Transitions

What an incredibly transitory day. I don't even know where my head is at. It's like there isn't time between big changes for the dust to settle before another big change comes along.

My day started with tough love. To hear that someone I love and respect deeply is disappointed in me, in my decisions regarding support for myself was... hard. But I listened to what they had to say with an open heart, an open mind, and tried to keep my knee jerk reaction of feeling judged and immediately defensive in check. I simply listened. They made some very valid points. But ultimately who I choose to reach out to, or not reach out to, for whatever reason, is entirely up to me. So I've been thinking about what they had to say, and why I am so hesitant to reach out.

In this moment it boils down to fear. Fear of being rejected (again) by a particular person I once loved dearly for many, many years, simply because they don't have it in them to really be my friend. Fear of reaching out one more time, only to have the same pattern keep happening over and over. I give, then I get burned. I can't keep pushing people away, or I'll have no one left... But I also struggle with boundaries and I am no longer capable of settling for any less than I deserve. Deep down I want to reach out to this person, but I'm also really afraid to do so.

So I took in the tough love and I've been mulling it over all day. I know that my friend is nervous for me, afraid that I will regress back into my old ways of shutting people off and breaking down communication. And here I thought I was doing pretty good at keeping up with the lessons I had learned! Being very clear with my wants and needs at work. Also being clear with my communications among the people I have chosen to reach out to. I know very well that they are looking out for my best interest, and I don't take what they had to say lightly, or simply blow it off. I just want to pursue it when I feel comfortable to do so. But sometimes things just happen, whether you're comfortable or not.

Take my day at work today, for instance.

HR and the Director of Operations showed up at my clinic today. They are closing it's doors. I will have to cancel all the appointments, transition clients, and have the patient charts all backed up by the end of the day Friday. How's that for a transition, whether I want it or not? They are letting the Therapist go, the assistant has the option to transfer to another location, and they have told me that I will be 100% float, with no known "home base" as of yet. So every single day I could be at a different location. They aren't just shutting down my location... they closed 5 other clinics as well. I again pitched my idea to be the HR Generalist to HR, and he said he would seriously consider it. I need a meeting with him tomorrow to come up with a game plan of how exactly they will be shutting down the offices, who will be responsible for what, and what comes next.

All the while I will continue my job search.

What an emotionally difficult day...

But I'm not feeling broken by it. If anything, this new position relying on me so heavily to complete the uncomfortable task at hand, I realize that I have incredible value. And I also am not hurt or angry by the disappointment expressed in me this morning. The intention was good, and I have been the recipient of tough love before. 

It was a difficult day, but not a bad one.

And who knows what tomorrow will look like!