A Moth

While I was typing last night, a strange thing happened. It was completely dark in my room with the exception of my computer monitor as I typed away. A huge moth slammed into my screen and scared the shit out of me. Once my brain registered the moth man was not out to get me, I felt sorry for the poor thing. Here he was, fluttering along the brightest points of my monitor, doing exactly what he was supposed to. Moths are driven internally by the moon, and this guy was just doing his best to get there. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just so focused on the destination that he didnt notice that he wasnt quite where he needed to be.

In that moment, I took pity on him, for I myself have been the moth plenty of times. I scooped him up and set him free.

Over the course of the day, I'd been thinking about that moth a lot. I sat with my fears that I am still that moth, desperately reaching out to touch brilliance, blind to the truth that it may never be meant for me, no matter how drawn to it I may be instinctually. But as I sat within those thoughts, I reached out to a friend, as I could feel I was treading in old waters, but didnt know what to do next in that moment.

She was gentle with me. More gentle that I had been with myself. And she said some things that were spot on. "...the struggle you are having right now is giving you a huge opportunity for growth. To really move thru the shit, the shit that makes you insecure and afraid and make the same mistakes over and over, and be better long term."

I think she could tell I was frustrated and frankly embarrassed by feeling like I was regressing, even momentarily, and rather than give me a hard time or simply telling me to snap out of it, she simply said "You are becoming your best self and that is hard ass work."

She couldn't see it, but I burst into tears. This is hard work! Today was definitely a day of weakness, and I was just so tired all day, but I feel stronger here at the end of the day than I did at the beginning.

I was reminded of a horse back riding lesson I had with a world champion. My mother paid a lot of money for this private clinic, and it was the day my horse decided a gate he had walked by at least a million times was now haunted. I spent the whole lesson trying to get him to walk by it. For 50 minutes I worked my ass off. I finally collapsed, sobbing in the way only a truly mentally and physically exhausted person can, and the instructor gently peeled me off of my horse. He then hopped on and with strong encouragement, had my horses nose on the fence within 5 minutes. I was furious and convinced I was a failure.

"Mer, I wouldn't have been able to get him here if you hadn't done all the hard work. Look at him. He's exhausted, foaming with sweat like he just had the workout of his life. YOU gave him the workout of his life. I did the easy part after you both had fought until you couldn't fight anymore! I could see you were at the finish line, but it's okay to let go too."

By learning to let go... To love others as they are in this moment, without expectation... To open myself to my own loving tenderness... To accept there will be days of weakness (and that's okay!)... To put my Trust in what is... To reaffirm my love and faith in Something Greater... THAT is how I continue to break free from old cycles. THAT is how I am no longer a moth.

I am my own moon. And I need to give myself a little credit for my own brilliance.