Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Today is National Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Awareness Day. Even with a diagnosis in 2014, I never really looked any further beyond my own healing to seek out groups and parades or whatever. It's a pretty "hush hush" mental health disorder. I had thought about posting something publicly in the past on social media to raise awareness about it being more that just combat soldiers that experience it, but I also like to keep my private matters, well, private. I never added my voice to the #metoo movement as quite frankly, I didn't want to dig up painful memories that I have long made peace with. So many people were willing to share their stories and wear their traumatic experiences as a badge of honor... and sometimes it felt more like attention seeking, then a feeling of community and togetherness. So I kept quiet during that whole trend. It became evident that nearly every woman I knew had experienced sexual harassment or assault. It became understood that I didn't have to say "me too" because everyone already knew.

It's only recently that I have started to open up about EDS on social media, and that was a half-hearted attempt at best. May was EDS awareness month and the EDS foundation published some informational posts and I just shared a couple.

I feel torn about saying anything at all about PTSD out there in the "real world" (ha) of social media. I'd like to raise awareness, but I'd also like to avoid the judgement of attention seeking too. So maybe I'll just share something vague and leave it at that. Get the word out, without it being my words and my experience with it... Or something like that. I dunno... We'll see.

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Yesterday I experienced something completely new. Something I was not prepared for.

I got angry. REALLY angry. Like red face, hot tears, swearing, voice raising on the verge of yelling kind of angry. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten that mad before, but very, very rarely in the presence of another person. I usually reserve those moments of outburst and release for in the shower, or alone in my car. The only other time I can actively recall getting even remotely close to how angry I was yesterday, around another person, was enough that they hid.

This person didn't hide. They didn't tell me to calm down. They didn't try to jump in with a hug or shush me with soothing words. They were present, but they didn't interfere with my moment of struggle. They witnessed my anger, and didn't judge it. They gave me exactly what I needed in that moment, and holy shit I am so grateful! I am so grateful to have a friendship that is a safe space - for me to feel comfortable enough to actually let out some of those big, scary feelings as they pop up, rather that stuff them down inside for "another time" to be dealt with. They may not realize it but my expression of anger could be taken as a compliment!

My anger was kicked off by my spouse. I have a running list of documentation of things that are completely financially irresponsible on his part, and yesterday's occurrence is right up there near the top. 6 lovely (p)leather chairs showed up at the door. He spent $200 on 6 chairs for his gamer buddies to sit on for Friday Night roll playing. $200 that HE DOESN'T HAVE.  He asked me this past weekend to borrow $40 until Friday as he didn't have money for gas. If you don't have money for gas, how do you have money for chairs? But my bigger issue is this...

How do you justify putting your gamer buddies comfort over that of your own children? The kids are expected to sit on the nasty pee couch that he is somehow comfortable sleeping on... yet his friends get nice comfy chairs to sit on? He can miss paying the electric bill, yet his buddies have nice new chairs, and I'm sure he picked up his comic bin this month too...

Did I splurge and buy myself a piece of jewelry this month? Yes I did. $35. Are any of my bills going unpaid because of it? NO! Do my children question my loyalty to them because of it? NO!

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I'm helping my mom clean out the back bedroom for the kids. She's going to clear out the other back bedroom of her clothes and stuff as well so my kids can have separate rooms. I am so grateful that my babies will have a safe, clean place to sleep while they are with me.