Personalizing and Projecting

Following the previous theme of fabricating disinterest and a change of heart during the spaces in-between, today's message was about personalizing and projecting. Opposites really, but both can occur during those times of self doubt and loneliness. I have witnessed this from some of my friends, but I'm also working on identifying and acknowledging this within myself too. Personalizing steps in when I assume that I have done something wrong - that I have said or done something to "deserve" distance and imagined disinterest. Its taking in and internalizing things that have very little to nothing to do with me. On the flip side is projection, where I then push out my wants and needs onto others, which typically is not what they want or need.

I have been actively working on identifying these traits as I experience them and even slightly before (when I feel the knee jerk reactions stirring), so that I stop myself from creating stress that isn't there, and stop myself from pushing what I think I want onto others.

Initially it felt like a lot of tongue biting, of holding myself back and stuffing my feelings aside. But as I advance in my practice, it feels less and less like forced disassociation and more like... Mindfulness. But then where do my needs come into the picture? This topic seems to be reoccurring for me, but as I continue to grow and change, so do my needs and wants. If I'm being mindful of respecting others needs and wants, am I also actively honoring my own? Or am I putting them on the back burner to honor others above myself, my previous mind set?

I spent a little time last night in quiet contemplation about what my needs actually are, vs my previously fabricated ideal of that I thought I needed. When all the layers of BS are stripped away, I have very little needs. I have a few wants, but they aren't exactly possible or feasible at the moment. All of my needs are aspects that can be taken care of (that must be taken care of) by myself. I am solely responsible for my own needs. I can't depend on or trust anyone else to take care of them for me, since most of them live within me. My wants are a little different. I want to be able to share experiences with others. I want to be able to move forward in a career that feels better suited to me. I want to have my own place, where I am free to spend time alone, or with friends, without feeling like I'm on edge. I want to feel safe.

Again, most of these wants are entirely dependent on me, but I also acknowledge that I don't want to be on the road of self discovery and mindfulness alone all the time either. I am not a completely solitary person by nature, and I think wanting companionship on occasion is not a weakness or a fault. I like spending time with people. Spending physical time together doesn't always work out, as some of my closest friends are spread from one side of this continent to the other. For my local friends there are scheduling conflicts and life just happens. I don't hold that against anyone or resent them for it. When friends have said "I hope you don't take my distance personally," I can say with confidence that I am actively mindful of it. I don't take it personally.

My therapist said something the other day that made me a little uncomfortable. She said that I should think about and figure out what the purpose is behind some of my closest relationships. While I appreciate where she was going with that statement, it seemed a daunting task to make a list of what each of my friends "bring to the table." She said it might be a good exercise as I continue to evaluate my needs and wants, and to better understand who I can reliably reach out to when I feel I need support along the journey. I told her it made me nervous, and when she asked why, I told her not all the lessons I have to learn from people are offered up front right off the bat. She said that I had a point, but that I should still take a look at my friendships and really think about who can offer what in forms of support. I have avoided this exercise in the past, mostly out of a fabricated fear that I have no one I can really depend on when I truly need it, and I'd rather stay in a bubble of ignorant bliss.

By shedding the layers of mental garbage and pulling away from the stories I have been telling myself all these years, I do realize that it's me who had been putting up the walls all along. The made up fears of distance and disinterest gave me a false sense of being under attack, of needing to prepare myself and brace myself for the blows I assumed were coming emotionally. I gathered bricks of assumption and started building, thinking I was protecting myself.

Bricks are heavy.

I did I guided meditation once for a friend many years ago. The theme was putting down stones. That the pebbles and stones and boulders of thoughts we continuously pick up in our minds are not ours to carry. They are to be acknowledged, looked at, examined closely even, but they are not to be clutched and carried. Set the stone down. Set it down.

Looking over my shoulder at the pile of bricks I've walked away from I feel a mix of emotion. Embarrassment for the time and energy I invested in creating them... and a little sense of pride for being able to recognize what they are, and for moving beyond them.