A Different Direction

I had written out a long rant. I wrote it all out, got every hurt feeling, every example of untruths (there were plenty), every notion of my internal conflict (truly wishing people happiness vs my disgust with their behavior) then promptly deleted it.

Who cares? The people I wrote about don't care, so why should I? I let it go instead.

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It has been a hard week. Dealing with the work situation, trying to figure out what my next move will be... It's been exceptionally quiet. People I once turned to for support or just to listen while I figured shit out for myself haven't been present. Even when I have found time and space to talk, I realized that they weren't even really listening on more than one occasion. I have been feeling completely disconnected and quite frankly, alone.

So I have been reaching out in different ways and different directions to build new connections, and to strengthen my existing relationships. I've decided to build myself a community of people I love and trust. I've spent more time with my mother, talking with her candidly about the work situation, what my budget is, what I need to make to survive at a bare minimum. I've shared this blog with a friend. I reached out to someone from my past with no intention of hearing back from them. Simply reaching out with May you be well, May you be loved, May you be joyful, May you be at peace...

But I did hear back. I have been spending the last couple days reconnecting and communicating in a healthy way. I am approaching this friendship with caution, but it has been a comfort to talk and listen, and for both of us to see, be seen, and acknowledge the ways we've both changed over time.

We talked about my INGA bracelet and all the background of me having it made. I admit that I almost had a second one made as a gift, and how now I'm exceptionally grateful that I didn't. The suggestion was made that we send a bracelet to each other. That we put our intentions/affirmations into a single word and send it to the other person. So we did. They should arrive next week. It wasn't hard for me to pick out a word to send, and they said they thought of something right away too. I think this will be an interesting practice in trust, as we don't know what the other person has chosen.

We shall see what shows up in my mailbox.