Another Surgery?

Saw the Orth. Dr today. They took x-rays of both my wrists. The right one looks good - I have a pinched nerve from sleeping on the couch with my arm curled under me. I just have to sleep with it straight and it should clear up.

 

My left hand is a whole other story. She said the xrays were "ugly." The carpal bones are all twisted around and not sitting right. One of the bones that is supposed to sit in a little "socket" isn't even close. SHOCKER! But she said my options are few. Either leave it alone, or fuse the wrist. If we leave it, the wrist will remain unstable and will cause me pain for the rest of my life. It's not going to "get better" on it's own. It just is what it is. With the surgery, my wrist will be ridged, and basically stuck in the same position as when I wear my wrist brace. So I'll still be able to flip my hand over, type, etc... I just won't be able to flop my hand up and down (which I currently can't do anyways).

 

The surgery would be pretty brutal. Longer incision and some permanent hardware. They would strip all of my cartilage off my wrist bones and break a couple to promote bone growth. Then they would all just grow together. It would be similar to the first wrist surgery as far as post-op. It would be out patient and I would have another pain pump post op. Cast for 6-8 weeks and that's it.

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm leaning towards surgery, and sooner as opposed to later. I know it would be another summer in a cast, but with the fusion, I should be able to be WAY more hands on with the kids - as I won't be guarding that wrist and my pain will become zero after the bones heal.

 

Decisions Decisions...

Angry...

I've been in a pretty piss-poor mood lately. Mostly due to money woes, but also other things getting on my nerves. And in a time when words fail me, music comes to my aid.

I know I've been on a Mumford & Sons kick lately, but another song has me completely enraptured. Mostly because the sheer frustration/anger/fury is so passionately flung from their lips and instruments. I just want to crank up the volume, throw back my head and scream...

Broken Crown

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home, safe and tucked away
You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

The pull on my flesh was just too strong
It stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I open my body I breathe a lie

I will not speak of your sin
There was a way out for him
The mirror shows not
Your values are all shot

But oh, my heart was flawed
I knew my weakness
So hold my hand
Consign me not to darkness

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I took the road and I fucked it all away
Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down
I'll never wear your broken crown
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight our choices seal our fate

This song speaks to me. I've made "bad" choices, I've sinned, my values are all shot... I took the road and I fucked it all away.

Not just the lyrics, but the instrumental is amazing as well. Such an obvious outpouring of hurt and anger...

I Think I Need Help

Today has been really hard. Every once in a while I'll get smacked with the idea that what I am going through isn't going away. It isn't going to "get all better." THIS is how my life is going to be.

How the hell am I supposed to cope with "this?" Granted, "this" isn't exactly new. I've been dealing with "this" nearly my whole life. But it just seems that "this" has gotten SOOO much worse in the past year. I mean really - who the hell dislocates their hand/forearm taking towels out of the drier? Who the hell tears muscle by simply being, or sneezing? Me. I do. And it's only going to get worse???

Today's depression tailspin is brought to you by a former massage client of mine. I haven't seen her in a year, and she came into the office today looking for me. She wanted to book a massage with me, and book one for her daughter and I had to inform her of my change in career.

Broke my fucking heart.

What's worse? SHE burst into tears and lamented that she could never go to another therapist - that she didn't want anyone else. God damn that was painful to hear. Amazingly validating that I did good work as a massage therapist, stab in my heart that "this" took it away from me.

I mentioned my blah-dom to my physical therapist and she gave me the name and number to her psychologist and the therapist that she sees. She strongly recommended I call them. She said that she probably understands better than anyone what this chronic illness/syndrome can do to ones mental state, and she really wants me to call them and see them before I really start to get antsy. I think I'll take her up on it.

Somethings gotta give. :-/

Falling Apart... Again

Todays therapy did not go well. Tendon is subluxing again which would lead one to believe the internal tissues that the synthetic tendon sheath were adheared to are too unstable to hold. The wrist is crunching again and I'm trying so hard not to fall apart emotionally too.

I'm disappointed.

I'm in pain.

I don't understand what the hell is happening to me.

To top it off? My right wrist is starting to hurt too. I'm feeling useless and broken. I haven't been really helping out at home. Granted, I'm technically not supposed to... but I've been sticking to it as I'm physically unable.

I'm getting frustrated with being in pain all the time. Its starting to affect my relationships with people. I'm typically a very quiet person when it comes to my personal life. At times, getting me to open up and share is like pulling teeth. But lately, I feel myself withdrawing from everyone. I guess I'm tired of people asking "how's the hand?" and me not having anything positive to say. When people ask, they don't want to hear anything other than "things are going great!" I admitted things were not going well to a patient at work the other day and the look of pity she gave me...

I don't want anyone to pity this shit I've been dealt. I do that enough for myself, thank you very much.

Tonight is a rough night for Keeping It Together...