Happy New Year

Trying something a little different... a video blog entry!!

Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to imbed my video...

Wow. My hair is getting really long. Now you get to see my face and hear my voice for once. :)

Post Op - 2 weeks

Here we are, 2 weeks post op.

I'll be completely frank. This surgery SUCKED. Pain management was really an issue for the first 5 days... but everything is under control and I am completely off prescription pain medications. Yay. There were several nights tho that I really was having a hard time... I feel very lucky that I had one of my best guy friends to talk to at 3am on several occasions, otherwise I may have gone mad.

So this begins my journey of learning how to use my arm/hand all over again. Everything is going to be different on that side... Everything.

Heres a couple pictures for those who are curious. If not, scroll quick. ;)

Shortly after surgery. Very swollen and uncomfortable. 

11 days post op - bandages come off and incision is revealed. Its lovely!

Detail of incision. Internal sutures and dermabond (skin adhesive glue)

I went with a nice black cast this time... Black goes with everything and is slimming, right? ;)

As for the actual surgery... Doc said it was "jacked up" in there, and she feels 100% confident this was the best choice. I'm also her youngest wrist fusion to date. I asked if that earned me a metal... "Why yes," she said. "Its in your arm!"

Very clever... ;D

I was missing cartilage in some spots, had mutating cartilage in others... it was just a mess. Now it will be so much better!


OH! I've also started the application process for disability. No clue how that will pan out, but I gotta give it a try.

Taoist Thoughts...

I need to settle my heart and my mind on these thoughts.

“You can trust everyone to be human, with all the quirks and inconsistencies we humans display, including disloyalty, dishonesty and downright treachery. We are all capable of the entire range of human behavior, given the circumstances, from absolute saintliness to abject depravity. Trusting someone to limit their sphere of action to one narrow band on the spectrum is idealistic and will inevitably lead to disappointment.
On the other hand, you can decide to trust that everyone is doing their best according to their particular stage of development, and to give everyone their appropriate berth. For this to work, you have to trust yourself to make and have made the right choices that will lead you on the path to your healthy growth. You have to trust yourself to come through every experience safely and enriched. But don’t trust what I am saying. Listen and then decide for yourself. Does this information sit easily in your belly? You know when you trust yourself around someone because your belly feels settled and your heart feels warm.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior    


“Who you are is always right.”
― Deng Ming-Dao, Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony


“For a few moments, attune your mind to the idea of harmony and peaceful coexistence flowing among all peoples and nations.
The source of this idea is deep within your heart.
As you calmly breathe in and out, picture it radiating from you like a fine, colored vapor gradually covering the face of the earth.
See it enter the hearts of everyone, especially those stuck in the mad zones.
Feel it circulate everywhere until it comes all the way round and back to you.
This is love in action.
The source of this love is the Tao.
Savor this.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior    


“When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the slightest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.”
― Hsin Hsin Ming


I had discussed with the therapist that I felt like I was in perpetual limbo. And that when I went up north by myself and asked the universe what I was supposed to do, the answer I got was "you don't have to decide today." The more I'm looking into Taoism and the principles that surround it, maybe I'm not so wishy-washy and "in limbo" after all - maybe I've just been a Taoist my whole life and didn't even know it. It drives my spouse CRAZY when he asks me for my opinion/suggestions on a decision (dinner, for example) and I tell him that I have no preference. For years I would make suggestions only for him to turn around and choose something completely different, leaving me feeling unheard and invalidated. Now when he asks, I have no preference - not because I'm spiteful and no longer want to participate in the decision making process, but because I truly have no preference any more. It's not to say "I don't care," it's more along the lines of letting go of things I ultimately have little/no control of anyways.

I'm rambling...

A Break

I mentioned I was going to head up north to my parents house for a bit of a break - a little reprieve of my life to just relax, heal, think, and be.

It was wonderful.

I sent an email to the bestie describing what I did, and I shall paste it here... Since it perfectly articulated what I did, why try to recreate the wheel. ;3



What I Did on My Summer Vacation

1) Ate Bacon

2) Ate Candied Bacon

3) Ate Smores

4) Ate Candied Bacon... ON a Smore (struck culinary genius with this one)

5) Printed stuff on tank tops

6) Made some crappy art

7) Took a (mostly) naked nap in the sun on the deck

8) Went for a hike with B'scotch

9) Ate Bacon

10) Played fetch with B'scotch for hours

11) Went for a 2 mile walk with B'scotch (walking in sand should count for 3x the activity)

12) Thought about who I've become - and that I don't care for her very much. Also thought about finally being honest with DH about who I feel I am - what I've been twisted into, and what I've done in the past. This TERRIFIES me, but I can't move forward with my head firmly wedged up my ass in the past. "You gotta put your behind in your past." 

13) Slept in a huge snuggley comfy bed.

14) Woke with the sunrise, went to bed when I was tired

15) Meditated

16) Did some gentle yoga poses/stretches

17) Laid in the grass and just listened...

18) Ate Bacon

 

Next time I will go up for more than 44 hours.

 

OH! I also took a couple baths... in the ginormous Jacuzzi tub. Just me and Buddha, chillin.

I suspect he's up to something...

Training Has Begun

Having a compromised immune system in addition to everything else is a bunch of bull, if you ask me. Apparently I had forgotten that it's not just my muscles and joints that I have to be mindful of while training up ye 'ol body to do the 3-day... Apparently some internal organs are out of shape too. I already knew my heart was a little on the fritz, but I forgot my lungs would be working out too.

I have some kind of bronchial flare-up at the moment, and it's pissing me off. I've never had asthma before, so I'm not sure it's that... but I just keep coughing and can't seem to take a deep breath.

I love that I get one part of my body slightly under control (I use the term "slightly" loosely - I've managed to roll my ankle twice and popped my knee out Saturday night) and another part goes boink. But I'm going to try really really hard not to get discouraged and frustrated and beat myself up over something I can't control. All I can do is keep on keeping on.

I stumbled upon a quote from Gilda Radner that I'm trying to keep as my focus...

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."

I've never been a fan of ambiguity. I like plans... structure... But lately I've been digging the idea of just letting it all go. Of just letting myself LET GO and just BE for a little while. We've talked about it in therapy, about me going away for the weekend and just "being" without anyone to bother me - to let me just have some time to regroup, refocus...

I want it. I want the space, the lack of responsibility other than for my immediate person, a chance to just rest and figure this shit out.

Pay It Forward

I did something today I haven't done before. Not to this extent anyways... I paid it forward. And it felt GOOD.

I went to Michaels to get craft supplies for a fundraiser I have in mind for the 3-day. As I walked to my car, a young woman, who looked lost, scared, and overwhelmed approached me. "Excuse me ma'am... I am so embarrassed to do this, but do you have a couple bucks? Our car is out of gas and we have a long way to go. I'm so sorry to bother you..." She looked down in shame. Her clothes looked like she had been in the car... for a while. I looked at her, smiled, and said "do you have enough gas to get to the gas station?" She looked bewildered and stammered "I... I think so?" I nodded and said "Ok. I'll follow you to the gas station and put a couple bucks in your gas tank..." It was at his point one of her travelling mates got out of the car. "Heather, what are you doing?? We'll figure it out, leave that lady alone..." I smiled again and shook my head. "Its no bother... Can you make it to the gas station?" Her jaw dropped and she nodded. "Ok. I'll follow you."

It was as if the traffic Gods were smiling. During rush hour we had a perfect opening for both cars to turn left on a busy street. The lights cooperated and we were able to coast into the gas station just as their car ran out of gas. I walked up to the car, swiped my car and asked where they were headed. Heather chimed in they were heading to Alma or some such city. They mentioned they weren't from around here (the car had a Maine plate) and that they were literally stranded in a city they weren't familiar with, with no friends or family anywhere nearby. I nodded as I listened, thoughtful to what they had been through. "When was the last time you ate?" They looked at each other, then to me, then down at their shoes. "Its been a couple days..."

I looked to the driver. "Ok. Here's the deal. You, fill up the car. And Heather, come inside the gas station with me and pick out a couple drinks and snacks for your trip." Heather followed after me, thanking me profusely and praising God. We got a couple items and the other girl came in with my receipt. As I was purchasing the food, they both told the cashier that I was an "angel from heaven." He looked at them like they were crazy. When he looked to me, I smiled and gave him a wink. When we got back outside, the girls both gave me several hugs, thanked me profusely, and again said I was an amazing person. I smiled and said "I'm not an amazing person. I've done plenty in my life that I am not proud of. Plenty that would categorize me as far from saintly... But I have one stipulation to my generosity today..." They both looked so scared... "I only ask that you pay it forward. That if you see someone else who is struggling, you give them a leg up if you are able. That is my only request."

"Ma'am, you have a deal. You've saved our lives today... and we will never forget you." Another hug and they were on their way. I wish them well.

Random acts of kindness... They do exist... and I'm proud I was able to participate today.

A New Focus

I registered for the Komen 3-day walk in August. It might end up being physically impossible for me to do, but damnit I'm going to try. I have to do something... I've just felt so lifeless and empty lately. I need to do something for myself that reminds me I'm alive. Not only for myself, but also for the millions of women who have fought against breast cancer.

It may not have been the "smartest" thing for me to sign up to do, given my physical limitations and emotional vulnerability at the moment... but I did it. I need a goal. Something to work towards...

One step at a time...

A Hallow Shell

I downloaded a fun little horoscope app onto my phone, as I was curious what the stars had to say about things for me... So far it's been pretty on the money - saying that things are pretty tumultuous at the moment.

Todays said: You know where you are and you know where you want to be. That is the first step and the last step. All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way!

Seems about right.

But there was something else about this app that caught my attention and made me go "hmm..."

The attributes of my sign are: Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious.

There was a time when I was all of those things. I intimidated people with my determination and my demanding/commanding presence. Where did I go? When did I lose my "oomph?" I can feel little pieces of the old me trying desperately to break free. Pushing to the surface. Trying to catch a breath of air to bolster itself to finally break out of the hallow shell of whom I've become.

I want to get back to me. I want to be the intelligent, vibrant woman I once was. Now, I understand that I will never be completely the same. I know that my body is different now, on so many levels, that my physical self will never get back to the way that it was. I'm pretty ok with that. I've never been 100% comfortable in my own skin anyways, so this is nothing new. But lately I haven't been comfortable in my own head either. It's kind of a shit storm in there...

You know where you are. Yep. I know exactly where I am. A broken, faded, reflection of who I once was.

You know where you want to be. I want to resurface - to breathe - to rekindle the love affair with myself. To embrace my Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective and Ambitious self.

All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way! Of course they make this part sound so easy... so whimsical, haha. Falling in love with me again means admitting I've falling out of love. With myself, with others... with life. I had forgotten what passion felt like. I had forgotten what inspiration feels like as it tingles its way through you, guiding you, proding you, encouraging you onward.

This week someone said to me "You are wise beyond your years. I almost feel dumb around you. You don't make me feel that way.. but you are just a smart girl." It was the nicest compliment I have gotten in a very long time... and it kinda felt like the old me was making an appearance again.