Unbroken

Relax your attention. Notice how you feel. We notice in practice how judgmental we are of ourselves. How there's this expectation that we should carry out a perfect practice, the perfect posture, and perfect concentration. Many of us carry a sense that we aren't whole, unless we're perfect. So we always have to fix ourselves in some way. What many of us don't realize, is that as long as we view ourselves as needing to be fixed, the message we're actually sending to ourselves is that we're broken. It's likely that if you look deep and hard, you can identify with this. But there's something if you could just get over, or be more or less of, it would fix you. Perhaps you're addicted to healing yourself. Holding the idea that if you're fully healed, sooner or later you would be complete. If this is our belief, we're missing an important truth: That we're actually good enough as we are, right now. What a difficult to swallow revelation. Acceptance is the key to letting go of the idea that we always need to fix ourselves. To accept is to understand ourselves, and to get curious in a friendly way about the why of our actions. And of course, to always offer ourselves kindness. This is the place from which change occurs, not criticism. So be gentle with yourself. You are not broken. You don't need to be fixed. You are whole. You're complete exactly as you are. See if you can feel that, right now. As Jeff Foster said, "True healing is not a fixing of the broken, but a rediscovery of the unbroken." 

Tamara Levit - Daily Calm

Then scrolling through my IG feed, I came across this too: "Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You're important. You're loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not."

My angel card was Kindness. 

-------

I'm not really sure how to feel in this moment. I'm feeling pretty conflicted. On the one hand, I'm absolutely terrified that I jumped the gun, wanting to work things out with my ex. That it isn't at all what he really needs or wants. On the other, I'm beyond excited at what the future and the possibilities hold, regardless of circumstance. I know where I want to be. 

I just have some hurdles to cross before I get there. 

I've decided to file again without legal representation. I can't afford a lawyer on my own, and I simply can't afford to wait any longer. I have waited the 180 days that was recommended during the interview process of finding a lawyer. I want out and I want to get it started. His parents will lawyer him up and that is fine. Other than time with the kids, he has nothing that I want. I don't want the rental house, I don't want his comics or collections or any of his shit. 

I'm getting out. I have to. I can't move on with this cinder block around my neck holding me underwater. 

Spoke Too Soon?

Looking into rekindling a relationship may have been too forward. Getting ahead of myself. Hes asked for some time to process everything that happened this weekend, and I've granted it to him.

Now, if he resurfaces in a couple days and says he can't handle it, can't handle ME, then I'll thank him for some lovely conversation over the last month and wish him well. I wont be happy about it, but I wont think ill of him either.

That doesn't change my mind.

I'm going home.

Minnesota is my home, and one way or another, I'll be back within her borders.

A New Start

Over the course of the last 32 days, I've been engaged in increasing communication with someone from my past. We've talked about why it didn't work out, why it couldn't have worked out, and what has changed in our lives because of our shared past and how we parted ways. 

It was messy. I've grown from the experience, as have they. 

But we both agreed we didn't feel like it should have ended the way it did (or at all) but there was no way of sustaining it the way it was going. We also agree that the relationship ending when it did was exactly what we both needed at the time. I had to return to MI and log my 180 days in this county before re-filing for divorce. They needed to lose me in order to face their alcoholism and really dedicate themselves to getting some help, to begin their recovery. 

We've both been in therapy. We both attempted to see other people. We both have been pretty fucking miserable. 

Plain and simple, I miss him. I miss the little home and life we had built together. I miss Minnesota in a way I never thought I would. I came back to Michigan because I had to. Mostly for the right reasons, but also for some really wrong reasons that quickly backfired on me. I have felt like an outsider ever since I moved back in with my parents. I've been homesick this whole time, and I wasn't willing to admit it. My sleep has been off, my eating has been off, my exercise took a back seat... I've been completely depressed and unwilling to admit why. 

I want to go home. 

So I did something crazy. I went to Chicago this weekend to hang out. I went to Chicago and had an amazing time. I ate. I slept like the dead. I walked over 16,000 steps in one day. I went on a bus tour of the city's architecture. I walked in the gardens and parks. I walked the entire length of Navy Pier. I ate a Chicago hot dog on the street and got completely burned by the sun. I let myself be fully present in the experience, and I haven't laughed and smiled so much in a really long time. 

I felt alive. I felt (feel) like my life is starting over... but in the best possible way. 

Then I did something even crazier. As I was driving back to Detroit, I was passing by the college I attended. I haven't been back since I dropped out. I took the exit. I drove around campus. I was amazed at how different everything was, and yet, it was exactly the same. It was familiar, yet new. Then I took a deliberate turn and went down to the fraternity village. I have not been there since the rape. I pulled up in front of the house and called my college roommate, whom I am still good friends with. As we talked, I stared down the house. Then I made my peace and got back into my car. Its a different greek affiliation in the house now, but it still stands. I recognized the porch immediately. I thought about knocking on the door, but there were no cars out front. No one was home. But I stood outside of that house and took inventory of how I was feeling. 

I felt alive. I felt strong. I felt proud. 

And the biggest thing? I didn't feel afraid. I wasn't nervous or scared or ashamed. I was there. I'm still here. After everything... I'm still here. 

And I'm not going anywhere. 

Well, with one exception. Eventually... 

I'm going home. 

The past couple days...

The past couple days have been... hard. Its been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I'm trying to be present for others as they struggle, yet I'm also dealing with my own issues.

I heavily debated telling someone who is no longer a part of my life some news, but I realised that them being aware (or not) of the situation really didnt matter. What would be the point in reaching out or sharing? They are no longer a source of comfort or support or... well... anything. I decided against it instead. I let it go and I'll figure it out.

Work is an absolute disaster. I'm completely overwhelmed by anxiety, both my own and the projected anxiety of others as this company collapses in on itself. I'm actively looking for an out.

I've been struggling with headaches lately too, and I just feel run down and sick. Yay stress!

I'm ready to start breathing again. But just for this small moment, I acknowledge how I'm feeling right now:

Believe

Believe.

Believe is the word that showed up in my mailbox. It's perfect. I DO believe.

I believe in God, the Father almighty,

creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,

who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,

born of the Virgin Mary,

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died, and was buried;

he descended to the dead.

On the third day he rose again;

he ascended into heaven,

and is seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy catholic Church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting.

Amen.

I believe that I deserve incredible things in my life. I believe my mantra of May you be well, may you be loved, may you be joyful, may you be at peace. I believe that all of those belong within my spirit, as well as with those around me. 

----

The job situation has changed yet again. On Thursday I went to the office nearest my house and spent the day cleaning up a little billing. There's a lot to do yet, but the billing director informed me that i released 10k in outstanding invoices. 10k in one day... 

On Friday I locked up my clinic. Then the Dir of Ops asks if I would transfer to the other location i released billing for permanently. No more floating. I accepted as long as my wage remained the same. 

I feel like everything is still in such a state of flux... 

But I took care of something tonight that needed to be done, for my mental health. My nightmares of being out of place, of not belonging when certain circumstances come to pass, have been laid to rest. It is no longer a concern or fear. It does not affect me any longer. I don't need to be on the list. 

New changes each and every day. Everything is transitory. 

I believe I can make it through, and I have faith in my ability to not harden my heart. To stay soft and warm regardless of circumstance. I believe in Love first, always.

The Choice is Yours

From O.H. Pye Funeral Home daily email:

Today you have a choice. You can think about the past and mourn your losses. Or you can embrace the future and live in hope. The choice should be easy – living in the past paralyzes the present and bankrupts the future. So what’s it going to be? 

There’s a book you may be interested in reading: The Power of Now: a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle. 

Ekhart Tolle's message is simple: living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment. And while this message may not seem stunningly original or fresh, Tolle's clear writing, supportive voice, and enthusiasm make this an excellent manual for anyone who's ever wondered what exactly "living in the now" means. Tolle is a world-class teacher, able to explain complicated concepts in concrete language. You’ll become more conscious of how thoughts and emotions get in the way of your ability to live in genuine peace and happiness. 

Embrace this moment; don’t dwell in the past. Take just a few minutes today to release the past altogether, only being grateful for the joys you shared with your loved one. 

Quotation for the Day 

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

I'm having such a challenging week. I'm still so furious that D would use the kids against me and lie about it. My work situation also seems pretty bleak. The head of Billing admitted that she suspects the company will go under by September 30th. That's 2 months away!

In this moment, I feel like I can't do anything right. This job is an utter disaster. My best friend is disappointed in me. I just feel... off. I'm choosing not to dwell too far in the past... I just need a break.

Transitions

What an incredibly transitory day. I don't even know where my head is at. It's like there isn't time between big changes for the dust to settle before another big change comes along.

My day started with tough love. To hear that someone I love and respect deeply is disappointed in me, in my decisions regarding support for myself was... hard. But I listened to what they had to say with an open heart, an open mind, and tried to keep my knee jerk reaction of feeling judged and immediately defensive in check. I simply listened. They made some very valid points. But ultimately who I choose to reach out to, or not reach out to, for whatever reason, is entirely up to me. So I've been thinking about what they had to say, and why I am so hesitant to reach out.

In this moment it boils down to fear. Fear of being rejected (again) by a particular person I once loved dearly for many, many years, simply because they don't have it in them to really be my friend. Fear of reaching out one more time, only to have the same pattern keep happening over and over. I give, then I get burned. I can't keep pushing people away, or I'll have no one left... But I also struggle with boundaries and I am no longer capable of settling for any less than I deserve. Deep down I want to reach out to this person, but I'm also really afraid to do so.

So I took in the tough love and I've been mulling it over all day. I know that my friend is nervous for me, afraid that I will regress back into my old ways of shutting people off and breaking down communication. And here I thought I was doing pretty good at keeping up with the lessons I had learned! Being very clear with my wants and needs at work. Also being clear with my communications among the people I have chosen to reach out to. I know very well that they are looking out for my best interest, and I don't take what they had to say lightly, or simply blow it off. I just want to pursue it when I feel comfortable to do so. But sometimes things just happen, whether you're comfortable or not.

Take my day at work today, for instance.

HR and the Director of Operations showed up at my clinic today. They are closing it's doors. I will have to cancel all the appointments, transition clients, and have the patient charts all backed up by the end of the day Friday. How's that for a transition, whether I want it or not? They are letting the Therapist go, the assistant has the option to transfer to another location, and they have told me that I will be 100% float, with no known "home base" as of yet. So every single day I could be at a different location. They aren't just shutting down my location... they closed 5 other clinics as well. I again pitched my idea to be the HR Generalist to HR, and he said he would seriously consider it. I need a meeting with him tomorrow to come up with a game plan of how exactly they will be shutting down the offices, who will be responsible for what, and what comes next.

All the while I will continue my job search.

What an emotionally difficult day...

But I'm not feeling broken by it. If anything, this new position relying on me so heavily to complete the uncomfortable task at hand, I realize that I have incredible value. And I also am not hurt or angry by the disappointment expressed in me this morning. The intention was good, and I have been the recipient of tough love before. 

It was a difficult day, but not a bad one.

And who knows what tomorrow will look like!

Taking Care

I've spent a significant amount of time this year focusing on my mental health. My daily ritual of readings, meditations, angel cards, and also weekly affirmations and prayer intentions. I have spent quite a bit of money on therapy as well, every penny worth it. But I need to focus on more than just my mental health. I need physical health too.

My body hurts. Pretty much constantly. I try to avoid pain medication at all costs for the slippery slope that is pain management in EDS patients. I'm in a fibro flare, so all if my muscles and connective tissues burn and ache.

"Why dont you go get a massage? I hear those are great for fibromyalgia."

Seems like a delightful idea but the issue is twofold. First, too much pressure can be disastrous for someone with EDS. A massage therapist can quite literally wreck a person with EDS. The second issue is trust. As a former massage therapist myself, I wont let anyone touch me in a therapeutic capacity unless I am confident that they know their shit. I'm trusting that person not to fuck up my body, so they better be as knowledgeable or more so than I was.

I was an incredible therapist, so I'm definitely a snob.

So rather than shell out money I dont have for therapies that will only cause me anxiety in the moment they are administered, I've refocused on diet and exercise. I've switched back to my anti-inflammatory diet and I'm recommitted to getting my body moving. I've been taking walks on my lunch breaks. I pedal away on my parents elliptical at night when I can't sleep, or early in the morning before the sun comes up. I've been taking alfalfa supplements and just added a daily dose of ACV to the mix. My plant based (gf, vegan) protein powder arrived last night and I'm currently sipping on a breakfast smoothie (protein powder, coffee, a banana, a little oat milk for creaminess, and a shit ton of ice).

Darker days are coming quickly, and I have to not only be ready mentally, but physically as well.

The idea of divorce has FINALLY started to enter Ds head, but not in a functional way. He told me not too long ago that when I was late to pick up kids one morning, G got worried and begged him not to divorce me. He said he comforted her and told her he would never do that.

I asked her about it last night. "Um, no? Why would I even ask him something like that?"

I trust her. She has no reason to lie to me. He is scrambling and trying to present himself as merciful and forgiving, willing to "not divorce me" for the sake of the children's well being. Right. Only... it was a complete lie. He was attempting to use the kids, and guilt, against me to get what he wants.

Darker days ahead indeed.

Grace Defined

Another Little Experiment Update

Remember my little experiment? The seed that took weeks to germinate before shooting out roots, then another couple weeks before sending up leaves? Well, he has continued to grow. So much so that I had to repot him. He had simply outgrown the pot he was in and needed something bigger to continue growing. It wasnt the little pots fault. The little pot didnt do anything wrong. Conversely, she did exactly everything right! Holding space for that little seed to get comfortable, to learn it was safe to trust, and to follow its path of growth. It was just time for more room.

Hmm...

A Different Direction

I had written out a long rant. I wrote it all out, got every hurt feeling, every example of untruths (there were plenty), every notion of my internal conflict (truly wishing people happiness vs my disgust with their behavior) then promptly deleted it.

Who cares? The people I wrote about don't care, so why should I? I let it go instead.

-----------

It has been a hard week. Dealing with the work situation, trying to figure out what my next move will be... It's been exceptionally quiet. People I once turned to for support or just to listen while I figured shit out for myself haven't been present. Even when I have found time and space to talk, I realized that they weren't even really listening on more than one occasion. I have been feeling completely disconnected and quite frankly, alone.

So I have been reaching out in different ways and different directions to build new connections, and to strengthen my existing relationships. I've decided to build myself a community of people I love and trust. I've spent more time with my mother, talking with her candidly about the work situation, what my budget is, what I need to make to survive at a bare minimum. I've shared this blog with a friend. I reached out to someone from my past with no intention of hearing back from them. Simply reaching out with May you be well, May you be loved, May you be joyful, May you be at peace...

But I did hear back. I have been spending the last couple days reconnecting and communicating in a healthy way. I am approaching this friendship with caution, but it has been a comfort to talk and listen, and for both of us to see, be seen, and acknowledge the ways we've both changed over time.

We talked about my INGA bracelet and all the background of me having it made. I admit that I almost had a second one made as a gift, and how now I'm exceptionally grateful that I didn't. The suggestion was made that we send a bracelet to each other. That we put our intentions/affirmations into a single word and send it to the other person. So we did. They should arrive next week. It wasn't hard for me to pick out a word to send, and they said they thought of something right away too. I think this will be an interesting practice in trust, as we don't know what the other person has chosen.

We shall see what shows up in my mailbox.

Bait and Switch

Don't you just love it when you start something new, and the intentions and expectations are all laid out and you mull over whether to accept them, then when you do, they are switched out for something else? Bait and Switch. A familiar theme, apparently.

Today I was informed that my position was no longer working at one clinic M-W-F and floating the other 2 days, but full time float and I could be at a different clinic everyday. Zero stability. Everything up in the air. Not knowing where I'll be from one day to the next.

I have had quite enough of that, thankyouverymuch, so I was furious.

I went straight to HR, told him I was angry and felt betrayed and lied to. The conversation lasted a solid 25 minutes. He asked what I wanted my dream job to look like within the company. "I want to work the position I was promised M-W-F, then work here Tu and Th as your part time HR generalist... Cuz let's be real, it's obvious you need some help around here..." He was taken aback, but said he would think about it. I told him we needed a game plan, one that doesn't involve me getting screwed. He said we would talk more Thursday.

I vented to my mother about the situation. When I was done telling her everything, she said she was impressed. She acknowledged how far I've come and she was proud of me for sticking up for myself immediately and not simply backing down and accepting a shitty situation just because I'm told I have no other choice. I DO have a choice. I ALWAYS have a choice. She said I was in a metamorphosis. I laughed and told her I was going to emerge a raging butterfly. She laughed at that thought and shook her head. "I think not... You're going to come out a yellow jacket, stab some people, and go about your business - not taking any bullshit at all."

I'm due for something to be easy. For something to make it's way into my life that doesn't feel like a fight, like a struggle. Something that I don't have to claw my way through. I'll get there, but in the short term I've trying not to be bitter. I'm just so tired.

On the plus side, I'm down 10 lbs from last Monday.

I used my parent's elliptical last night and this morning when I couldn't sleep. I walked for my lunch break outside today too. Sleep will find me again eventually, and I just need to burn off this access stress and unease.

We'll see what tomorrow holds.

Enough

Little Starfish

My meditation today revolved around a story:

An old man was walking down the beach the morning after a particularity violent storm and to his shock, the beach was  covered in thousands of starfish, washed ashore during the storm. He then saw a young woman, stooping down and picking up starfish, throwing them back into the water. The old man said "what are you doing?" The young woman responded, "I'm throwing them back. Once the sun reaches the midday point, it will kill them, so I'm throwing them back." The old man looked around them at the thousands of starfish on the beach. "But there are too many, and you are but one person. What difference will it make by throwing a few back?" The young woman smiled, picked up a starfish and threw it into the water. "It made a difference to that one." She threw another. "That one too."

Listening to the story, I realized that I have experienced or been each character recently. I have experienced the storm, been uprooted and tossed on shore by it. I have been the starfish, trapped and gasping, knowing the inevitable is coming. I have been the old man too, questioning the value and worth of my own good deeds when the outcome looks so bleak. And the young woman, tossing me nack into the waters, saying "this is not meant for you" and ultimately saving my life by throwing me away.

Rejection sucks, it really does. But I am now free. I can breathe easier, knowing the storm wasnt my fault. I didnt deserve to be flung on shore and left to die, but I also understand that storms just happen. And now, I have been released and set free, given another opportunity in a new day. This is a gift!

I am no longer a stranded starfish, waiting for someone to save me. I also refuse to be the storm in anyone else's life. Instead I choose to be the young woman, performing random acts of kindness and making small differences as I move into this new chapter. It feels foriegn. Some key support and players from the previous chapter will not be in this one. That is their choice, their right, and also ultimately, their loss.

But there is also opportunity in this new chapter. Potential for genuine connection, vulnerability, and maybe someday, Love. I am no longer pissed about being overlooked for the potential in another. I have made my peace while still acknowledging that it was shitty on their part. Offering forgiveness doesn't excuse the behavior. But it also doesn't have to control me either.

I've been given a wonderful gift in the form of new opportunity.

Thank you for throwing me back.

Pouring More of My Heart Out

I've started playing in the arts again. A couple weeks ago I carved a fat pony out of a bar of soap. An exercise with my son to check off requirements for upgrading his cub scout status. But I sat down and carved out a pony and it felt so familiar, so comfortable, and so missed. I carved my little dude and was pleased with the outcome. It's simple, the lines and impressions are there, and my first love came to the surface.

I now have the little soap pony with a plaster sculpture I made in college I had named "fat ponies." That sculpture was the pride of my entire college career. The professor told me I couldn't do it, that it was too difficult. I proved him wrong and carved 3 fat ponies into that solid plaster block. I got an A, a little pride, and a whole lot of determination to prove peoples assumptions of my capabilities wrong.

That same determination was key during the long trek of maneuvering my way towards a diagnosis of, and life with, EDS. When once I was told I might make it to 50, I'm determined to prove them wrong. They said my quality of life would only diminish over time. The quality of my life is only improving, even as my body fails me. They cannot determine what my definition of "quality" is for my own life.

This determination wells up in me, even now, to be the best version of myself, for myself. And so in this determination, I turn back to where my love lies, in Art.

I have made a few new paintings as well. The freedom of release and letting go of control is exactly what I need right now. It's the creative process that I enjoy, not necessarily the finished product. I've started recycling canvases. Pouring new over the old. Creating layers of release.

I prayed the Hail Mary over my pour today. I prayed for the forgiveness of sins. My sins towards others, but more importantly, the forgiveness of sins towards myself. I prayed for peace and light and love for others. I prayed for serenity and a clear heart and mind for me. As I pushed my intentions out into the world, I poured paint on canvas. I put my fingers in it, playing in it. I got paint all over me! I pushed and pulled paint with my fingertips, then swiped most of the paint away. The patters immediately burst forth, flashes of color. Scraping away the excess is the catalyst of transformation... to create something new and incredible pulled up from what lays below the surface.

Just like me.

Sold As Is

I have been struggling with my physical appearance lately, obviously. My comparisons to others in previous posts, picking myself apart until there is nothing left. A friend suggested taking some Snapchat pictures, to make myself feel better, but every picture I took felt fake. The filters change your shape and twist you into something other than yourself. I have another app I use for my photo editing called Prisma. The filters offered don't change the truth behind the photo, only add an "artistic touch." I took a photo tonight that I really like. I see myself as beautiful in this picture. Most of my face is obscured, but the eyes are the windows to the soul... and this picture lets the viewer look right into my soul, and Goddamn, it is beautiful! I have a beautiful heart and an incredible spirit within me that no one can touch, taint, or even dream of breaking. I am living my most authentic life, in this present moment.

I stopped by my parents cottage and went out on the water. The sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, the feel of the water at my fingertips... it was the medicine I had been needing. I focused on the breath and just... let go. I closed my eyes and leaned into the warmth and the breeze and just soaked it into my core. I took it in and was overcome by loving kindness towards myself. "I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order." - John Burroughs

I am true to my most authentic self. I am a work in progress, but I am enough exactly as I am. 

Sold as is. No refunds. No substitutions. 

I forgive myself for buying into the illusion that I am lacking in anyway.

I am enough. 

Come Out From Behind the Clouds

Like the moon,

Come out from behind the clouds!

And Shine!

-Buddha

Its been an exceptionally difficult week. One filled with extraordinary change and movement across nearly every facet of my life. Some pleasant, as I moved with the tides of the situation. Some significantly painful, as I resisted against it. I have taken a hard look at myself, at times with vehement cruelty, and I have gained certain valuable truths about myself. 

I am sensitive. I no longer view this as a weakness. My intuitive awareness of how others are feeling (and not feeling) is a gift, and one I have regularly been ignoring for my own selfish wants. I am making a dedicated effort to shut down my ego and invite the Holy Spirit to work through me. As I continue to heal my battered parts, others around me will also benefit from the mindfulness practice. As I focus loving kindness inward, it has no where else to go but ripple outward from me like an epicenter of awareness and love. 

I am capable of vulnerability. There was a long period of time that I was too afraid of opening up, of exposing some of my truths to others as I had a conditioned fear that letting down my guard meant eventually getting hurt. After recent events, a part of me wanted to revert back to that way of thinking. That locking myself up inside of myself was the only way to stay safe. But as I look at my life, it was in those moments of vulnerability that I was my most authentic self. I choose to live in authenticity. 

I have a big heart. My capabilities for expressing unconditional love has no limits, knows no boundaries, and doesn't accept anything less than offering loving kindness to everyone around me. Even in difficult times, my desire to love and accept others for who they are in that moment, far outweighs any notion of temporary anger or hurt. I have learned I am capable of expressing loving kindness, without expectation, and also without becoming a doormat. 

I am a work in progress. Much like Michelangelo saw the finished product within a slab of marble, there is an incredible force at work within me, and within my life. Chiseling away the access and the pieces not meant for me, smoothing out the rough block to reveal something truly remarkable inside, that was there all along. 

I am worthy. Someday everyone else is going to catch on, but until then, I know my value as a friend, a mother, a partner, a sister, a daughter, a lover, and an entirely special individual. I am worthy and I am deserving of Something Greater. 

I will detail additional truths another time. I have slept very little this past week, and now that I've created some art and released so much here, I feel it is time to put my aching body to rest. I am exhausted. 

Beyond the Yellow Brick Road

Mindful Remembrance and Gratitude

From a daily affirmation email series on grief, this was in my inbox this morning:

At this challenging time, it’s often very difficult to embrace ‘gratitude’: that state of utter thankfulness for being alive, in the entire splendor around us. If you can take just a few minutes to be grateful: for the time you spent with your loved one, for the richness of the relationship; even for the depth of the feelings you are experiencing.

Rise up from resting, and feel the quiet happiness that comes with gratitude.

If you’re ready, make a list of the blessings in your life; your friends, your family, your job, your house. Be specific. Examples could be “I love the warmth I feel through the windows and the light that shines into my kitchen in the morning.” “I am thankful for the fresh eggs I have to cook this morning for breakfast.””I am thankful for my friend, Joe, who always makes me laugh.”

Quotation for the Day

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. ~ Denis Waitley

I am struggling with grace. After another sleepless night, I decided to pray. I took out my rosary and began to pray. I didnt get through the whole thing, but the words soothed me and I was eventually able to sleep a little.

I realized that over the course of the last 6 months, I have learned a few lessons. I have learned to listen to my intuition. I've had bells and whistles going off inside me for months and I tried to write it off as simply anxiety or insecurity. As it turns out, those very fears I had were completely legitimate. That's not to say that I dont still have a lot of work to do. If anything, I have even more now, but I'm more inclined to trust my inner voice, to tap into the source of Something Greater, and actually listen.

I have also learned to accept what people say at face value. Going back through old communications via text and email, I realized that the words were there all along, wrapped in a warm blanket of potential. I can't pretend that I was lead on, even if my bruised ego would like to cling to that. It was very clear that I was never an option, not beyond his initial "I met someone" post, and subsequent "nope, not for me." His most recent declaration of his new found love was grossly familiar. Even down to the verbiage about his "what I want in a partner" list. The posts are so similar it made me sick to my stomach initially.

But I can't keep comparing myself to another. Am I still last to be picked to join the team? Yep. This seems to be my fate, but that is only a reflection of that person's inability to see me fully, not my inherent self worth.

I know that I am a good person. I know that I am worthy of Something Greater. 

Thoughts

Promises Made

In the course of a few days, I have had multiple people imply that they are worried about my well being. One asked if calls needed to be made to send for a wellness check to insure my safety while I was home alone. Another who rarely checks in has been texting me every night, asking if I want company (I decline). After a gut wrenching sob fest with my mother last night, she held me tight and just let me let everything go, she took me by the shoulders and said she was there for me, no matter what. That she promised we would get through this together. Then she said, "now you say it. Promise me that we will get through it. We both will get through this." I could only nod.

Do I really come across as that mentally unstable? That 3 separate people have made comments implying I'm not strong enough to handle the crap handed to me this week? Do any of these people realise that I am completely surrounded by an incredible selection of various medications that I could very easily OD on at anytime, YET I HAVEN'T.

Maybe that's the issue... They know what I have available to me within close proximity. They know I'm in an empty house...

They're on to me.

Only, I made a promise...

I'm Not Going Anywhere.





I cancelled the packs of the new birth control. That shit is poisoning my mind, body, and spirit. I can't do that anymore. I've been off of everything for 2 weeks. I can only imagine how fucked up this week would be for me had I continued taking it. There would be no loving kindness replacing disappointment. There would be no appreciation and gratitude for the gifts I have received. There would be nothing.

Reflection

July 4th: Daily Calm
Now, let's begin our loving kindness practice by directing loving kindness to ourselves. It's only when we can cultivate loving kindness towards ourselves that we can then extend it to others. To start, place your attention on the area of your heart and see if you can generate feelings of warmth and friendliness towards yourself. If it helps, you can place your hand on your heart to infuse your body with loving kindness. Turning towards yourself in a gentle, compassionate way, allowing warm feelings to flood through your body... love and acceptance. Kindness and compassion.
Now, as you direct loving kindness towards your self, repeat the following phrases in your mind: May I be well. May I be loved. May I be joyful. May I be at peace. Each time you recite the words offer them all your attention, savoring the meaning of each word. May I be well. May I be loved. May I be joyful. May I be at peace.
Now, lets direct loving kindness towards the people in our lives, past and present, who have loved us, supported us, nurtured us, and believed in us. Take a moment to scan back across the years, reflecting on family members, partners, lovers, teachers, neighbors, coaches, peers, mentors, employers, teammates, colleagues, and friends who have inspired you on your path and helped you along the way. Reflect on those who showed you patience, made you laugh, offered you time or gave knowledge. Remember those who saw your potential, protected you from harm, and helped you see the goodness in yourself. With these people who supported you in mind, repeat each phrase softly and silently. May you be well. May you be loved. May you be joyful. May you be at peace.
Last, we'll extend loving kindness to all human beings. You can picture individuals or groups in the world in need. People who are suffering in your very own community and around the world. Extend affection without boundaries or limits, spreading loving kindness in all directions. May you be well. May you be loved. May you be joyful. May you be at peace. Now just notice how it feels to open the heart. How it feels to generate loving kindness with yourself and others.
Sometimes, people come into our lives and make a contribution. By practicing loving kindness towards them, we can honor them and keep them close to our heart. As Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you'll discover that for you the world is transformed." 

Well fuck, that one made me cry.

I have let go of my anger. I just can't be mad. I don't have it in me. The gifts and contributions made to this leg of my journey, the support I needed and felt, far far outweighs my momentary sadness that it's over. I was seen, as is, and I have to let go that me, as is, is not what they wanted. That they chose the potential of another over the potential in me. But it was there. They saw my potential. They saw my potential, they protected me from harm (quite literally), and helped me see the goodness in myself. I have to let go that the goodness they see in someone else is "better" than my own. "There's no factual component to it. No one-to-one comparison." 

Trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I didn't do right, is only torturing myself. Clawing myself from the inside out.

I went for a walk yesterday. 3 miles. As I walked in the 90+ degree heat I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the sun burning my skin. I didn't feel the heat dehydrating me. I also didn't feel it as I scratched my arms, itching away sweat in long strokes... but when I looked down they were bloodied. I had literally clawed my forearms to the point of bleeding and I didn't feel it. I walked in my parents empty house and just started stripping my clothes. But I stripped other parts of me too. My sadness. My fear of never being enough. I stripped away the layers and peeled back a corner of the pool cover and just sat. I sat in the cold water and just let it hold me. An icy embrace. I sat and I cried and I dipped my arms in the water. It stung. The chlorine in the water instantly tarnished my rings. Parts of them turned nearly black.

The first time my rings turned black, I panicked. I thought they were ruined forever and I had just wasted $1,800. But just because the surface has been overtaken by a dark patina doesn't mean they have lost their function, the value they have to my life. And I learned that over time, the patina wears off and they return to being shiny and silver again. It just takes time.

As I stared at my hands, not in a panic because I have experienced this many many times, I felt a sense of peace.

I have been here before. The darkness is temporary. The value and the worth in my heart is still there, underneath the patina of disappointment. In time, I will regain my shine.

May you be well. May you be loved. May you be joyful. May you be at peace.

Fight

I'm trying. Really I am. 😔

Deactivate

I deactivated my Facebook account. Blacked out the cover and profile pictures, then deactivated it. I dont want to obsess about how shes thinner and prettier and "more" in his eyes than I could ever dream of being. I skimmed her page and got sick to my stomach with how active he was on all her posts. Especially recently. So I disabled my ability to see it. Blocked her, then just said fuck it and disabled the whole thing.

I was a phase I guess. A hesitant reach at something different, a trial run of his "new normal" after divorce. It was the same with Pat. I got to bare witness to some pretty powerful healing, and when he was ready for something more serious, he went looking for it elsewhere. This is no different. No different at all from where I stand.

"I'm not ruling anything out" is a phrase that will bother me for a long time. What a lie. I've been "ruled out." And lucky me, I get to lose someone I considered a best friend in the process. I dont have communities to fall back on here. I dont have "other options" in the wings waiting to soothe my bruised ego.

I dont want to lose my friend. I dont want to lose that connection and closeness to someone I respect so much, even tho I'm losing my mind over it in this moment. But I dont know if that's even possible. And it feels exceptionally gross to feel like I have to beg someone to like me. To beg someone not to cut me off. To beg someone to be my friend.

I am incredibly hurt. But now I feel more alone than ever before.

I considered deactivating my blog.

I still may.

Is this where I'm supposed to have a clean break from everything? Am I expected to just get over it after one sleepless night? Just sever off my leg and contemplate it thoughtfully, a gentle smile on my face, blissfully zen while I hemorrhage and bleed out on the floor?

What was the lesson here? What am I supposed to learn in this moment? Let go of everything not meant for me?? Okay, but then what? I give away pieces of myself as I go, giving them away without hesitation. Trusting people and accepting them for who they are. But what about me? When is it my turn to be "first choice?" To be seen with the nervous excitement of potential?

I dont want to open up again to anyone. I dont want to trust blindly, to put all my cards on the table, completely exposed, just to have yet another goddamn person give me the once over and shrug "meh. I can do better."

Great.

"I'm not ruling anything out... except for you."

Fuck that hurts.

So now I'm surrounded by books and little things that he gave me. He was unloading his self proclaimed burdens on me, to make space for something new.

I am such a fool.

I can't sleep. How the fuck am I supposed to function?

He's fine. Undoubtedly sleeping away blissfully, his mind already focused on the potential new day and new beginnings stretched out in front of him. Hes getting everything he wants.

But I get it. I dont want to be with me anymore either.

Deactivate.

Fractals

Daily Calm: July 2nd
Fractals

"Don't worry if you can't feel everything at once. Just keep trying to sense the whole breath and accept whatever comes into your awareness."

Feeling everything at once just set me off into a fun moment of hyperventilation. Right now I wish I didn't feel anything at all. I am very aware of everything in this moment that I am forced to accept, and it's too much all at once. I am exceptionally overwhelmed in this moment.

"As we watch the breath moving through our whole bodies, it can make us aware of the natural rhythm, like the movement of the ocean tides, a pattern of rain, or the swaying of tree branches. Learning to sense the breath in this way is like discovering we have a beach front view, right in front of us. Now, gently relax your attention. Today we'll explore the idea of fractals. To start, lets bring to mind an image together. Imagine you are flying in a helicopter, high above a rugged coast line on a clear day. Cruising at 3,000 feet, you can see for miles. And the coast is a jagged line where earth meets ocean. As the helicopter descends to lower altitudes, the zoomed in coast line looks quite smaller to the wider view from higher up. It has a similar pattern of sweeping bays, dented inlets, curling coves. As you descend towards the ground, the smaller pieces of coastline have much the same shape as the larger whole. Scientists have a word to describe this kind of shape or pattern, where a basic motif is repeated again and again, in different scales. It's called a fractal. And the concept helps scientists understand everything from trees to mountains to the neural networks of your brain. It can be helpful to see our mindfulness practice as kind of a fractal. Like the coast line, we can zoom in or zoom out, when thinking about our practice, and find similarities across different scales. Within a single sit, you'll likely forget to watch the breath many times, and return to it, many times. If you zoom out and look at your practice over a few weeks, you will see there are days when you remember to sit, or days when you forget or can't find the time. If you zoom out even further, thinking of your practice over months or even years, you'll see seasons within your practice. Times when months go by and you're lost in the busyness of life, unable to prioritize meditation. This doesn't mean you've abandoned your practice. One day, when the time is right, you'll return to the cushion. And it's like meeting an old friend after a long time apart. These patterns, where we stray from the breath and come back, where we stray from our practice and come back, are like a fractal. As natural in their own way as the jagged coast line. This realization can help you feel less self blaming during those periods when your mind wanders. Or when you struggle to practice consistently, just remember it's all part of the fractal. As Sharon Salsburg said, 'I've often thought of meditation as being like a fractal. Where one small part of something is a tiny, perfect replica of the whole.'"

I listened to this meditation with a great heaviness in my heart. My inability to calm down was reaching a fever pitch and I was feeling completely alone and afraid. I called my brother to come stay with me, as I was starting to really panic. Then I called him back. Told him to go home. He asked if I would be okay. I said I would be fine. I decided to listen to a meditation instead of listening to him gush on and on about how he has an over abundance of love in his life - so much so he doesn't know what to do with it. I sent him away and I am sitting in the dark alone.

I listened to the meditation and I realized that I have found myself in familiar waters yet again. Waters I swore I would never be in again. I had put my faith and trust in another, and in response, I have been passed over for the potential in someone else. How horrible a feeling, to be essentially dumped over a "maybe..." in another person. I cracked myself open. I was vulnerable and honest and I was myself. I was all these things and it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. This wasn't the first time this has happened.

But it will be the last.

I can't do this anymore. This hurts, and I'm overwhelmingly sad. How am I supposed to just carry on and pretend like it doesn't matter? That it didn't matter to me? IT DID MATTER. All of it.

And you know what? Even though I feel like I can't breathe and the thought of eating ever again makes me want to fling myself out a window, I won't. 

Even though I'm absolutely dying inside in this moment, I'm also proud of myself. I loved someone unconditionally. I opened up. I was vulnerable. I communicated my needs in a really healthy way. I spoke my truth. So did they. Their truth just included a future with someone else. I wasn't what they needed or wanted. That hurts. But they also respected me enough to tell me. I'm grateful for that, and I'll appreciate it more... later. All I wanted was to be there for them, but to be wanted in return. That isn't how this tends to pan out for me.

I'm so... Disappointed.

The worst part in this moment? I feel like I have to mourn the loss of a man I love... while he's still alive. I'm off the list. I'm terrified I'll forever remain "the secret" that doesn't deserve reassurance, recognition, or acknowledgement. That nightmare I kept having about not belonging? Yeah, that just came true. That is my reality now.

Is this my role? Is this my fractal? What am I supposed to do here? "Keep doing what you've been doing." Okay, but then what? How do I avoid this in the future? How do I stop being the lesser choice?

It's been a hard day.

I have no choice.

I'm too tired to pick up all those bricks I've shed along the way in the last 6 months of this journey. I don't have anything left in me to build new walls. I don't want to hate and fume and say cruel things (true or otherwise).

Everything hurts. Everything.

Putting on the Brakes

I talked to the Dr about my symptoms and they have pulled me off the birth control. We're going to try a different pill. Lower dosage and a different configuration or hormone. If that still makes me nutty, I'll go back to charting until my insurance kicks in and I can get a new IUD.

Spent 5 hours at the auto shop yesterday, getting new brakes and rotors on all four wheels. $500 later and my car is good as new. I took the money from my spouse, and I will have to pay him back, which makes me sick to my stomach. That is basically the last of my savings and what I have squirrel'd away to put towards my lawyer.

I told my mom. I suspect shes going to work with my dad to help out.

Yesterday I had another experience of being angry/frustrated, and having to let it go. I'm so close to the end and any delays are just stressing me out. I'm just so ready.