Weird Day

I sat down at my computer tonight and thought "I really should write something" as this weekend has been a challenging one. Hot topics included my right and constant need to set physical boundaries with certain individuals over and over and over (multiple times over the course of one day even) and also setting standards of appropriate body images for my pre-teen daughter. Neither of which the other party wanted to address or discuss like an adult. It was uncomfortable and frustrating, and it was pointed out to me that undoubtedly the closer I get to where I need to be, the less I am going to be able to tolerate these behaviors. And it's true. I feel myself growing wary of the constant invalidation of my needs and the constant unwanted intrusion on my personal space. It's getting very hard to hold my tongue, and I can't help but feel like this is bullshit.

Then I remembered my reading from this morning.

"...the everhumbling cycle of growing strong roots comes from eating what grows from our own shit, from digesting and processing our own humanity."

I suddenly felt a surge of calm awareness. I am going to get through this okay. Not only that, but I am going to continue to grow through the bullshit and be a stronger person because of it. I've already learned so much about what healthy relationships can look like, and what I will never allow myself to tolerate ever again. I can learn from my mistakes and grow from them.

I am going to get through this okay.

.....

When I got home this evening I was on the phone. Normally I wrap up my calls before entering my parents house, but today I wasn't quite ready to hang up. My dad wasn't exactly waiting up for me, but he made the effort to come say hello. I could tell he wanted to talk, and being on the phone was a nice way to avoid it. But after I hung up the phone, I realized I should check on him and see if he needed something.

He wanted to complain.

He wanted to vent and complain and talk about the fence business, about my brothers work ethic, about his frustration with paying my brothers mortgage for the last 5 months straight, about the pain in his foot, about his fears that it isn't going to get better, about his guilt of being such a burden to my mother, about his frustrations about being so dependent still...

Then he stopped himself.

"Wow... I didn't know I had all that bottled up in there. I normally don't complain this much..."

I took a deep breath. I didn't have any fight left in me after a full day of tongue biting and keeping my guard up, so I didn't lay into him about any of it. About the inappropriateness of discussing his issues with my brother to me YET AGAIN, or the complaining about his recent foot issues to his daughter with a chronic illness that involves pain on a daily basis. Instead I told him that I could appreciate his frustrations, and that it must be really hard for him. I also told him that I was familiar with the fear of not knowing if things will ever "get better" and how to navigate the idea of a new normal. I told him I could empathize with his frustrations and sadness at watching someone else take over the business that he had grown, and doing it in a way that he himself wouldn't do. I told him that I understood where he was coming from, and that I was sorry that he was going through this.

He immediately settled down and we talked about other things. He just needed to vent and needed someone to validate how he was feeling. He thanked me for listening. I told him that someday he would have an opportunity to return the favor. I probably should have told him I would send him a bill for $120 for being his therapist, hahaha!