Taking a Step Back

My last couple posts have seemed pretty bleak, which is appropriate, as I have been feeling that way lately. I have had more going on then just my body falling apart. My family life is a little shakey right now too. I've been trying to vocalize my needs, and I am simply not being heard. Or I'm being heard, and then deliberately ignored - which in my opinion is so much worse. I mentioned couples therapy to the hubby and he was confused. "Why would we need that?"  Oh I don't know, so that you hear and maybe acknowledge what I say? So that we can BOTH be armed with tools for coping with the "new normal?" So that we can figure out a game plan for moving forward?

In response to me leaving and spending the night at my parents the other night (again, I was not being heard or deliberately ignored) he booked a long weekend where we spent our honeymoon... A thoughtful gesture, only we are also bringing the kids, and quite frankly we don't have the money to GO on vacation right now. So not only will it not be relaxing, as I'll still have to be Mommy and watch my kids like a hawk at a water park (they can't swim yet, so my anxiety will be through the roof - plus my instability in the water is pretty bad - all my braces have to come off) but then I'll have to worry about how this is going to effect our finances for the next couple months too.

His mother brought up that she heard we were going on vacation, and that she was excited about it. I told her I wasn't so sure about it, and she looked shocked. She rattled off the list of all the fun things there are to do and I just clinched my teeth and said "You're absolutely right, Hubby and the kids are going to have a great time." She sighed heavily and said "You know Mer, sometimes you just have to go along for the ride." I got so angry, I practically shouted "No, sometimes I have to be the only fucking fiscally responsible adult in the house and it is utterly exhausting. If we can't afford to go to Disney in the spring with the rest of you guys, we can't afford to go on a long vacation anywhere else either! Maybe I can schedule to have our heat and electricity shut off while we're out of town, since they are about to do it anyways..." She just looked at me like I had slapped her (well, I verbally did I guess) and my sister-in-law chimed in that it was time for a topic change as the tension in the room had gone through the roof. I said I was sorry and just looked at the ground.

I am ALWAYS the bad guy.

My father-in-law quietly said after "you know, I agree with you." It was a little validating to have someone on my side, but it was also so uncomfortable being there after my little outburst. I left shortly after.

Running away on a mini vacation is not going to make "this" go away, nor is it going to make it any easier for me. And undoubtedly, Hubby will set some deadline that the house has to be "completely clean" before we go anywhere, adding additional stress to what is supposed to be a fun thing. But since I'm the one saying this is a bad idea, or that we should think about rescheduling or something, I'M THE BAD GUY.

I'm not the bad guy, I'm the adult in this situation. In every situation.

I really need to take a huge step back from my life and really take a hard look at what is adding ridiculous stress to my life. If it's something I can change, I'll change it. If it's something that is unwilling to compromise or listen, maybe its time to let it go. Something has got to give, and I'm just tired of feeling like the only one who is bending/breaking.

Therapy?

I finally called to schedule my occupational therapy for my hand. I still havent called or started my physical therapy for the rest of my body as, quite frankly, I can't afford the extra $60 a week on top of the $60 I'm going to be spending weekly on OT. This "taking care of yourself" is some expensive business!!

Not to mention still being down to one car with no end of that in sight. I have a dead car in my driveway and no way to get to therapy on my own. So I have to rely on rides from friends and family. This is definitely a lesson in humility if ever there was one. I really struggle with asking for help, and this has been a difficult week for me.

My mom, the incredible individual that she is, brought over Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, and Other Invisible Illnesses by Katrina Berne, PhD. She has put little slips of paper in it, marking points of interest and adding little notes here and there. While I am still reading it, one of the biggest things that sticks out is An Open Letter from Patient to Spouse/Partner. I've been feeling really hurt and resentful lately, and I think giving annoying hubby this letter will be the big break through I've needed to express. I've been completely withdrawing from him, mostly due to resentment I feel towards him. If this doesnt work, then I'll know what I need to do.

Wait, What Do You Mean I'm Not Super-Human??

So in my last post I mentioned a little bit about myself. One aspect was my annoying husband. So while I have been laid up with my most recent "put body parts back on" episode, I had been counting on him to step up his game around the house. Even before my surgery to get my hand put back together, I had been trying to prep him...

Me: You know, I'll be back in a cast again after my surgery... which means I won't be able to do jack. No dishes, no laundry, no changing the small boy's diapers...

Him: Yeah, sure, no problem babe. I've got this!

Here we are 3.3 weeks post-op and he clearly doesn't "got this!" The house had grown more cluttered, toys and stuff everywhere, dog hair in the corners, dishes piled in the sink, dirty wet towels on the bathroom floor... and annoying hubby comes home from work and complains about the mess, yet doesnt do anything about it. So yesterday I had had enough. I am not supposed to be using my left arm at all - so I attempted not to use it too much. The cast isnt waterproof, so that makes for a good reminder not to use it.

Let me tell you... if one handed dishwashing becomes an Olympic sport, I am headed for GOLD baby. Tho I admit, it was intensely awkward and I can only imagine comical to watch.

Kitchen? Cleaned.
Bathroom? Cleaned.

I even began sorting through childrens toys to be put away in their rooms.

I was a Domestic Goddess. A cleaning Super Hero, if you will. I was... a complete idiot.



While my family is basking in the glow of a little corner of cleanliness in the house, I am paying for it today. I hurt. My surgery arm burns like blazes and the rest of me is just sore. I over did it. I knew when I did it I would pay for it later... but I was just tired of listening to the complaining. And I know that all I did by giving in and getting it done was enable annoying hubby. Squeeky wheel gets the grease. Complain enough and bum-arm wife will do it for me.

I'm not Super-Human. Right now I don't even feel sub-human.

THIS is the hardest part of dealing with FM, JIS, and whatever auto-immune goodies I have brewing in my lab results... Not being able to do it all. I read an article about "Living with Lupus" and it did a beautiful job explaining how you only have so many spoons to spend per day. Each activity of the day takes a spoon and there are only so many to spend in a day. I'm not ready to admit I have a limited amount of spoons.