After inhaling half a pan of chocolate chip cookie covered brownies and having another cry, I feel like a new person today. I am so confused by my surge of emotions yesterday. The swings were outrageous, and quite frankly, I am completely embarrassed. I swung between sadness and happiness, contentment and jealousy, confidence and crippling insecurity. While I was walking, drenched in sweat and tears, I had the fleeting thought that this could all just disappear in the blink of an eye, and I would have peace.
I sent a message to the prescribing Dr to discuss other options.
In other news, my meditations and readings are still focused on what I am, and what I am not. This passage touched me today: "...the instant we can accept what is not in our nature, rather than being distracted by all we think we could or should be, then all our inner resources are free to transform us into the particular self we are aching to be. This act of acceptance is a risk that frees us because we can't find the growth that awaits us until we give up what is against our very nature. It is this surrender, without knowing what will happen next, that allows our lives to truly unfold." Even my meditation was about letting go of the end goal of enlightenment. There is no moment of brilliance and then floating around in an enlightened zen-like cloud the rest of your life. I knew this was true, I knew in the beginning of my mindfulness practice that there was no "end," no "outcome." It just is. This crosses over into other areas of my life too. Some aspects of my life have definite goals - things that I am working towards to accomplish (divorce), but everything else is left to "delightful ambiguity." At times it's a struggle to let go and just be, but sometimes it feels completely freeing to do so.
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