Taoist Thoughts...

I need to settle my heart and my mind on these thoughts.

“You can trust everyone to be human, with all the quirks and inconsistencies we humans display, including disloyalty, dishonesty and downright treachery. We are all capable of the entire range of human behavior, given the circumstances, from absolute saintliness to abject depravity. Trusting someone to limit their sphere of action to one narrow band on the spectrum is idealistic and will inevitably lead to disappointment.
On the other hand, you can decide to trust that everyone is doing their best according to their particular stage of development, and to give everyone their appropriate berth. For this to work, you have to trust yourself to make and have made the right choices that will lead you on the path to your healthy growth. You have to trust yourself to come through every experience safely and enriched. But don’t trust what I am saying. Listen and then decide for yourself. Does this information sit easily in your belly? You know when you trust yourself around someone because your belly feels settled and your heart feels warm.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior    


“Who you are is always right.”
― Deng Ming-Dao, Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony


“For a few moments, attune your mind to the idea of harmony and peaceful coexistence flowing among all peoples and nations.
The source of this idea is deep within your heart.
As you calmly breathe in and out, picture it radiating from you like a fine, colored vapor gradually covering the face of the earth.
See it enter the hearts of everyone, especially those stuck in the mad zones.
Feel it circulate everywhere until it comes all the way round and back to you.
This is love in action.
The source of this love is the Tao.
Savor this.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior    


“When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the slightest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.”
― Hsin Hsin Ming


I had discussed with the therapist that I felt like I was in perpetual limbo. And that when I went up north by myself and asked the universe what I was supposed to do, the answer I got was "you don't have to decide today." The more I'm looking into Taoism and the principles that surround it, maybe I'm not so wishy-washy and "in limbo" after all - maybe I've just been a Taoist my whole life and didn't even know it. It drives my spouse CRAZY when he asks me for my opinion/suggestions on a decision (dinner, for example) and I tell him that I have no preference. For years I would make suggestions only for him to turn around and choose something completely different, leaving me feeling unheard and invalidated. Now when he asks, I have no preference - not because I'm spiteful and no longer want to participate in the decision making process, but because I truly have no preference any more. It's not to say "I don't care," it's more along the lines of letting go of things I ultimately have little/no control of anyways.

I'm rambling...

A Break

I mentioned I was going to head up north to my parents house for a bit of a break - a little reprieve of my life to just relax, heal, think, and be.

It was wonderful.

I sent an email to the bestie describing what I did, and I shall paste it here... Since it perfectly articulated what I did, why try to recreate the wheel. ;3



What I Did on My Summer Vacation

1) Ate Bacon

2) Ate Candied Bacon

3) Ate Smores

4) Ate Candied Bacon... ON a Smore (struck culinary genius with this one)

5) Printed stuff on tank tops

6) Made some crappy art

7) Took a (mostly) naked nap in the sun on the deck

8) Went for a hike with B'scotch

9) Ate Bacon

10) Played fetch with B'scotch for hours

11) Went for a 2 mile walk with B'scotch (walking in sand should count for 3x the activity)

12) Thought about who I've become - and that I don't care for her very much. Also thought about finally being honest with DH about who I feel I am - what I've been twisted into, and what I've done in the past. This TERRIFIES me, but I can't move forward with my head firmly wedged up my ass in the past. "You gotta put your behind in your past." 

13) Slept in a huge snuggley comfy bed.

14) Woke with the sunrise, went to bed when I was tired

15) Meditated

16) Did some gentle yoga poses/stretches

17) Laid in the grass and just listened...

18) Ate Bacon

 

Next time I will go up for more than 44 hours.

 

OH! I also took a couple baths... in the ginormous Jacuzzi tub. Just me and Buddha, chillin.

I suspect he's up to something...

Pay It Forward

I did something today I haven't done before. Not to this extent anyways... I paid it forward. And it felt GOOD.

I went to Michaels to get craft supplies for a fundraiser I have in mind for the 3-day. As I walked to my car, a young woman, who looked lost, scared, and overwhelmed approached me. "Excuse me ma'am... I am so embarrassed to do this, but do you have a couple bucks? Our car is out of gas and we have a long way to go. I'm so sorry to bother you..." She looked down in shame. Her clothes looked like she had been in the car... for a while. I looked at her, smiled, and said "do you have enough gas to get to the gas station?" She looked bewildered and stammered "I... I think so?" I nodded and said "Ok. I'll follow you to the gas station and put a couple bucks in your gas tank..." It was at his point one of her travelling mates got out of the car. "Heather, what are you doing?? We'll figure it out, leave that lady alone..." I smiled again and shook my head. "Its no bother... Can you make it to the gas station?" Her jaw dropped and she nodded. "Ok. I'll follow you."

It was as if the traffic Gods were smiling. During rush hour we had a perfect opening for both cars to turn left on a busy street. The lights cooperated and we were able to coast into the gas station just as their car ran out of gas. I walked up to the car, swiped my car and asked where they were headed. Heather chimed in they were heading to Alma or some such city. They mentioned they weren't from around here (the car had a Maine plate) and that they were literally stranded in a city they weren't familiar with, with no friends or family anywhere nearby. I nodded as I listened, thoughtful to what they had been through. "When was the last time you ate?" They looked at each other, then to me, then down at their shoes. "Its been a couple days..."

I looked to the driver. "Ok. Here's the deal. You, fill up the car. And Heather, come inside the gas station with me and pick out a couple drinks and snacks for your trip." Heather followed after me, thanking me profusely and praising God. We got a couple items and the other girl came in with my receipt. As I was purchasing the food, they both told the cashier that I was an "angel from heaven." He looked at them like they were crazy. When he looked to me, I smiled and gave him a wink. When we got back outside, the girls both gave me several hugs, thanked me profusely, and again said I was an amazing person. I smiled and said "I'm not an amazing person. I've done plenty in my life that I am not proud of. Plenty that would categorize me as far from saintly... But I have one stipulation to my generosity today..." They both looked so scared... "I only ask that you pay it forward. That if you see someone else who is struggling, you give them a leg up if you are able. That is my only request."

"Ma'am, you have a deal. You've saved our lives today... and we will never forget you." Another hug and they were on their way. I wish them well.

Random acts of kindness... They do exist... and I'm proud I was able to participate today.

Starting MORE Therapy (and a bit of an JIS rant)

So while I was at the Rheumatologist last week, he asks "have you started your physical therapy yet?" No. I had just had surgery on my hand and was waiting to get that under control before I started additional therapies. "Ok, well I want you to start. Here's another script for pool therapy. And the flexiril isn't doing anything? Here's a script for a new anti-spasmatic medication..." Took the new meds last night (1/2 a pill as he suggested to start) and I didn't really notice a difference. BUT, it's the first night, I froze my tush off on the couch and I was lamenting the Tiger's losing the World Series. I'm not throwing my hands up in defeat that I will never sleep again just yet.

After my OT today, I swung by the physical therapy office and asked to make an appointment to get my pool therapy rolling. They were very accomedating with my OT schedule and the stars alligned just right as the therapist who will be treating me actually specializes in connective tissue disorders and has JIS herself. I am hopeful that this will give her the best insight as to how to help me. A little voice in the back of my head is chirping "beware!" as one of the draw backs to finding someone else with a rare ailment (unfortunately) becomes a competative pissing match of who's case is more severe and who has the biggest right to bitch and complain. It happens all the time, ESPECIALLY with a group of women. That very reason is why I tend to internalize my shit - especially my medical issues - as nothing is more heartbreaking than having your fears and frustrations completely invalidated by a complete stranger by saying "Why are you complaining? My case is soooo much worse!"

Is it slightly ridiculous that my brain immediately goes on the defensive that I've actually potentially found someone else that suffers from the same shit as me? Ridiculous. I should be rejoicing! In reality, I despise not really understanding what is happening to my body. It's my body, I know it better than anyone. But even with the reseach I've been doing, the resources just aren't there to help me grasp the "why" because, quite frankly, no one knows. I get it, there isn't a dedicated association for this disorder like there is for Lupus, Fibromyalgia, and the other heavy hitters of the connective tissue disorder world. Why? One simple reason - it isn't terminal. Not in the immediate sense. It's more of an "inconvenience" type of disease. "Oh, your body parts pop out of the socket? That's inconvenient." "Oh, your connective tissues are falling apart and there isn't a really valid reason why? That's inconvenient." See what I mean? Echo came back clear, so for now my heart is uneffected. GOOD. So now what can I do to "uneffect" the rest of my body??

We shall have to see what the new jiggley joint therapist says!

No News is Good News?

Still no word back about my labs or my echocardiogram. I see the rhuematologist again in October, so I'm sure we'll just go over everything then.

Anyone else out there feel like Autoimmune diagnosis is a huge game of "hurry up and wait?" Get these labs done! Now wait... Get your heart scanned! Now wait...



I knew a diagnosis would be time consuming, but I hate the feeling of not knowing.