maybe I've just been a Taoist my whole life and didn't even know it. It drives my spouse CRAZY when he asks me for my opinion/suggestions on a decision (dinner, for example) and I tell him that I have no preference. For years I would make suggestions only for him to turn around and choose something completely different, leaving me feeling unheard and invalidated. Now when he asks, I have no preference - not because I'm spiteful and no longer want to participate in the decision making process, but because I truly have no preference any more. It's not to say "I don't care," it's more along the lines of letting go of things I ultimately have little/no control of anyways.

I'm rambling...

The Universe Has A Frying Pan...

Ever feel like the Universe has a frying pan? And just when you're losing your shit and acting crazy, you get that *PLANG!* up the side of your head? Sometimes the universe whispers sweetly in your ear, sometimes you get the frying pan.

I was cruising around on Facebook and was struck by this quote:

"However capable and skillful an individual may be, left alone, he or she will not survive. When we are sick or very young or very old, we must depend on the support of others. There is no significant division between us and other people, because our basic natures are the same. If we wish to ensure everyone’s peace and happiness we need to cultivate a healthy respect for the diversity of our peoples and cultures, founded on an understanding of this fundamental sameness of all human beings."

~ Dalai Lama ~

 

I have such a hard time with this concept. When I'm sick or hurt I just want to be alone. Asking for help is SO HARD.

**EDIT**
A friend had this posted on his gmail chat status. The Universe is definitely talking to me today...

 

One of THOSE Days

You know the ones... Where it feels like you can't do anything right and the world knows it? That you just can't quite get a handle on what exactly you're supposed to be doing at any given moment? I'm having one of those days today. And it's not because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing - I know exactly what I should be doing. I even have a prioritized "to do" list!

I just don't want to. Any of it.

I just want to shrug off all my responsibilities and head back up north, waving my middle finger as I go. Not helping with ANYTHING, just dumping everything at everyone else's feet and saying "here, you deal with all this - I'm done for now. Oh, you don't know how to take care of this? Well guess what, I didn't either until you initially dumped it at MY feet and asked me to take care of it. Did I bitch and complain? NO. I made some phone calls, asked some people, and FIGURED SHIT OUT without whining and complaining the whole freaking time. You know why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ADULTS DO. No one is going to hand you things on a silver platter, that just isn't realistic. Sometimes you have to work hard and figure things out all on your own. Here, take all this and give it a try." (shove shove shove)

Yeah... It's one of those days. I should go outside and sit in the sun for a bit. Get my Vitamin D on and just soak it up.

Can you tell I hurt my wrist this morning? I did. Totally got bashed while trying to get a temper tantrum induced toddler dressed. It hurt. A lot. Got my wheels turning that I'm not sure how much of this I'm expected to actually take. I'm not feeling very strong right now. Quite the opposite. I've feeling exceptionally fragile and vulnerable. So I'm putting up my normal front when things are spiraling out of control... "Everything is just fine and I'm happy to just be alive!" It's a front... I'm losing control over here...

I want bacon... <3

A Break

I mentioned I was going to head up north to my parents house for a bit of a break - a little reprieve of my life to just relax, heal, think, and be.

It was wonderful.

I sent an email to the bestie describing what I did, and I shall paste it here... Since it perfectly articulated what I did, why try to recreate the wheel. ;3



What I Did on My Summer Vacation

1) Ate Bacon

2) Ate Candied Bacon

3) Ate Smores

4) Ate Candied Bacon... ON a Smore (struck culinary genius with this one)

5) Printed stuff on tank tops

6) Made some crappy art

7) Took a (mostly) naked nap in the sun on the deck

8) Went for a hike with B'scotch

9) Ate Bacon

10) Played fetch with B'scotch for hours

11) Went for a 2 mile walk with B'scotch (walking in sand should count for 3x the activity)

12) Thought about who I've become - and that I don't care for her very much. Also thought about finally being honest with DH about who I feel I am - what I've been twisted into, and what I've done in the past. This TERRIFIES me, but I can't move forward with my head firmly wedged up my ass in the past. "You gotta put your behind in your past." 

13) Slept in a huge snuggley comfy bed.

14) Woke with the sunrise, went to bed when I was tired

15) Meditated

16) Did some gentle yoga poses/stretches

17) Laid in the grass and just listened...

18) Ate Bacon

 

Next time I will go up for more than 44 hours.

 

OH! I also took a couple baths... in the ginormous Jacuzzi tub. Just me and Buddha, chillin.

I suspect he's up to something...

Disappearing For A Bit...

So I've already been pretty quiet lately. Nothing overly different to say, I guess.

But tonight I am unplugging and disappearing into the woods for the weekend. I'm going to take my small dog with me for company, but that's it. No spouse, no kids, no friends... Just me and B. I'm taking my sketchbook and drawing supplies, stuff to make Ukrainian eggs, and another craft project for my 3-day training shirts.

My plan is to do some walking, take some pictures, create some art... And just be. No responsibilities. Just peace and quiet. It will be interesting. I'm sure I'll have something to say about it when I get back.

Be well, my friends. <3

And now, for something completely different...

I've been playing in nail polish. Pretty pleased with the outcome. China Glaze in Recycle as base, Liquid Leather as tip. Pinstripe in silver.

Angry...

I've been in a pretty piss-poor mood lately. Mostly due to money woes, but also other things getting on my nerves. And in a time when words fail me, music comes to my aid.

I know I've been on a Mumford & Sons kick lately, but another song has me completely enraptured. Mostly because the sheer frustration/anger/fury is so passionately flung from their lips and instruments. I just want to crank up the volume, throw back my head and scream...

Broken Crown

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home, safe and tucked away
You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong
It stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I open my body I breathe a lie

I will not speak of your sin
There was a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight our choices seal our fate

This song speaks to me. I've made "bad" choices, I've sinned, my values are all shot... I took the road and I fucked it all away.

Not just the lyrics, but the instrumental is amazing as well. Such an obvious outpouring of hurt and anger...

Another Year Gone By...

Yesterday was my birthday. I haven't decided yet how I feel about it. On the one hand, its no big deal - just another day passing. On the other, it's my one day of "recognition" from my family/friends... and it was a text message kind of year. I'm not complaining... I appreciate being remembered at all. I just miss hearing peoples voices I guess...

I guess if I'm honest I'm feeling pretty low again. Getting sick totally took the wind out of my training sails and I have done almost nothing this week. Tho I did go to Belle Isle with the kids yesterday. They were pretty much grumps, so I didn't get to fully enjoy myself. (sigh) Oh well. At least I was out of the house and in the sunshine for a little bit.

Dinner was good. I ate entirely too much, but it was so yummy.

Disappointed that I'm still sick and have to cancel my plans for tonight... and probably my plans for tomorrow too.

Just another day passing...

Training Has Begun

Having a compromised immune system in addition to everything else is a bunch of bull, if you ask me. Apparently I had forgotten that it's not just my muscles and joints that I have to be mindful of while training up ye 'ol body to do the 3-day... Apparently some internal organs are out of shape too. I already knew my heart was a little on the fritz, but I forgot my lungs would be working out too.

I have some kind of bronchial flare-up at the moment, and it's pissing me off. I've never had asthma before, so I'm not sure it's that... but I just keep coughing and can't seem to take a deep breath.

I love that I get one part of my body slightly under control (I use the term "slightly" loosely - I've managed to roll my ankle twice and popped my knee out Saturday night) and another part goes boink. But I'm going to try really really hard not to get discouraged and frustrated and beat myself up over something I can't control. All I can do is keep on keeping on.

I stumbled upon a quote from Gilda Radner that I'm trying to keep as my focus...

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."

I've never been a fan of ambiguity. I like plans... structure... But lately I've been digging the idea of just letting it all go. Of just letting myself LET GO and just BE for a little while. We've talked about it in therapy, about me going away for the weekend and just "being" without anyone to bother me - to let me just have some time to regroup, refocus...

I want it. I want the space, the lack of responsibility other than for my immediate person, a chance to just rest and figure this shit out.

Pay It Forward

I did something today I haven't done before. Not to this extent anyways... I paid it forward. And it felt GOOD.

I went to Michaels to get craft supplies for a fundraiser I have in mind for the 3-day. As I walked to my car, a young woman, who looked lost, scared, and overwhelmed approached me. "Excuse me ma'am... I am so embarrassed to do this, but do you have a couple bucks? Our car is out of gas and we have a long way to go. I'm so sorry to bother you..." She looked down in shame. Her clothes looked like she had been in the car... for a while. I looked at her, smiled, and said "do you have enough gas to get to the gas station?" She looked bewildered and stammered "I... I think so?" I nodded and said "Ok. I'll follow you to the gas station and put a couple bucks in your gas tank..." It was at his point one of her travelling mates got out of the car. "Heather, what are you doing?? We'll figure it out, leave that lady alone..." I smiled again and shook my head. "Its no bother... Can you make it to the gas station?" Her jaw dropped and she nodded. "Ok. I'll follow you."

It was as if the traffic Gods were smiling. During rush hour we had a perfect opening for both cars to turn left on a busy street. The lights cooperated and we were able to coast into the gas station just as their car ran out of gas. I walked up to the car, swiped my car and asked where they were headed. Heather chimed in they were heading to Alma or some such city. They mentioned they weren't from around here (the car had a Maine plate) and that they were literally stranded in a city they weren't familiar with, with no friends or family anywhere nearby. I nodded as I listened, thoughtful to what they had been through. "When was the last time you ate?" They looked at each other, then to me, then down at their shoes. "Its been a couple days..."

I looked to the driver. "Ok. Here's the deal. You, fill up the car. And Heather, come inside the gas station with me and pick out a couple drinks and snacks for your trip." Heather followed after me, thanking me profusely and praising God. We got a couple items and the other girl came in with my receipt. As I was purchasing the food, they both told the cashier that I was an "angel from heaven." He looked at them like they were crazy. When he looked to me, I smiled and gave him a wink. When we got back outside, the girls both gave me several hugs, thanked me profusely, and again said I was an amazing person. I smiled and said "I'm not an amazing person. I've done plenty in my life that I am not proud of. Plenty that would categorize me as far from saintly... But I have one stipulation to my generosity today..." They both looked so scared... "I only ask that you pay it forward. That if you see someone else who is struggling, you give them a leg up if you are able. That is my only request."

"Ma'am, you have a deal. You've saved our lives today... and we will never forget you." Another hug and they were on their way. I wish them well.

Random acts of kindness... They do exist... and I'm proud I was able to participate today.

A New Focus

I registered for the Komen 3-day walk in August. It might end up being physically impossible for me to do, but damnit I'm going to try. I have to do something... I've just felt so lifeless and empty lately. I need to do something for myself that reminds me I'm alive. Not only for myself, but also for the millions of women who have fought against breast cancer.

It may not have been the "smartest" thing for me to sign up to do, given my physical limitations and emotional vulnerability at the moment... but I did it. I need a goal. Something to work towards...

One step at a time...

A Hallow Shell

I downloaded a fun little horoscope app onto my phone, as I was curious what the stars had to say about things for me... So far it's been pretty on the money - saying that things are pretty tumultuous at the moment.

Todays said: You know where you are and you know where you want to be. That is the first step and the last step. All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way!

Seems about right.

But there was something else about this app that caught my attention and made me go "hmm..."

The attributes of my sign are: Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious.

There was a time when I was all of those things. I intimidated people with my determination and my demanding/commanding presence. Where did I go? When did I lose my "oomph?" I can feel little pieces of the old me trying desperately to break free. Pushing to the surface. Trying to catch a breath of air to bolster itself to finally break out of the hallow shell of whom I've become.

I want to get back to me. I want to be the intelligent, vibrant woman I once was. Now, I understand that I will never be completely the same. I know that my body is different now, on so many levels, that my physical self will never get back to the way that it was. I'm pretty ok with that. I've never been 100% comfortable in my own skin anyways, so this is nothing new. But lately I haven't been comfortable in my own head either. It's kind of a shit storm in there...

You know where you are. Yep. I know exactly where I am. A broken, faded, reflection of who I once was.

You know where you want to be. I want to resurface - to breathe - to rekindle the love affair with myself. To embrace my Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective and Ambitious self.

All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way! Of course they make this part sound so easy... so whimsical, haha. Falling in love with me again means admitting I've falling out of love. With myself, with others... with life. I had forgotten what passion felt like. I had forgotten what inspiration feels like as it tingles its way through you, guiding you, proding you, encouraging you onward.

This week someone said to me "You are wise beyond your years. I almost feel dumb around you. You don't make me feel that way.. but you are just a smart girl." It was the nicest compliment I have gotten in a very long time... and it kinda felt like the old me was making an appearance again.

Hiding Doesn't Help...

Therapy Round 2 this past Monday. The session itself was pretty mild, the conversations after were a bit more indepth.

Then the 24 hours lag it takes hubby to process set in and it's been a whirl-wind since, to say the least. He's panicing, scrambling, smothering me... He doesn't understand that by doing that he is pushing me further away.

And I've been hurting. My whole body just hurts... and I'm not sure how to tell him I can't take anymore. I am having a really hard time hurting as much on the inside as I do on the outside. It's getting to be overwhelming. I can't make the physical stop or go away... I'm stuck with that for now. But I just want a break from the emotional hurt and pain too. I just want a little time away for myself to just breathe a little, regroup, find my footing again...

But even if I ask for it, I won't get it. I'll have to demand it, take it regardless of hurt feelings and tears, and power through.

This sucks.

And now he's acting like everything is fine. Hiding in plain sight...

Music Sets Free the Soul

I've been really listening to lyrics lately... looking for deeper meaning... being able to transport myself to a different time or place by simply letting go into the music and words.

Several songs move me to tears, but a particular song is stuck in my brain lately.

I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons

This song instantly takes me out of my body into a meadow, warming my skin with the sun, fingertips brushing along the tall grass, the scent sweet and fresh. I can't help but close my eyes, tip my chin towards the warmth and spread my arms wide - utter submission of myself to the sensation. As the crescendo builds, I feel the clouds roll in, opening up, pouring down on me. I kneel, giving in...


            So I'll be bold
            As well as strong
            And use my head alongside my heart
            So tame my flesh
            And fix my eyes
            That tethered mind free from the lies

            But I'll kneel down
            Wait for now
            I'll kneel down
            Know my ground

            Raise my hands
            Paint my spirit gold
            And bow my head
            Keep my heart slow

Interesting Side Effect...

Went to couples therapy Monday night. It was originally meant to be for us to work through our issues and learning to cope with the "new normal" together. But as I was seeing the councellor separately first, it kind of morphed into what can I do to make myself more comfortable, more stress-free, and the topic of me "taking a break" from my family was discussed. I had a breakdown and told hubby all about the things I had been thinking/feeling (wanting to leave, having everything planned out should I "accidentally" parish, not feeling happy, etc) and he was actually excited to go to therapy. I was so uncomfortable the entire time I was there, but I had some very moving moments of opening up about my past relationships - of what has brought me to where I am today.

I had an enormous breakthrough of letting go of past hurts... I have always been very envious of the relationship my mother and sister have, and as long as I can remember, my mother has always said "I don't want to hear it" when I would attempt to be closer to her - to share my life with her on a deeper level. I thought for years it was something I had said or done that caused her to have no interest in a deeper relationship with me. It wasn't until this therapy session that I realized it's not because she doesn't love me - it's because she loves me so much that when I share hard times and pain, it is just too intense for her. I can empathize with that completely. Its her defense mechanism that I had been misunderstanding as lack of interest/lack of caring. I felt a great sense of relief, a weight lifted from me when it finally dawned on me.

The rest of the session wasn't quite so warm and fuzzy (not that the previous realization was what I would call warm and fuzzy to begin with)... Hubby admitted he knew I wasn't happy, that he doesn't think I've ever really been "happy," nor does he really believe I'm capable. That was hard to hear, but mostly because it's true. We talked about how I internalize EVERYTHING and never really let things out. It was good to have that acknowledged.

But the strangest thing happend on the way home. I started to hurt... All over. And intense ache through every tissue in my body. I suspect I've not only been internalizing my mental pain, but my physical as well. I was not prepared for such a flood of physical pain. I am NOT a fan of that... If opening up and being a better person means being in chronic pain all the time, I'll take being an introverted hag over the alternative any day...

Feeling a Little Lost

Depression has not been my friend lately. Yesterday I spent 80% of the day in bed. Not moving, just sleeping or crying or just laying there, staring off into space.

It was a bad pain day, both physically and emotionally.

My daughter was inquiring if the dogs are going to die. Hubby handled it pretty well, telling her that yes, someday they will... That dogs just don't live as long as people do. She cried. I wasnt even there, and it completely triggered a shut down for me... I'm not going to live as long either. How am I supposed to explain to my children, my babies, that I'm not likely to see them have children of their own? I know anyone can go at anytime... I know that no one knows how long they have. But I'm also tired of living in limbo. I'm not "happy" and haven't been for a long time.

We start couples therapy next week. I'm excited and soooooooooooo nervous. Tools for coping...

Getting Something Together... Kitchen

Through a bit of teamwork between Hubby and I, and the use of my new canisters and labeler, the kitchen is in a much better place now. I'll be honest, it was bad. Really bad... I'm not going to hold anything back here... the before pictures are preeeeeety scary looking. But, here goes.

Before:

 After:

 

Before:

 After:

Before:

 After:

 

Before:

 After:

 

Before:

 After:

 

Before:

 After:

 

 

Before:

 After:

 

 

Clearly a vast improvement. Hubby and I agreed that if he and I tackled a room per weekend like this and maintained the past rooms we've attacked, the house will be amazing in just a couple weeks. I'm feeling better. Accomplishment will do that. :)



Taking a Step Back

My last couple posts have seemed pretty bleak, which is appropriate, as I have been feeling that way lately. I have had more going on then just my body falling apart. My family life is a little shakey right now too. I've been trying to vocalize my needs, and I am simply not being heard. Or I'm being heard, and then deliberately ignored - which in my opinion is so much worse. I mentioned couples therapy to the hubby and he was confused. "Why would we need that?"  Oh I don't know, so that you hear and maybe acknowledge what I say? So that we can BOTH be armed with tools for coping with the "new normal?" So that we can figure out a game plan for moving forward?

In response to me leaving and spending the night at my parents the other night (again, I was not being heard or deliberately ignored) he booked a long weekend where we spent our honeymoon... A thoughtful gesture, only we are also bringing the kids, and quite frankly we don't have the money to GO on vacation right now. So not only will it not be relaxing, as I'll still have to be Mommy and watch my kids like a hawk at a water park (they can't swim yet, so my anxiety will be through the roof - plus my instability in the water is pretty bad - all my braces have to come off) but then I'll have to worry about how this is going to effect our finances for the next couple months too.

His mother brought up that she heard we were going on vacation, and that she was excited about it. I told her I wasn't so sure about it, and she looked shocked. She rattled off the list of all the fun things there are to do and I just clinched my teeth and said "You're absolutely right, Hubby and the kids are going to have a great time." She sighed heavily and said "You know Mer, sometimes you just have to go along for the ride." I got so angry, I practically shouted "No, sometimes I have to be the only fucking fiscally responsible adult in the house and it is utterly exhausting. If we can't afford to go to Disney in the spring with the rest of you guys, we can't afford to go on a long vacation anywhere else either! Maybe I can schedule to have our heat and electricity shut off while we're out of town, since they are about to do it anyways..." She just looked at me like I had slapped her (well, I verbally did I guess) and my sister-in-law chimed in that it was time for a topic change as the tension in the room had gone through the roof. I said I was sorry and just looked at the ground.

I am ALWAYS the bad guy.

My father-in-law quietly said after "you know, I agree with you." It was a little validating to have someone on my side, but it was also so uncomfortable being there after my little outburst. I left shortly after.

Running away on a mini vacation is not going to make "this" go away, nor is it going to make it any easier for me. And undoubtedly, Hubby will set some deadline that the house has to be "completely clean" before we go anywhere, adding additional stress to what is supposed to be a fun thing. But since I'm the one saying this is a bad idea, or that we should think about rescheduling or something, I'M THE BAD GUY.

I'm not the bad guy, I'm the adult in this situation. In every situation.

I really need to take a huge step back from my life and really take a hard look at what is adding ridiculous stress to my life. If it's something I can change, I'll change it. If it's something that is unwilling to compromise or listen, maybe its time to let it go. Something has got to give, and I'm just tired of feeling like the only one who is bending/breaking.

Pity Party, Table for One Please

I used to be passionate about 4 main things in life:

1) Eating tasty food
2) Massage (giving, not receiving)
3) Sex
4) Horses

As of today, I can manage only 1/2 of one of those 4 things. Last night I dislocated my jaw. I won't get into specifics, as this isn't that kind of blog, but yeah, jaw is a wreck today because of it. If I wasn't feeling lost before, well I definitely am now!! I was once a very sexual being - I like sex (who doesn't???) and I used to be really good at it. Now I just feel broken and useless. My "usefulness" as a woman is being stripped from me, and that is heart breaking. I have been told not to have any more children for fear of either myself or the child not making it out unscathed (or alive) in the end... To have that taken away was a very hard blow. But now, to have the fun part taken away piece by piece too??

Is this a lesson, God? Are you trying to teach me to let go of control? Am I supposed to be like  Job and lose everything I have and am to prove my faithfulness to you?? Or is this something else? A not so gentle shove in my life path of which direction I am supposed to go? If that's the case, Lord, could you take the blinders off first so I can see where I'm headed, as right now it just feels like I'm being shoved off a cliff...

Asking For Help

I've never been very good at asking for help. Ever. It's just not something I'm comfortable with - which I know is just one of those ridiculous mental flaws that I have.

But now that I literally am having a hard time doing what used to be normal everyday activities, I'm finding that I can't do things alone. As much as I think I should be able to...

So today I am single parent as hubby is off in California for the weekend being a good sport. Long story - not worth explaining. It just so happens that I have just about zero food in the house and need to head to the grocery store. With both kids in tow. AND I'm having a wicked pain day today after washing ALL the dishes yesterday by myself. So I asked a buddy yesterday if he could help today. Yeah, sure, no problem. Well turns out today that he is spending the day with the new girlfriend, so he won't be available to help until after 5pm. I was hoping to be starting dinner by then... So I told him no worries, I'll ask around.

Asked newest buddy and she is repainting a room in her house today, so she won't be available. Wanted to ask super bestie, but she just got home from a work trip herself and it was her first time away from her little baby. I don't want to intrude and bug her - especially because I think she might be at work today anyways.

Now I know beggers can't be choosers, so if I want someone to help me, I really need to be flexible to their schedules. Only... it's not just me - I have my little peoples schedules to tap dance around too.

I just hate feeling rejected when I already feel low. I know it's not intentional, but yeah... This is why I don't ask for help. The rare times I do ask I try to ask in advance, then when the person I was counting on bails, I'm screwed trying to find a replacement last minute. And then I end up having to take care of shit by myself anyways. So why bother asking in the first place?

Maybe I'll call my dad. See if he can at least meet me at the house after I get home to help bring the groceries in. Or my brother...

(sigh)

I Think I Need Help

Today has been really hard. Every once in a while I'll get smacked with the idea that what I am going through isn't going away. It isn't going to "get all better." THIS is how my life is going to be.

How the hell am I supposed to cope with "this?" Granted, "this" isn't exactly new. I've been dealing with "this" nearly my whole life. But it just seems that "this" has gotten SOOO much worse in the past year. I mean really - who the hell dislocates their hand/forearm taking towels out of the drier? Who the hell tears muscle by simply being, or sneezing? Me. I do. And it's only going to get worse???

Today's depression tailspin is brought to you by a former massage client of mine. I haven't seen her in a year, and she came into the office today looking for me. She wanted to book a massage with me, and book one for her daughter and I had to inform her of my change in career.

Broke my fucking heart.

What's worse? SHE burst into tears and lamented that she could never go to another therapist - that she didn't want anyone else. God damn that was painful to hear. Amazingly validating that I did good work as a massage therapist, stab in my heart that "this" took it away from me.

I mentioned my blah-dom to my physical therapist and she gave me the name and number to her psychologist and the therapist that she sees. She strongly recommended I call them. She said that she probably understands better than anyone what this chronic illness/syndrome can do to ones mental state, and she really wants me to call them and see them before I really start to get antsy. I think I'll take her up on it.

Somethings gotta give. :-/

Getting Something Together... Pantry (pt 1)

I've been feeling exceptionally depressed lately, so I haven't had much to say. But this morning I got it in my head that I would make a dent in the pantry so I can make a dent in the kitchen.

First item I felt like tackling was all of our spices.

We had a MILLION it seems, and I had an ancient spice rack in the back of the pantry, bottom shelf - completely inconvenient to get to and annoying. Well, no more. I pulled *most* of my spice and herb bottles out and gave them a good once over: what is still good, which are 7 years old...

Here's a pic of all the bottles I pulled out of the pantry:

That's 35 bottles!! 35 bottles that were being under utilized, ignored, or otherwise just taking up space. And kindly ignore the basket of laundry... I'm working on getting that all straightened up too. Another post on that some other time...

Here are the bottles that are going back into the pantry:

11 containers going back into the pantry. That's IT.

So here are the containers that are NOT going back into the pantry:



So I'm sure you're wondering... "Did she really only have 11 herbs/spices that were salvageable out of 35?? Really??" The short answer is: No, that is not quite the case.

So where did all of my herbs and spices go? Why, on the walls, of course!

The 5 spices I use most often are over by the stove for convenience, tho if I plan on making something, I can swap out for whatever the recipe calls for, and put my "ol' faithfuls" back with their friends.

Here's the other 20 herbs/spices that I had in the cabinet that were still good. But now they are in cute little tins that I bought at Michael's on sale (tin wedding favors) and some magnetic tape. Viola!!

I know it's not as tidy as something you'd find on pinterest... but that is exactly where I got the idea from. Should I have measured out my lines first? Yeah, probably... but it's not like I won't ever be able to move things around should I wish. And that new label maker I just bought? I think it just earned it's keep. :) Everything is labeled so nicely!!

***EDIT***
Ok, the lack of uniformity was pissing me off. And my husband managed to take one off and spill cajun seasoning all over the world, apparently... So I reapplied the magnetic tape and tacked it into place with brad nails. That puppy isn't going ANYWHERE. And it looks amazingly neater:

OMG, MUCH better!! 

Getting Something Together... Bathroom (part 1)

I'm on a roll today. I went out and bought organizational goodies for the kitchen, then mosied on over to Lowes to see if there was anything there I could use/be inspired by.

BIG MISTAKE. I should not be allowed in that store without adult supervision.

Instead of getting additional kitchen organizational goodies, I ended up buying paint. For my bathroom. Totally wasn't on the radar for an overhaul. But I saw a post on pinterest and kinda lost my mind. So I painted the vanity this afternoon. I will also be painting the walls, the other cabinets, and the tile. The bathroom will be very different when I'm done.

Getting Something Together... Linen Closet

My body isn't the only thing falling apart. So is my household. Since I am a control freak (I try not to be, really I do...) I need to take control of something. And as my own body seems to be on the fritz (confirmed new tear in lower abs. Joy.) I've decided to try to focus on the things I actually can change.

Like my house.

Currently it's trashed. Mind you, I do kinda live with a hoarder, and I am not the cleanest person in the world either. But it's bad. Like HELL NO company can't come in should they show up. So last friday I attacked the top half of the linen closet. I wanted to start small. Pace myself.

Here was before:

Our linen closet is the catch-all for paper products, cleaning supplies, first aid randomness, and a whole slew of other things. I had been cruising around on pinterest, looking for inspiration, and saw a pin on converting old diaper boxes into storage. That pin was pretty hardcore - covering the boxes with black fabric, then lining the interior with another fabric bag.

Yeah, um, waaaay too involved. I don't want to buy yards and yards of fabric. I do, however, have a HUGE roll of heavy duty brown paper. I covered 3 boxes with the brown paper and used those. I took everythng out of the linen closet and put them into piles based on what they were for. I had the big wicker basket in there already, so I was able to reuse it. Cleaning supplies went in there. I also have containers for bathroom supplies, hair supplies and paper products. It looks soooo much better.

 

After an overhaul and organization:

 

 

I threw out a LOT of stuff. Random empty containers, expired products, etc. I'm feeling pretty good about it.

 

Next hurdle... Attacking the kitchen. I went through and took all my "before" pictures. And I didn't even do a prelimenary clean out to make it cleaner... Nope, it's true, its raw, its filthy!! 

Ka-CHOO!

One of my kids favorite Dr Seuss books is All Because A Little Bug Went Ka-Choo. Its a whimsical story about how a tiny little bug sneezed and ultimately sets off a Rube Goldberg of catastrophe in a nearby city. One of the last pages shows a parade and a circus colliding downtown, animals and instruments everywhere. This usually illicits hysterics from the small boy - he does love silliness.

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, yesterday I went to Michael's with the fam to pick up a family craft for the afternoon. As we were checking out, I sneezed. Ka-Choo! It wasn't a very big sneeze, in fact, quite puny on the sneeze scale - but here's the thing. I hold my sneezes in. I've been told for years I'm going to hurt myself doing that.

They were right.

During said sneeze, I felt a pop... in my abdomen. My PT checked it out this morning and thinks I may have just ripped my diastasis more, but she wants me to get it checked out. So I'm going in to see my PCP this afternoon to have her mash on my tummy, to make sure I haven't created a new hernia (I already have a small umbilical hernia). From there she will be able to make a recommendation where to go next.

It REALLY hurt after I did it. To the point it doubled me over in line... and I couldn't get upright right away. I've had lingering pain that spikes when I sit up, or engage my abdominals. I also have this lingering feeling of "gotta pee" in my lower abdomen, so I may have just strained one of the ligaments that supports my bladder. I've had no issues with urination, or holding my urine, so that is fabulous! Just one more weird thing to tack on the list of bizarre-o happenings that my rheum claims is unrelated.

We shall see what the PCP says.

Fingers crossed for a strain and no more surgery!!