Disappearing For A Bit...

So I've already been pretty quiet lately. Nothing overly different to say, I guess.

But tonight I am unplugging and disappearing into the woods for the weekend. I'm going to take my small dog with me for company, but that's it. No spouse, no kids, no friends... Just me and B. I'm taking my sketchbook and drawing supplies, stuff to make Ukrainian eggs, and another craft project for my 3-day training shirts.

My plan is to do some walking, take some pictures, create some art... And just be. No responsibilities. Just peace and quiet. It will be interesting. I'm sure I'll have something to say about it when I get back.

Be well, my friends. <3

And now, for something completely different...

I've been playing in nail polish. Pretty pleased with the outcome. China Glaze in Recycle as base, Liquid Leather as tip. Pinstripe in silver.

Music Sets Free the Soul

I've been really listening to lyrics lately... looking for deeper meaning... being able to transport myself to a different time or place by simply letting go into the music and words.

Several songs move me to tears, but a particular song is stuck in my brain lately.

I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons

This song instantly takes me out of my body into a meadow, warming my skin with the sun, fingertips brushing along the tall grass, the scent sweet and fresh. I can't help but close my eyes, tip my chin towards the warmth and spread my arms wide - utter submission of myself to the sensation. As the crescendo builds, I feel the clouds roll in, opening up, pouring down on me. I kneel, giving in...


            So I'll be bold
            As well as strong
            And use my head alongside my heart
            So tame my flesh
            And fix my eyes
            That tethered mind free from the lies

            But I'll kneel down
            Wait for now
            I'll kneel down
            Know my ground

            Raise my hands
            Paint my spirit gold
            And bow my head
            Keep my heart slow

Interesting Side Effect...

Went to couples therapy Monday night. It was originally meant to be for us to work through our issues and learning to cope with the "new normal" together. But as I was seeing the councellor separately first, it kind of morphed into what can I do to make myself more comfortable, more stress-free, and the topic of me "taking a break" from my family was discussed. I had a breakdown and told hubby all about the things I had been thinking/feeling (wanting to leave, having everything planned out should I "accidentally" parish, not feeling happy, etc) and he was actually excited to go to therapy. I was so uncomfortable the entire time I was there, but I had some very moving moments of opening up about my past relationships - of what has brought me to where I am today.

I had an enormous breakthrough of letting go of past hurts... I have always been very envious of the relationship my mother and sister have, and as long as I can remember, my mother has always said "I don't want to hear it" when I would attempt to be closer to her - to share my life with her on a deeper level. I thought for years it was something I had said or done that caused her to have no interest in a deeper relationship with me. It wasn't until this therapy session that I realized it's not because she doesn't love me - it's because she loves me so much that when I share hard times and pain, it is just too intense for her. I can empathize with that completely. Its her defense mechanism that I had been misunderstanding as lack of interest/lack of caring. I felt a great sense of relief, a weight lifted from me when it finally dawned on me.

The rest of the session wasn't quite so warm and fuzzy (not that the previous realization was what I would call warm and fuzzy to begin with)... Hubby admitted he knew I wasn't happy, that he doesn't think I've ever really been "happy," nor does he really believe I'm capable. That was hard to hear, but mostly because it's true. We talked about how I internalize EVERYTHING and never really let things out. It was good to have that acknowledged.

But the strangest thing happend on the way home. I started to hurt... All over. And intense ache through every tissue in my body. I suspect I've not only been internalizing my mental pain, but my physical as well. I was not prepared for such a flood of physical pain. I am NOT a fan of that... If opening up and being a better person means being in chronic pain all the time, I'll take being an introverted hag over the alternative any day...

Getting Something Together... Pantry (pt 1)

I've been feeling exceptionally depressed lately, so I haven't had much to say. But this morning I got it in my head that I would make a dent in the pantry so I can make a dent in the kitchen.

First item I felt like tackling was all of our spices.

We had a MILLION it seems, and I had an ancient spice rack in the back of the pantry, bottom shelf - completely inconvenient to get to and annoying. Well, no more. I pulled *most* of my spice and herb bottles out and gave them a good once over: what is still good, which are 7 years old...

Here's a pic of all the bottles I pulled out of the pantry:

That's 35 bottles!! 35 bottles that were being under utilized, ignored, or otherwise just taking up space. And kindly ignore the basket of laundry... I'm working on getting that all straightened up too. Another post on that some other time...

Here are the bottles that are going back into the pantry:

11 containers going back into the pantry. That's IT.

So here are the containers that are NOT going back into the pantry:



So I'm sure you're wondering... "Did she really only have 11 herbs/spices that were salvageable out of 35?? Really??" The short answer is: No, that is not quite the case.

So where did all of my herbs and spices go? Why, on the walls, of course!

The 5 spices I use most often are over by the stove for convenience, tho if I plan on making something, I can swap out for whatever the recipe calls for, and put my "ol' faithfuls" back with their friends.

Here's the other 20 herbs/spices that I had in the cabinet that were still good. But now they are in cute little tins that I bought at Michael's on sale (tin wedding favors) and some magnetic tape. Viola!!

I know it's not as tidy as something you'd find on pinterest... but that is exactly where I got the idea from. Should I have measured out my lines first? Yeah, probably... but it's not like I won't ever be able to move things around should I wish. And that new label maker I just bought? I think it just earned it's keep. :) Everything is labeled so nicely!!

***EDIT***
Ok, the lack of uniformity was pissing me off. And my husband managed to take one off and spill cajun seasoning all over the world, apparently... So I reapplied the magnetic tape and tacked it into place with brad nails. That puppy isn't going ANYWHERE. And it looks amazingly neater:

OMG, MUCH better!! 

Getting Something Together... Bathroom (part 1)

I'm on a roll today. I went out and bought organizational goodies for the kitchen, then mosied on over to Lowes to see if there was anything there I could use/be inspired by.

BIG MISTAKE. I should not be allowed in that store without adult supervision.

Instead of getting additional kitchen organizational goodies, I ended up buying paint. For my bathroom. Totally wasn't on the radar for an overhaul. But I saw a post on pinterest and kinda lost my mind. So I painted the vanity this afternoon. I will also be painting the walls, the other cabinets, and the tile. The bathroom will be very different when I'm done.

Discharged From OT

It's hard to believe, but as of today I've been discharged from OT. My most sincere thanks and gratitude go out to Marilyn and Kelly, my compassionate, brilliant, amazingly wonderful OT's. I've already friended one of them on fb, and I'm sure I'll be keeping in touch with the other. I feel overwhelming gratitude to these women, who have been so instramental to helping me achieve the tools I need in order to be successful. They have been nothing but 100% supportive along this leg of my journey, and I can honestly say they have been a blessing.

Marilyn and I were discussing today ways to make splints and braces more "beautiful" and I think I may be on to something... I came across a really cool bracelet on Etsy that I may be able to incorporate into my bracing. And it appears it may be easy enough to make on my own. Marilyn even gave me some extra foam and told me to give it a try - and to come in and show her if it is a success!! :D

Here's the bracelet I was looking at:

 I was thinking I might be able to wrap it on top of my already existing brace, or incorporate it into becoming an actual brace itself. I may have to check out Michaels to see what clasps they have, and possible medallions. Maybe a new calling?

Open Letter to Spouse/Partner*

Dear significant other,

Please understand that I am going through a horrible ordeal. I feel terrible about inflicting my illness on you. I know that you're affected by my changes, and I wish it were otherwise. I dont want to be ill.

I feel guilty about my inability to shoulder former responsibilities at work and at home, dumping more on you. I wish I could do more or know in advance what I will be capable of each day. I worry that you'll think Im lazy or trying to dodge responsibilities I dislike, but thats not it. Sometimes I just cant, and other times I know it would be a mistake to use up all my energy on a minor thing and then have to give up something more important.

I want to know that I can trust you and that you will be available to listen and try to understand. And Ill try to understand that you cant always be available.

At times my feelings are irrational. My moods are erratic, and I get angry for no apparent reason, or way out of proportion to the trigger. This is part of my illness, and I'll try to keep it under control. I dont mean to direct the anger and frustration at you, but I will sometimes fail. If my mood swings become too hard to take and you feel ready to explode, please tell me so, gently. Maybe one of us can leave the scene, and we can talk about it later when we're both calmer.

Sometimes I need to talk about these irrational feelings. Just listen, okay? Please dont tell me how to feel or how not to feel. You can't "fix" my feelings. Please dont judge them; just accept and acknowledge them. When you say such things as, "your illness must be terribly frustrating for you," I feel understood and comforted. But dont tell me you know how I feel. You dont and you cant; no one can know exactly what this is like for me. And when I cry, dont try to make me stop. Please let me cry - I'll feel better later.

I know I complain a lot. It helps to relieve tension. If my complaining strains your tolerance, please tell me so. I wont like hearing it, and may not handle it well, but I really do understand that you need to distance yourself from my complaints.

I need to work at making clear requests so that you'll know what I need. It's not your job to mind-read - its my responsibility to ask for what I want. This is difficult for me; its easier for me to meet others' needs than to admit my own and ask that they be met.

Dont try to talk me out of my symptoms or remind me that they're not as bad as they could be or not as bad as they were. I know I need to stay hopeful, but if you take an optimistic role when Im feeling pessimistic, I feel as if you dont understand me and wont validate my feelings.

I know you dont understand why Im sick. Neither do I. Lets stay away from blame and acknowledge our feelings of helplessness.

Dont give up your whole life for me. Please continue to do the things that are important to you. I wont always be able to do them with you, so do them alone or with a friend. Sometimes I resent my limitations and your freedom, but I'll try to keep a healthy perspective. If you put your life on hold because of my illness, I'll feel guilty and your resentment will build. I appreciate your invitations to do things as a reminder that you still value my company. Please dont assume what I can or can't do; ask, and I'll answer you honestly. I hope you will understand that when I say "no," its not because I dont want to but because I can't or shouldn't.

I know I'm not the way I used to be. I'm trying to learn from my illness, from these changes, and you can help. We can't pretend that things are the way they were or that they'll ever be the same again. But as we change and grow, I want us to grow together rather than apart. Lets keep the lines of communication open. When I need to withdraw, I'll try to let you know so you wont take it personally. Please do the same for me. Don't just pull away; explain to me that you need distance temporarily so I'm less inclined to feel abandoned.

Because we're both experiences losses, we need to grieve. Some of our grieving will be solitary and some of it shared. Lets acknowledge what we've lost by mourning together.

Please dont try to make my decisions for me. If you see me wearing down and think I should rest, I value your observations and suggestions, but dislike being told what I should do. I need to take care of myself and you can help, but dont try to take over. Your encouragement helps me to do a better job of taking care of myself.

When you acknowledge my difficulties and my strengths, I might have trouble believing what you say, but I do need to hear it. Tell me you think I'm brave, that I'm fighting hard, that I'm weathering this calamity well.Tell me you still love and value me, and why. Small tokens help - a flower, a phone call, a card.

Sometimes I may be unable to hear you or I may even push you away when I'm hurting, especially at times when I cant love myself. I'll try not to hurt you, but if I do, please understand that Idont mean to reject you.

I know our sexual relationship has changed and that we both miss the way it was. My lack of energy and sexual interest is a result of my illness and not a rejection of you. I need to remain close with you in every possible way. Hugs are comforting and reassuring to me.

These are rough times for us. I appreciate the efforts you've made to help me cope and to be comfortable. I know I've been difficult to live with. At times you have been too. If we can get through these times together, our relationship will become stronger.

*From Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, and Other Invisible Illnesses by Katrina Berne, PhD

Autumn Jam

So in my usual fashion, when stressed, I turn to food. But today I made a jam I've never made before. Blackberry/Cranberry. HO-LY YUM.

2 6oz packages blackberries
12 oz cranberries
1/2 cup water (or apple cider)
2-3 Tbsp maple syrup
1/2 tsp cinnamon

Put everything in a pot and simmer until cranberries burst. Mash berries with potato masher and simmer for a couple more minutes. Cool or can as desired.

*adapted from Autumn Jam recipe on www.theculturedcook.com.

This is low sugar, gluten free, and full of amazing flavor.

Relief and Frustration

Relief - I do not have any of the other markers for Lupus, so that potential diagnosis is out. PHEW.

Frustration - There is nothing they can do regarding my joint instability syndrome. I just have to deal. I can continue to have surgeries that don't hold, or they can fuse my joints so they are no longer an issue, and that is it. No medications to slow it down, and they really don't know much of anything about it.

SO FRUSTRATING.

But I have my dietary focus now, so that is great news. And the Rheum wrote me a script for strictly pool work physical therapy. I asked the doc how he felt about a change in lifestyle and going 100% gluten free (I mentioned some of the research I had done) and he was completely supportive of me trying that avenue. "There have been reports of many people having great success managing their fibro pain and fatigue by cutting out gluten. I say give it a shot! It certainly won't hurt anything, thats for sure!"

So there I have it - an endorsement to take my health and well being into my own hands by a medical professional.

Turns out my Occupational Therapist is gluten free, can free, plastic free, pastured grass fed animal consuming, and raw milk drinking. 2 people in the last week have recommended the GAPS book to me, so I think I'll give it a look. It also turns out that a girl I went to middle school and high school with is a nutritional goddess and is very open to talking about health and wellness. My mom is going to go to the gluten free classes with me and she is looking into how much a membership is for us to use the pool at the local YMCA. I feel like all the puzzle pieces are falling into place to get this done right - and to be fully supported by family and friends. :-D

Food 102

I got home from my nutrition class about an hour ago and I am still SO excited about the changes that will be made in our household.

Todays class focused on how to blend this lifestyle into your current one. Again, Lisa did not disappoint with handouts that I can share with family and friends. I'm so excited to learn more. Its strange, I felt really connected to Lisa today... like the information she was sharing I just wanted to absorb and immediately share with others. Maybe once I've switched over our household and gained first hand results of wellness, teaching others might be in my future? I do love sharing information with others...

Take today for example: I got a ride to Whole Paycheck from my BFF. We are still down to one car, which makes simple tasks trying, but I digress. I had such a great time walking around the store with her, sharing what info I'd been learning. We talked about "organic cage-less" vs "pastured" eggs, the difference in nutritional value, and the cost of investing in your health.

Cost is a big stumping factor for most people. They way I look at it, I'm sitting on $5k of medical bills from AUGUST - PRESENT ALONE. $5,000 is a LOT of money!!! Thats an additional $96 a WEEK that I could be investing in better quality foods for my family that may reverse my pain and disability and keep my children safe from ever having to face this themselves.

If that isn't an eye opener, I don't know what is.

 

 



Stalemate...

I had an appointment with the surgeon this morning and it appears we have reached a stalemate. My surgery has basically undone itself already (damn) and she said it would be pointless to attempt another soft tissue reconstruction as my body would just tear it all apart again anyways. She said she wants to wait to see what the rheumatologist says on Thursday before we move forward. She is hoping they will put me on some kind of "biological medication" that will slow down my body's tendency to attack itself. After we get that figured out, we can move forward. Otherwise, she said she would have to fuse the bones in my wrist, and I would basically have to decide what motions I would be willing to give up: either flipping my hand over, or extension/flexion of the wrist.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, by any means.

SO! Now is as good a time as any to get me back on track from the inside out. To see what I can help/reverse by taking care of myself and really pushing my family to accept the nutritional changes I want to see happen. When the surgeon said "biological medicine" a little trumpet went off in my brain - I can affect my biology through diet. Now, thats not to say that I will refuse medication. I'm falling apart - literally. I need to get that crap under control NOW. But I also know that once I get on a medication to stabilize my weirdness, I may be able to wean myself off should I also get all of the shit out of my diet too. Heal myself from the inside out.

Its worth a shot. It certainly couldn't get much worse...

Food 101 - You Are What You Eat

Having allowed myself a little wallow time, I feel remarkably inspired to get down and dirty with how I can do something about what is happening to me. I've decided to focus on diet. I've always had a bit of a food obsession to begin with (bulemia in my teens/early twenties) and I've tried more than once to do a diet overhaul. I've had 2 factors that always lead to their failure. 1) I didn't completely buy into what they were saying - Yes, a plant-based diet does have many many health benefits... but lets be honest here, I like how tush (animal products) taste. I just don't like how animal products are jam packed with hormones, pesticides, antibiotics... and don't get me started on the treatment of those poor souls. 2) Crappy support. So does this mean I can never eat meat or drink milk ever again??

Thankfully, the answer is no. I don't have to give these things up!

I went to a nutritional class on Tuesday with my mom called "One plate at a time: Eating to beat diabetes, inflammatory disease, and cancer" lead by Lisa (The Cultured Cook). She was AMAZING. I seriously can't wait for next weeks class!! Not only that, but she has a course on gluten-free living coming up next month... I can't wait!! But I digress...

In the class we talked about how diabetes and disease reek havok in the body. We only lightly touched on inflammatory diseases, but the following information was more than amazing. We talked about how the body processes what we eat and how we can directly effect our health with our diet. Omega 3's are anti-inflammatory. They are found in high concentrations in green grass. Humans do not produce Omega 3's, nor can we digest grass. So how the heck are we supposed to get these amazing little powerhouses into our systems? By consuming something that consumes the grass! Lisa then introduced the idea that "organic" milk only means no hormones and no pesticides were used in the cows feed or injected into their bodies... but those cows are typically grain fed, not pasture grass fed...

The old atteche "you are what you eat" is true. But you are also what the thing you're eating has been eating.

For a warm fuzzy example of this in nature: Brine shrimp eat red algae. Brine shrimp are pink. Flamingo's eat brine shrimp. Flamino's are... Pink! Flamingo's kept in captivity that are fed a shrimp alternative are... White! See? You are what you eat. ;)

Now for the less fuzzy example... Store bought chicken. Those chicken are fed corn (sprayed with pesticides), corn meal, bone meal (from other chickens, mind you), and chicken litter (ground up chicken parts, feathers, feces, and corn meal that has fallen on the ground). It's enough to make you sick, isnt it? The chickens too, so they are given an antibiotic to keep infection and disease to a minimum. And since those poor souls can't sustain life in those conditions for long, they are given growth hormone to speed up their growth rate so they can be slaughtered before dying from disease.

Yum yum. Dish me up a plate of THAT.

So I have decided no more regular old store bought meats, eggs and milk. I'm done with that. No thank you!

Last week I purchased an 1/8 of a pasture grass fed cow. I currently have just over 50 lbs of assorted cuts of meat in my upright freezer. That should last me a little while. I'm also joining a co-op for my milk, eggs, and poultry. These are all pastured, grass fed animals. Oh, and no antibiotics or growth hormones for these bad boys. The milk is raw whole milk. I know, I know, poo poo me on that one... but is your milk full of Omega 3's? Nope! They've been cooked right out with pastuerization, along with a slew of other vitamins and minerals. Is it a little pricey? Sure... but so are all these freakin medical bills!! If you're in the Metro Detroit Area, check out Family Farms Cooperative We are talking SUPER reasonable not to mention supporting local Michigan farmers. I'm also doing away with canned veggies and plastic bottles for my milk storage... More on that later. ;-)

I'm excited!! :-D

Fun fact for the day: Did you know that if you buy 1 gallon of whole milk and split it between 2 seperate gallon jugs and fill to the brim with water, you now have 2 gallons of 2% milk?? How's that for stretching a dollar??