Cannon ball

"...we cannot see light except in what it touches... In the same way, the presence of God powerfully moves between us unseen, only visible in the brief moments we are lighted, in those enlivened moments we know as love... Our gentleness of heard allows us to see and be seen." Mark Nepo

"And as a thought arises, as they will, know that just because it comes to the surface doesn't mean that you have to follow it." -Tamara Levitt

Today's meditation was about breaking the cycle of obsessive thoughts. How to practice catching ourselves, and how to safely jump off the barreling train of obsessive thought. This might have come in handy a couple days ago when my thoughts were splattered all over the place, but as I was listening, I realized that I was still able to practice my mindfulness. Yes, I allowed myself to beat myself up, to obsess for a moment over negativity, to give in to being less than kind to myself... but I also caught myself along the way. Did I do a cannon ball into the pool of negative thinking? Yep. I sure did. But as soon as I hit the water I realized that this was not what I wanted, and dragged myself back out of the pool, sputtering, wet, and feeling incredibly sheepish.

"Well that was dumb..."

Yesterday I spent a portion of the day mistaking the notion that doing something dumb meant that I was dumb. Again, not exactly rational, but I was still drying out from being drenched in negativity. It took me a little while to shake away those last drops of thought. So I went for a walk by myself. I was freezing at the beginning. By the end I was peeling off layers and sweating. My mind did something similar. I thawed out the self loathing speeches and warmed up to the thought that I am human, I am doing the best I can, and I am not stupid. Yes, I have made mistakes, and over the course of the next several months (or, y'know, the rest of my life, however long that is) will likely make several more, but I am doing the best I can, and I continue to strive for growth - to do better. To be better.

I ordered a custom piece of jewelry yesterday. I've started wearing some of my bracelets again, each of which has a powerful message/affirmation on it. "Enjoy the Journey" is the most recent one gifted to me for my birthday. I also have a very dainty silver chain that has "Dreams become reality one choice at a time" stamped on it. These may seem trivial to some, but to me they are small, gentle reminders when I start to cave in on myself. Reminders of the journey. Reminders that my decisions, my choices, directly influence what I want. But I also wanted something to ground me into the current moment. Something to remind me that I am here, present, a witness to my own journey as well as to others. Something that was meaningful to me, that no one else really need understand.

I N G A

I'm Not Going Anywhere

This gently touches so many different areas of my life, for so many different reasons. I'm excited for it's arrival.

Today's angel card is Transformation.