Unbroken

Relax your attention. Notice how you feel. We notice in practice how judgmental we are of ourselves. How there's this expectation that we should carry out a perfect practice, the perfect posture, and perfect concentration. Many of us carry a sense that we aren't whole, unless we're perfect. So we always have to fix ourselves in some way. What many of us don't realize, is that as long as we view ourselves as needing to be fixed, the message we're actually sending to ourselves is that we're broken. It's likely that if you look deep and hard, you can identify with this. But there's something if you could just get over, or be more or less of, it would fix you. Perhaps you're addicted to healing yourself. Holding the idea that if you're fully healed, sooner or later you would be complete. If this is our belief, we're missing an important truth: That we're actually good enough as we are, right now. What a difficult to swallow revelation. Acceptance is the key to letting go of the idea that we always need to fix ourselves. To accept is to understand ourselves, and to get curious in a friendly way about the why of our actions. And of course, to always offer ourselves kindness. This is the place from which change occurs, not criticism. So be gentle with yourself. You are not broken. You don't need to be fixed. You are whole. You're complete exactly as you are. See if you can feel that, right now. As Jeff Foster said, "True healing is not a fixing of the broken, but a rediscovery of the unbroken." 

Tamara Levit - Daily Calm

Then scrolling through my IG feed, I came across this too: "Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You're important. You're loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not."

My angel card was Kindness. 

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I'm not really sure how to feel in this moment. I'm feeling pretty conflicted. On the one hand, I'm absolutely terrified that I jumped the gun, wanting to work things out with my ex. That it isn't at all what he really needs or wants. On the other, I'm beyond excited at what the future and the possibilities hold, regardless of circumstance. I know where I want to be. 

I just have some hurdles to cross before I get there. 

I've decided to file again without legal representation. I can't afford a lawyer on my own, and I simply can't afford to wait any longer. I have waited the 180 days that was recommended during the interview process of finding a lawyer. I want out and I want to get it started. His parents will lawyer him up and that is fine. Other than time with the kids, he has nothing that I want. I don't want the rental house, I don't want his comics or collections or any of his shit. 

I'm getting out. I have to. I can't move on with this cinder block around my neck holding me underwater.