Fusion It Is

June 27th I go back under the knife, hopefully for the last time for this body part. I can't believe my surgery is only 10 days away. I'm a little excited, but mostly terrified right now. I made the mistake of researching the surgery further and watched a video of an actual procedure.

This is going to hurt so bad initially... So bad...

I'm sitting here trying not to cry at the moment. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed, yet I feel like I can't say anything to anyone. I've hinted that I'm nervous to family and friends... but this is more than just nervous. This is it. This is the absolute end of my massage career. There is no turning back after this surgery. Granted I can't do massage NOW, but with my wrist fused, I have to look at alternatives to everything going forward.

Driving (won't be so bad, I drive that way now)
Eating (will be tricky. Try cutting your food with one hand immobile at the wrist...)
Typing (until my hand is fused AND I can pronate my hand again, I'll be typing one handed.)
Showering (I HATE bathing with a garbage bag on my arm... but it is what it is.)
Grooming (since my elbow will also be immobilized during the cast process, my hair will be an absolute mess. Which reminds me... I should think about dying it next week so I don't have horrible roots right away)

I'm nervous.

Another Surgery?

Saw the Orth. Dr today. They took x-rays of both my wrists. The right one looks good - I have a pinched nerve from sleeping on the couch with my arm curled under me. I just have to sleep with it straight and it should clear up.

 

My left hand is a whole other story. She said the xrays were "ugly." The carpal bones are all twisted around and not sitting right. One of the bones that is supposed to sit in a little "socket" isn't even close. SHOCKER! But she said my options are few. Either leave it alone, or fuse the wrist. If we leave it, the wrist will remain unstable and will cause me pain for the rest of my life. It's not going to "get better" on it's own. It just is what it is. With the surgery, my wrist will be ridged, and basically stuck in the same position as when I wear my wrist brace. So I'll still be able to flip my hand over, type, etc... I just won't be able to flop my hand up and down (which I currently can't do anyways).

 

The surgery would be pretty brutal. Longer incision and some permanent hardware. They would strip all of my cartilage off my wrist bones and break a couple to promote bone growth. Then they would all just grow together. It would be similar to the first wrist surgery as far as post-op. It would be out patient and I would have another pain pump post op. Cast for 6-8 weeks and that's it.

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm leaning towards surgery, and sooner as opposed to later. I know it would be another summer in a cast, but with the fusion, I should be able to be WAY more hands on with the kids - as I won't be guarding that wrist and my pain will become zero after the bones heal.

 

Decisions Decisions...

Disappearing For A Bit...

So I've already been pretty quiet lately. Nothing overly different to say, I guess.

But tonight I am unplugging and disappearing into the woods for the weekend. I'm going to take my small dog with me for company, but that's it. No spouse, no kids, no friends... Just me and B. I'm taking my sketchbook and drawing supplies, stuff to make Ukrainian eggs, and another craft project for my 3-day training shirts.

My plan is to do some walking, take some pictures, create some art... And just be. No responsibilities. Just peace and quiet. It will be interesting. I'm sure I'll have something to say about it when I get back.

Be well, my friends. <3

A Hallow Shell

I downloaded a fun little horoscope app onto my phone, as I was curious what the stars had to say about things for me... So far it's been pretty on the money - saying that things are pretty tumultuous at the moment.

Todays said: You know where you are and you know where you want to be. That is the first step and the last step. All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way!

Seems about right.

But there was something else about this app that caught my attention and made me go "hmm..."

The attributes of my sign are: Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious.

There was a time when I was all of those things. I intimidated people with my determination and my demanding/commanding presence. Where did I go? When did I lose my "oomph?" I can feel little pieces of the old me trying desperately to break free. Pushing to the surface. Trying to catch a breath of air to bolster itself to finally break out of the hallow shell of whom I've become.

I want to get back to me. I want to be the intelligent, vibrant woman I once was. Now, I understand that I will never be completely the same. I know that my body is different now, on so many levels, that my physical self will never get back to the way that it was. I'm pretty ok with that. I've never been 100% comfortable in my own skin anyways, so this is nothing new. But lately I haven't been comfortable in my own head either. It's kind of a shit storm in there...

You know where you are. Yep. I know exactly where I am. A broken, faded, reflection of who I once was.

You know where you want to be. I want to resurface - to breathe - to rekindle the love affair with myself. To embrace my Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective and Ambitious self.

All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way! Of course they make this part sound so easy... so whimsical, haha. Falling in love with me again means admitting I've falling out of love. With myself, with others... with life. I had forgotten what passion felt like. I had forgotten what inspiration feels like as it tingles its way through you, guiding you, proding you, encouraging you onward.

This week someone said to me "You are wise beyond your years. I almost feel dumb around you. You don't make me feel that way.. but you are just a smart girl." It was the nicest compliment I have gotten in a very long time... and it kinda felt like the old me was making an appearance again.

Music Sets Free the Soul

I've been really listening to lyrics lately... looking for deeper meaning... being able to transport myself to a different time or place by simply letting go into the music and words.

Several songs move me to tears, but a particular song is stuck in my brain lately.

I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons

This song instantly takes me out of my body into a meadow, warming my skin with the sun, fingertips brushing along the tall grass, the scent sweet and fresh. I can't help but close my eyes, tip my chin towards the warmth and spread my arms wide - utter submission of myself to the sensation. As the crescendo builds, I feel the clouds roll in, opening up, pouring down on me. I kneel, giving in...


            So I'll be bold
            As well as strong
            And use my head alongside my heart
            So tame my flesh
            And fix my eyes
            That tethered mind free from the lies

            But I'll kneel down
            Wait for now
            I'll kneel down
            Know my ground

            Raise my hands
            Paint my spirit gold
            And bow my head
            Keep my heart slow

Interesting Side Effect...

Went to couples therapy Monday night. It was originally meant to be for us to work through our issues and learning to cope with the "new normal" together. But as I was seeing the councellor separately first, it kind of morphed into what can I do to make myself more comfortable, more stress-free, and the topic of me "taking a break" from my family was discussed. I had a breakdown and told hubby all about the things I had been thinking/feeling (wanting to leave, having everything planned out should I "accidentally" parish, not feeling happy, etc) and he was actually excited to go to therapy. I was so uncomfortable the entire time I was there, but I had some very moving moments of opening up about my past relationships - of what has brought me to where I am today.

I had an enormous breakthrough of letting go of past hurts... I have always been very envious of the relationship my mother and sister have, and as long as I can remember, my mother has always said "I don't want to hear it" when I would attempt to be closer to her - to share my life with her on a deeper level. I thought for years it was something I had said or done that caused her to have no interest in a deeper relationship with me. It wasn't until this therapy session that I realized it's not because she doesn't love me - it's because she loves me so much that when I share hard times and pain, it is just too intense for her. I can empathize with that completely. Its her defense mechanism that I had been misunderstanding as lack of interest/lack of caring. I felt a great sense of relief, a weight lifted from me when it finally dawned on me.

The rest of the session wasn't quite so warm and fuzzy (not that the previous realization was what I would call warm and fuzzy to begin with)... Hubby admitted he knew I wasn't happy, that he doesn't think I've ever really been "happy," nor does he really believe I'm capable. That was hard to hear, but mostly because it's true. We talked about how I internalize EVERYTHING and never really let things out. It was good to have that acknowledged.

But the strangest thing happend on the way home. I started to hurt... All over. And intense ache through every tissue in my body. I suspect I've not only been internalizing my mental pain, but my physical as well. I was not prepared for such a flood of physical pain. I am NOT a fan of that... If opening up and being a better person means being in chronic pain all the time, I'll take being an introverted hag over the alternative any day...