The Spaces In-Between

Just as life is made up of day and night, and song is made up of music and silence, friendships, because they are of this world, are also made up of times of being in touch and spaces in-between. Being human, we sometimes fill these spaces with worry, or we imagine the silence is some form of punishment, or we internalize the time we are not in touch with a loved one as some unexpressed change of heart.
Our minds work very hard to make something out of nothing. We can perceive silence as rejection in an instant, and then build a cold castle on the tiny imagined brick.
The only release from the tensions we weave around nothing is to remain a creature of the heart. By giving voice to the river of feelings as they flow through and through, we can stay clear and open.
In daily terms, we call this checking with each other, though most of us reduce this to a grocery list: How are you today? Do you need any milk? Eggs? Juice? Toilet paper? Though we can help each other survive with such outer kindnesses, we help each other thrive when the checking in with each other comes from a list of inner kindnesses: How are you today? Do you need any affirmation? Clarity? Support? Understanding?
When we ask these deeper questions directly, we wipe the mind clean of its misconceptions. Just as we must dust our belongings from time to time, we must wipe away what covers us when we are apart. 

I hate admitting how relevant this was to me this morning as I read it. There have been times (in the last 6 months particularly) that I have been really trying to grow in this very specific corner of my life. I absolutely used to be one of those people who would make assumptions about silence equating to disinterest, or distance meaning the other person no longer cares or feels the same way or any number of imaginary worst case scenario's. On the heels of removing myself from a very controlling relationship where silence was used as punishment, I began to realize that this fear of the silent treatment is a knee jerk reaction on my part. That part of my bizarre underlying need for reassurance has been a learned one. And it is a trait that I am working very hard on unlearning.

The "checking in" is awkward for me. I internally cringe because there are days I need a little extra reassurance, but I'm afraid to ask because I just did a check in a couple weeks ago. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of coming across as needy, whiny, jumpy, or having a complete lack of self confidence. While there may be a little truth to some of those traits, they are things I am actively working on, so I'm overly aware of them, and likely hyper sensitive about them. I have been working very hard on not taking distance personally. Everyone has their own lives, their own issues and things to deal with. It's during those spaces in-between that some of the work gets done. But I also crave communication and community. And as people pull away from me, I'm learning to respect the space they need, to give it without hurt feelings and made up stories in my head about disinterest, and am learning to understand that it likely has nothing to do with me. It's a completely different way of thinking from my past modus operandi, so it can at times feel confusing or strange. Those are the times when I need a quick reassurance that I'm pointed in the right direction, and also the times I'm most apprehensive to ask.

My angel card today is Healing. It seems entirely appropriate as healing, really, is what this is all about. Healing and growing.