Pouring More of My Heart Out

I've started playing in the arts again. A couple weeks ago I carved a fat pony out of a bar of soap. An exercise with my son to check off requirements for upgrading his cub scout status. But I sat down and carved out a pony and it felt so familiar, so comfortable, and so missed. I carved my little dude and was pleased with the outcome. It's simple, the lines and impressions are there, and my first love came to the surface.

I now have the little soap pony with a plaster sculpture I made in college I had named "fat ponies." That sculpture was the pride of my entire college career. The professor told me I couldn't do it, that it was too difficult. I proved him wrong and carved 3 fat ponies into that solid plaster block. I got an A, a little pride, and a whole lot of determination to prove peoples assumptions of my capabilities wrong.

That same determination was key during the long trek of maneuvering my way towards a diagnosis of, and life with, EDS. When once I was told I might make it to 50, I'm determined to prove them wrong. They said my quality of life would only diminish over time. The quality of my life is only improving, even as my body fails me. They cannot determine what my definition of "quality" is for my own life.

This determination wells up in me, even now, to be the best version of myself, for myself. And so in this determination, I turn back to where my love lies, in Art.

I have made a few new paintings as well. The freedom of release and letting go of control is exactly what I need right now. It's the creative process that I enjoy, not necessarily the finished product. I've started recycling canvases. Pouring new over the old. Creating layers of release.

I prayed the Hail Mary over my pour today. I prayed for the forgiveness of sins. My sins towards others, but more importantly, the forgiveness of sins towards myself. I prayed for peace and light and love for others. I prayed for serenity and a clear heart and mind for me. As I pushed my intentions out into the world, I poured paint on canvas. I put my fingers in it, playing in it. I got paint all over me! I pushed and pulled paint with my fingertips, then swiped most of the paint away. The patters immediately burst forth, flashes of color. Scraping away the excess is the catalyst of transformation... to create something new and incredible pulled up from what lays below the surface.

Just like me.