"Shine"

(Transcription of The Daily Calm 6/20/2018 - Tamara Levitt)

Today I'd like to talk about moving toward the truth of who we are. Often the world around us makes it difficult to be that person we know we are deep down. That person we get to know in moments of quiet and solitude. As we learn who we are and seek to become that person, we sometimes face obstacles. There's often pressure from our family or community or society. Pressure that limits our choices of how to act, who to date, how to express ourselves, what profession to pursue. So how can our mindfulness practice bring us closer to who we are? Well, the journey is personal. We must first discover what inside us wants to be free. So lets take a moment to go deeper than the noise of the should's and the should not's and listen within. As yourself, "what parts of myself do I hide from the world? Where am I nervous to be myself? How do I dull my life?" Take a moment to pause with these questions.
When sitting with this introspection, emotions can arise. Like fear of embarrassment, rejection, or failure. What we need to understand is that these are the parts of ourselves that need the most love, acceptance, and compassion. Just for a moment, try turning towards yourself and offer some loving kindness now.
And as one last step, try to imagine what it would feel like to allow yourself to be free. Allowing yourself to shine. Celebrating all of you. And take a moment now to notice how that feels.
This exercise may have been difficult. My wish for you is that you can find people, spaces, and community where you can be a little more you and experience the joy of who you are. And as we allow ourselves to sparkle, we gently give others permission to do the same. To quote Ellen Page, "When we're growing up there are all sorts of people telling us what to do, when really, what we need is space to work out who to be." Mindfulness gives us this space to explore, discover, and simply be ourselves. So today, I invite you to settle into yourself and celebrate every part of yourself - every beam of who you are. Total. Luminous. 

Some days are better than others in my mindfulness practice. Taking a step forward, feeling defeated as I take a step back. Pushing through, and continuing to take those steps forward.

Recently there have been a few steps back. I debated not mentioning my pitfalls here, but quickly realized that it wouldn't be an honest representation of my process if I didn't open up about both sides of the coin. So with embarrassment, I admit my weaknesses. Over the weekend I did a little internet stalking of my ex boyfriend. I'm not really sure why I did it. Perhaps it was because it was Father's Day and I noticed that neither of his children acknowledged him on social media (they acknowledged their mother for Mothers Day, and had said something publicly in years past, but this year was different). A very mean spirited part of me delighted a little in the thought that his own children have realized what a manipulative, hateful individual he is too. I caught myself.

Why would I wish that on someone, even for a moment? To be cut off and ostracized from their family? I said a prayer. I asked for forgiveness. I prayed that he would forgive me for being so petty and hateful. I prayed for the strength to forgive myself for being mean, and for even giving him any thought at all.

I tried to push that thought away and stalked his new girlfriend instead. I want to be happy for him. She's older, probably the same age as his second wife. Has grown children. Seems to have a lovely home and career. Definitely a more appropriate match, situation-wise anyways. I looked at her pictures and was a little surprised by the physical similarities that this woman has to his second wife. Things he claimed to despise (excessive makeup, expensive jewelry, quaffed hair). I started to get uncomfortable. Is this why I was constantly punished? Because I didn't fit into this mold of what he really wanted?? And is this the look my mother has been trying to push on me? A "trying too hard to look like something other that I am" middle aged woman? I caught myself again.

This is not who I want to be. I do not want to need outside validation that I am "enough." Pretty enough. Smart enough. Kind enough. Strong enough. I do not want to NEED reassurances that I'm attractive or important. That my thoughts and opinions have value or merit.

So I stopped. I stopped looking. Stopped digging. Stopped torturing myself with some weird notion that even though I am exactly where I need to be in this moment, it isn't enough. That somehow I'm not enough.

It's a nasty cycle. One I am ashamed I still get sucked into on occasion. But it's also one that I am recognizing more and more easily. Recognizing, acknowledging, and CHANGING. Rather than let myself get completely sucked away by panic, I stopped and asked myself why I care. Why did I let myself get caught up in a physical comparison game between myself and a picture of a woman I know absolutely nothing about? Why did I let my mother's comments about my appearance suck me into a state of total self consciousness?

So today I'm setting back down all those bricks I had picked up over the weekend. Shaking it off and taking a deep breath. I don't have to go down that road with myself anymore.

I let it go.