Today has been really hard. Every once in a while I'll get smacked with the idea that what I am going through isn't going away. It isn't going to "get all better." THIS is how my life is going to be.
How the hell am I supposed to cope with "this?" Granted, "this" isn't exactly new. I've been dealing with "this" nearly my whole life. But it just seems that "this" has gotten SOOO much worse in the past year. I mean really - who the hell dislocates their hand/forearm taking towels out of the drier? Who the hell tears muscle by simply being, or sneezing? Me. I do. And it's only going to get worse???
Today's depression tailspin is brought to you by a former massage client of mine. I haven't seen her in a year, and she came into the office today looking for me. She wanted to book a massage with me, and book one for her daughter and I had to inform her of my change in career.
Broke my fucking heart.
What's worse? SHE burst into tears and lamented that she could never go to another therapist - that she didn't want anyone else. God damn that was painful to hear. Amazingly validating that I did good work as a massage therapist, stab in my heart that "this" took it away from me.
I mentioned my blah-dom to my physical therapist and she gave me the name and number to her psychologist and the therapist that she sees. She strongly recommended I call them. She said that she probably understands better than anyone what this chronic illness/syndrome can do to ones mental state, and she really wants me to call them and see them before I really start to get antsy. I think I'll take her up on it.
Somethings gotta give. :-/
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