Deactivate

I deactivated my Facebook account. Blacked out the cover and profile pictures, then deactivated it. I dont want to obsess about how shes thinner and prettier and "more" in his eyes than I could ever dream of being. I skimmed her page and got sick to my stomach with how active he was on all her posts. Especially recently. So I disabled my ability to see it. Blocked her, then just said fuck it and disabled the whole thing.

I was a phase I guess. A hesitant reach at something different, a trial run of his "new normal" after divorce. It was the same with Pat. I got to bare witness to some pretty powerful healing, and when he was ready for something more serious, he went looking for it elsewhere. This is no different. No different at all from where I stand.

"I'm not ruling anything out" is a phrase that will bother me for a long time. What a lie. I've been "ruled out." And lucky me, I get to lose someone I considered a best friend in the process. I dont have communities to fall back on here. I dont have "other options" in the wings waiting to soothe my bruised ego.

I dont want to lose my friend. I dont want to lose that connection and closeness to someone I respect so much, even tho I'm losing my mind over it in this moment. But I dont know if that's even possible. And it feels exceptionally gross to feel like I have to beg someone to like me. To beg someone not to cut me off. To beg someone to be my friend.

I am incredibly hurt. But now I feel more alone than ever before.

I considered deactivating my blog.

I still may.

Is this where I'm supposed to have a clean break from everything? Am I expected to just get over it after one sleepless night? Just sever off my leg and contemplate it thoughtfully, a gentle smile on my face, blissfully zen while I hemorrhage and bleed out on the floor?

What was the lesson here? What am I supposed to learn in this moment? Let go of everything not meant for me?? Okay, but then what? I give away pieces of myself as I go, giving them away without hesitation. Trusting people and accepting them for who they are. But what about me? When is it my turn to be "first choice?" To be seen with the nervous excitement of potential?

I dont want to open up again to anyone. I dont want to trust blindly, to put all my cards on the table, completely exposed, just to have yet another goddamn person give me the once over and shrug "meh. I can do better."

Great.

"I'm not ruling anything out... except for you."

Fuck that hurts.

So now I'm surrounded by books and little things that he gave me. He was unloading his self proclaimed burdens on me, to make space for something new.

I am such a fool.

I can't sleep. How the fuck am I supposed to function?

He's fine. Undoubtedly sleeping away blissfully, his mind already focused on the potential new day and new beginnings stretched out in front of him. Hes getting everything he wants.

But I get it. I dont want to be with me anymore either.

Deactivate.