Reflection

July 4th: Daily Calm
Now, let's begin our loving kindness practice by directing loving kindness to ourselves. It's only when we can cultivate loving kindness towards ourselves that we can then extend it to others. To start, place your attention on the area of your heart and see if you can generate feelings of warmth and friendliness towards yourself. If it helps, you can place your hand on your heart to infuse your body with loving kindness. Turning towards yourself in a gentle, compassionate way, allowing warm feelings to flood through your body... love and acceptance. Kindness and compassion.
Now, as you direct loving kindness towards your self, repeat the following phrases in your mind: May I be well. May I be loved. May I be joyful. May I be at peace. Each time you recite the words offer them all your attention, savoring the meaning of each word. May I be well. May I be loved. May I be joyful. May I be at peace.
Now, lets direct loving kindness towards the people in our lives, past and present, who have loved us, supported us, nurtured us, and believed in us. Take a moment to scan back across the years, reflecting on family members, partners, lovers, teachers, neighbors, coaches, peers, mentors, employers, teammates, colleagues, and friends who have inspired you on your path and helped you along the way. Reflect on those who showed you patience, made you laugh, offered you time or gave knowledge. Remember those who saw your potential, protected you from harm, and helped you see the goodness in yourself. With these people who supported you in mind, repeat each phrase softly and silently. May you be well. May you be loved. May you be joyful. May you be at peace.
Last, we'll extend loving kindness to all human beings. You can picture individuals or groups in the world in need. People who are suffering in your very own community and around the world. Extend affection without boundaries or limits, spreading loving kindness in all directions. May you be well. May you be loved. May you be joyful. May you be at peace. Now just notice how it feels to open the heart. How it feels to generate loving kindness with yourself and others.
Sometimes, people come into our lives and make a contribution. By practicing loving kindness towards them, we can honor them and keep them close to our heart. As Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you'll discover that for you the world is transformed." 

Well fuck, that one made me cry.

I have let go of my anger. I just can't be mad. I don't have it in me. The gifts and contributions made to this leg of my journey, the support I needed and felt, far far outweighs my momentary sadness that it's over. I was seen, as is, and I have to let go that me, as is, is not what they wanted. That they chose the potential of another over the potential in me. But it was there. They saw my potential. They saw my potential, they protected me from harm (quite literally), and helped me see the goodness in myself. I have to let go that the goodness they see in someone else is "better" than my own. "There's no factual component to it. No one-to-one comparison." 

Trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I didn't do right, is only torturing myself. Clawing myself from the inside out.

I went for a walk yesterday. 3 miles. As I walked in the 90+ degree heat I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the sun burning my skin. I didn't feel the heat dehydrating me. I also didn't feel it as I scratched my arms, itching away sweat in long strokes... but when I looked down they were bloodied. I had literally clawed my forearms to the point of bleeding and I didn't feel it. I walked in my parents empty house and just started stripping my clothes. But I stripped other parts of me too. My sadness. My fear of never being enough. I stripped away the layers and peeled back a corner of the pool cover and just sat. I sat in the cold water and just let it hold me. An icy embrace. I sat and I cried and I dipped my arms in the water. It stung. The chlorine in the water instantly tarnished my rings. Parts of them turned nearly black.

The first time my rings turned black, I panicked. I thought they were ruined forever and I had just wasted $1,800. But just because the surface has been overtaken by a dark patina doesn't mean they have lost their function, the value they have to my life. And I learned that over time, the patina wears off and they return to being shiny and silver again. It just takes time.

As I stared at my hands, not in a panic because I have experienced this many many times, I felt a sense of peace.

I have been here before. The darkness is temporary. The value and the worth in my heart is still there, underneath the patina of disappointment. In time, I will regain my shine.

May you be well. May you be loved. May you be joyful. May you be at peace.