For Beauty

As stillness in stone to silence is wed,
May solitude foster your truth in word. 

As a river flows in ideal sequence,
May your soul reveal where time is presence. 

As the moon absolves the dark of distance,
May your style of thought bridge the difference. 

As the breath of light awakens color,
May the dawn anoint your eyes with wonder. 

As spring rain softens the earth with surprise,
May your wintery places be kissed by light. 

As the ocean dreams to the joy of dance,
May the grace of change bring you elegance. 

As clay anchors a tree in light and wind,
May your outer life grow from peace within. 

As twilight pervades the belief of night,
May beauty sleep lightly within your heart.  

-John O'Donohue
To Bless the Space Between Us

As I was fumbling around yesterday, attempting to get ready for an interview while also trying to will away a looming headache, I realized that I didn't feel attractive on the outside. I curled my hair, I did my eyes, and I joked that I was "pretending to look pretty." But I didn't look pretty. I didn't feel pretty. I looked like every other woman my age who is tired, sick, slightly overweight, and starting their lives over at 38. Curled hair and a little mascara doesn't transform who you are, how others view you, but these are the weapons of war that are handed to little girls and instilled that without them, we are not "put together" - this is our war paint. If you don't "put your face on," you are somehow viewed as being lazy, disorganized, frumpy, depressed...

I dislike makeup. Always have. Partly because my mother wasn't a fan and didn't really teach me how to use it, and partly because I have always felt that it was a form of hiding - a form of deception. Applying makeup to others is an art form - one that I find to be interesting from an artistic standpoint, but I don't like being my own canvas.

With me, what you see is what you get. Yes, I'll occasionally do my hair so it doesn't look like a ratty wig, but that is about it. I'll wax or shave every once in a while, but it isn't important to me. I've never been one of those women who's worth was dependent on the silkiness of her legs. I recently attempted an armpit detox and switched to all natural products. After giving it a go for a couple months, I've switched back to my regular deodorant as I quickly grew tired of stinking the second I broke any kind of a sweat. Apparently I do have some standards after all. And yet... I feel like there is this constant standard that I'm supposed to adhere to. That I'm supposed to be pretty.

But I don't feel pretty. I never have.

My husband used to compliment me all the time. To the point of annoyance. He still does. But it feels so shallow, and it's always superficial. Compliments are always based on my looks. Put a little makeup on and he's all over me like a rash. He doesn't understand why I don't blush and thank him for pointing out how I look. He doesn't understand that how I look is not a measure of my worth in my own eyes, so he's merely complimenting only a facade.

The greatest compliment I have ever received was from someone saying that they could see how far I've come - that they can see the ways in which I'm growing and learning and really diving into the "hard work."  Compliments on the work you put into the inside are so much fewer and farther between, but these are the compliments that matter to me.

So as I read John O'Donohue's poem above this morning, it moved me. There is beauty in change. There is beauty in shifting from darkness to light. There is beauty in being present. There is beauty in grace. There is beauty in growth. This is where my beauty lies. Others may not see it right away, but I know it's there. It's not in the number on the scale, or how youthful a foundation makes my skin look... God doesn't care what eye shadow makes my eyes "pop," and frankly, neither do I.

That's not to say I'm going to let myself completely go to shit. I do want to be the healthiest physical form of myself to continue my emotional and spiritual growth, within my control. Heal my body as best I can while I continue to heal my heart and mind.

I don't want to be pretty.

I want to be beautiful. 
Full of beauty.