Brownies and Delightful Ambiguity

After inhaling half a pan of chocolate chip cookie covered brownies and having another cry, I feel like a new person today. I am so confused by my surge of emotions yesterday. The swings were outrageous, and quite frankly, I am completely embarrassed. I swung between sadness and happiness, contentment and jealousy, confidence and crippling insecurity. While I was walking, drenched in sweat and tears, I had the fleeting thought that this could all just disappear in the blink of an eye, and I would have peace.

I sent a message to the prescribing Dr to discuss other options.

In other news, my meditations and readings are still focused on what I am, and what I am not. This passage touched me today: "...the instant we can accept what is not in our nature, rather than being distracted by all we think we could or should be, then all our inner resources are free to transform us into the particular self we are aching to be. This act of acceptance is a risk that frees us because we can't find the growth that awaits us until we give up what is against our very nature. It is this surrender, without knowing what will happen next, that allows our lives to truly unfold." Even my meditation was about letting go of the end goal of enlightenment. There is no moment of brilliance and then floating around in an enlightened zen-like cloud the rest of your life. I knew this was true, I knew in the beginning of my mindfulness practice that there was no "end," no "outcome." It just is. This crosses over into other areas of my life too. Some aspects of my life have definite goals - things that I am working towards to accomplish (divorce), but everything else is left to "delightful ambiguity." At times it's a struggle to let go and just be, but sometimes it feels completely freeing to do so.

Hormonal Influences?

I'm starting to second guess my current choice of birth control pills. I am working so hard to move forward with certain aspects of my life, to break free from old cycles and obsessive over analyzing of things that have nothing to do with me, but I feel like this is a lot harder during certain days in this pack. I'm learning the patterns of this birth control, and without fail, for the last 2 cycles, the day before my period starts I am an utter wreck. Okay, I know that I am under an exceptional amount of pressure and stress right now, but I know deep down I could be handling myself better. That I can DO better than I currently am. I suspect the hormonal influence has something to do with my inability to "snap out of it" today. I've contemplated my readings, I cried through a 10 minute meditation about "being enough," I walked for 3 miles in 90 degree weather to get myself moving... I listened to some music and cried over songs I had heard a million times that never moved me in that way before. Seriously, who the fuck cries over Cyndi Lauper covers?? Me, that's who. Then what comes on but Hallelujah. Jesus... I had to stop walking and catch my breath. I'm sure whoever's yard I nearly collapsed in had some questions, but I managed to get it together. I figured I'd put on something annoying to get my feet moving again. Pink Floyd. I typically can't stand Pink Floyd. Nope, I found previously ignored and scoffed at lyrics to have new meaning and the tears welled up again. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Hormones. I blame hormones. Yuck.

In other news, my mother teased me a little about my affirmation bracelets. I added another long forgotten one that was hidden in a drawer in the bathroom. My mother teased and said that if I kept adding affirmations, my whole arm was going to be covered. I just looked at her and said "if it makes me happy, keeps me grounded, and is a gentle reminder that I can do better, what does it matter?" She nodded in thought and said "You're absolutely right."

The one I added today I had commissioned after my wrist fusion. The original purpose was to hide the scars. But when I hear the soft chime it makes, it reminds me of my Aunt Rilly and I can't help but be comforted. She was an incredible lady, and I know she's with me while I'm fumbling along today. It has a couple small charms on a teal and purple silk ribbon: an Om, the tree of life, a mini Buddha, and a couple little crystals. Here's a picture:

I don't anticipate adding anything else, as I'm running out of real estate, haha. I like the configuration the way it is, and I'm not allergic to the silver, so that's a bonus too! But who knows, I'll likely change it up as I'm moved to do.

All That We Are Not

June 28 - Mark Nepo

"Discernment is a process of letting go of what we are not." -Father Thomas Keating

I can easily over-identify with my emotions and roles, becoming what I feel: I am angry... I am divorced... I am depressed... I am a failure... I am nothing but my confusion and my sadness...
No matter how we feel in any one moment, we are not just our feelings, our roles, our traumas, our prescription of values, or our obligations or ambitions. It is so easy to define ourselves by the moment of struggle we are wrestling with. It is a very human way, to be consumed by what moves through us.
In contrast, I often think of how Michelangelo sculpted, how he saw the sculpture waiting, already complete, in the uncut stone. He would often say that his job was to carve away the excess, freeing the thing of beauty just waiting to be released.
It helps me to think of spiritual discernment in this way. Facing ourselves, uncovering the meaning in our hard experiences, the entire work of consciousness speaks to a process by which we sculpt away the excess, all that we are not; finding and releasing the gesture of soul that is already waiting, complete, within us. Self-actualization is this process applied to our life on Earth. The many ways we suffer, both inwardly and outwardly, are the chisels of God freeing the thing of beauty that we have carried within since birth. 

I needed this one today. In truth, I need all of my readings and meditations every day, but I needed this one today. In this moment I am trying to move beyond what I am, and what I am not, in terms of how I feel about myself, and those around me. Labeling and naming things is human nature. It helps us to identify and understand our place within the world around us. If I am here, you are there. But where is the joy in that? Where is the freedom to experience life when you're busy labeling and sorting and feeling discouraged by your own assumptions and insecurities?

I told a story to my son yesterday:

It is said a great Zen teacher asked an initiate to sit by a stream until he heard all the water had to teach. After days of bending his mind around the scene, a small monkey happened by, and, in one seeming bound of joy, splashed about in the stream. The initiate wept and returned to his teacher, who scolded him lovingly, "The monkey heard. You just listened."

When I asked my son what the story meant, he said "You can only learn so much by watching from the shore. To really learn and understand, you have to get wet! And playing in it can be a lot of fun too!"

Yep.

The monkey didnt waste time and energy on the study, on the labels, on anything other than being present in the joy of the moment.

I know a few monkeys in my life. I aspire to be more like them.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Today is National Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Awareness Day. Even with a diagnosis in 2014, I never really looked any further beyond my own healing to seek out groups and parades or whatever. It's a pretty "hush hush" mental health disorder. I had thought about posting something publicly in the past on social media to raise awareness about it being more that just combat soldiers that experience it, but I also like to keep my private matters, well, private. I never added my voice to the #metoo movement as quite frankly, I didn't want to dig up painful memories that I have long made peace with. So many people were willing to share their stories and wear their traumatic experiences as a badge of honor... and sometimes it felt more like attention seeking, then a feeling of community and togetherness. So I kept quiet during that whole trend. It became evident that nearly every woman I knew had experienced sexual harassment or assault. It became understood that I didn't have to say "me too" because everyone already knew.

It's only recently that I have started to open up about EDS on social media, and that was a half-hearted attempt at best. May was EDS awareness month and the EDS foundation published some informational posts and I just shared a couple.

I feel torn about saying anything at all about PTSD out there in the "real world" (ha) of social media. I'd like to raise awareness, but I'd also like to avoid the judgement of attention seeking too. So maybe I'll just share something vague and leave it at that. Get the word out, without it being my words and my experience with it... Or something like that. I dunno... We'll see.

-----

Yesterday I experienced something completely new. Something I was not prepared for.

I got angry. REALLY angry. Like red face, hot tears, swearing, voice raising on the verge of yelling kind of angry. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten that mad before, but very, very rarely in the presence of another person. I usually reserve those moments of outburst and release for in the shower, or alone in my car. The only other time I can actively recall getting even remotely close to how angry I was yesterday, around another person, was enough that they hid.

This person didn't hide. They didn't tell me to calm down. They didn't try to jump in with a hug or shush me with soothing words. They were present, but they didn't interfere with my moment of struggle. They witnessed my anger, and didn't judge it. They gave me exactly what I needed in that moment, and holy shit I am so grateful! I am so grateful to have a friendship that is a safe space - for me to feel comfortable enough to actually let out some of those big, scary feelings as they pop up, rather that stuff them down inside for "another time" to be dealt with. They may not realize it but my expression of anger could be taken as a compliment!

My anger was kicked off by my spouse. I have a running list of documentation of things that are completely financially irresponsible on his part, and yesterday's occurrence is right up there near the top. 6 lovely (p)leather chairs showed up at the door. He spent $200 on 6 chairs for his gamer buddies to sit on for Friday Night roll playing. $200 that HE DOESN'T HAVE.  He asked me this past weekend to borrow $40 until Friday as he didn't have money for gas. If you don't have money for gas, how do you have money for chairs? But my bigger issue is this...

How do you justify putting your gamer buddies comfort over that of your own children? The kids are expected to sit on the nasty pee couch that he is somehow comfortable sleeping on... yet his friends get nice comfy chairs to sit on? He can miss paying the electric bill, yet his buddies have nice new chairs, and I'm sure he picked up his comic bin this month too...

Did I splurge and buy myself a piece of jewelry this month? Yes I did. $35. Are any of my bills going unpaid because of it? NO! Do my children question my loyalty to them because of it? NO!

-----

I'm helping my mom clean out the back bedroom for the kids. She's going to clear out the other back bedroom of her clothes and stuff as well so my kids can have separate rooms. I am so grateful that my babies will have a safe, clean place to sleep while they are with me.

Stems and Roots

June 25, Mark Nepo

The Love we show saves the Love we hide,
the way a sprig in the sun feeds its unseen root.
Even though I believe in living in the open, parts of me hide. I can't help it. But what I can help is which parts of me - the open or the hidden - run my life. What I can rely on is this inexplicable knowing that when I am in the open, life nourishes even those parts so sorely hidden.
Just as green stems in spring stay connected to their darker roots, just as the roots grow when the stems do, my compassion soothes my fear where I can't see. Unknown to me, my love feeds the underside of my confusion. The light I take in keeps the roots of my soul alive.
We become so preoccupied with what we are not able to address, what we are not able to mend, what we are not able to leave behind, that we forget that whatever we are in the light of day is slowly, but surely, healing the rest of us. 

I remembered again as I read today's passage just how much of my life has been lived in hiding. I have always been a very discreet person, more private than outgoing, and have been that way intentionally and also as a product of how I was raised. When you grow up constantly hearing "I don't want to know; I don't want to hear about it," you get pretty good at not sharing anything. To this day it's still a struggle at times to know what is okay to share, and what I should keep to myself. 

Last night I couldn't sleep. Instead I wrote out a hefty email to someone close to me, detailing certain aspects of our friendship that were of potential concern to me. I rambled on about why I was feeling that way, the background to how my train of thought worked, and about 3/4 of the way through, I stopped. I stopped and re-read what I had written. I quickly realized that I hadn't really written it for them, I had written it for me. I realized that the majority of the email was me explaining and defending why I felt the way I did. It was entirely unnecessary. I trust this person completely. I also appreciate that they are very patient and understanding of me navigating a new way of approaching, well, everything. So I scrapped the email. 

This may seem silly to others, but this is a moment of growth for me. Where I could have taken my previous path of insecurity and defensiveness of said insecurity, I made the decision to break away from that trend and moved in a different direction. As soon as I gave myself permission to let go of the fear of saying the wrong thing, I was free. I no longer felt I needed to really say much of anything. And not because of a fear that "they don't want to hear about it," but because I had worked out what was really bugging me under the surface on my own! 

I'm feeling pretty good about it! :)

"Happy Anniversary"

I was woken up at 5am by hands on my ass. Rubbing, squeezing, trying to gently coax my legs apart. Still foggy, I made a dissatisfied sound and squirmed out from under the hands. They stopped momentarily and I started to fall back asleep. Again, the hands started and I growled out "no!" as I rolled away. Instead of leaving me alone, he pulled back the sheet covering me and started to move his face in to start kissing my back and ass. I bolted upright, said loudly "Stop. Please." and covered myself back up with the sheet.

He didnt say a word, just sighed heavily and went back downstairs. He finished getting ready to go.

He came back upstairs to tell me he was leaving and proceeded to lean on my broken wrist in doing so. I yelped and he recoiled. "Geez, sorry." He said he was leaving and taking our son with him last minute. I told him to be careful. As he pouted and slinked back down the stairs, he muttered, "Happy Anniversary."

Needless to say, I am now wide awake. I do not feel safe here. He is incapable of respecting my boundaries. He is incapable of listening the first 2 times I asked/gave signals to stop. I said no, and he didn't.

I refuse to stay here again. If it means sacrificing my sleep, so be it.

Grad Party

Today was a bit of a roller coaster. I spent all day with my kids and their father, and I'm exhausted.

We went to a movie (the new Jurassic world) and small boy and I cried through a good chunk. Several scenes felt like a punch in the childhood, but it was very well done. I am a huge dinosaur fan, always have been, and my excitement over these films has always been reminiscent of keeping my childlike wonder. If you ever want to see me truly giddy, take me to a natural history museum with dinosaur bones.

After sniffling my way through another dinosaur extinction, it was off to a graduation party. Part of me didnt want to go, as this would be spending time with the kids fathers extended family. But part of me also wanted to go, as the graduates parents are divorced and decided to have a joint party. I wanted to observe the dynamic and take notes for the future. Unfortunately the crazy alcoholic aunt was there and she quickly spiraled out of control. Her keys were taken and we ended up staying later than I wanted, as we got involved in securing her safe passage home.

During the party, the kids dad proclaimed that he would be leaving at 5am the next morning to head up north to put my parents dock in. Without my kids room finished at my parents, this essentially traps me in his house overnight. There's no way I'm able to wake up at 4:30am to get back to the house for him to leave at 5am. I'm a little pissed that my mother KNOWS THIS, yet coordinated these plans with him, without me. I told her everything that was planned for this weekend, so this really wasnt the best weekend for him to disappear for 6 hours Sunday morning. But plans were made and hes doing a "good will gesture" to help out my parents. Good will or not, he bitched to every member of his family that he "had to help my parents at 5am." They all gave him a sympathetic "that sucks!" I was ready to spit nails. If helping my invalid father and exhausted mother is really that much of an inconvenience that you are going to constantly complain, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

So I'm hiding out upstairs. It's hot, even with the windows open. I'm annoyed with being here. I keep reminding myself that I'm so close, that this is temporary and I can make it this last week.

Falling in Love

I can't hold this in any longer. I've been keeping it quiet, not telling a soul, hiding my feelings from everyone close to me and even myself. I can't do that anymore... So here it is... I'm completely falling in love.

It started off so slowly, hesitantly. My eyes were slowly being opened to the brilliance and beauty before me, but my old self sabotaging nature would step in and start to nit pick it apart. Shredding the pretty edges of my excitement with "this will never work" or "you don't deserve this..." But ever so slowly I have been hushing those thoughts of self doubt. Instead of cowering beneath those heavy words, I've been stopping myself and asking "why are you doing that?" in return. Tackling my past and really looking at the "why" has opened me up to so many blessings in my life. I am so blessed. But it's crazy too. For the first time in my life I really found something solid...

I am absolutely, 100% completely, unquestionably falling in love with my healing process.

There are days of darkness. There are days of joy. There are days I can be gentle and patient and soft. There are days that I am cold and cruel and unjust... But every single one of those days brings new opportunity, new hope, and holy shit I have never been happier. Even as some areas of my life are absolutely crumbling around me, I am so blessed.

Even after setbacks that I am ashamed of, I'm still moving forward, and I'm really falling in love with who I am.

This is exceptionally different and new for me. The thought hit me earlier today and I haven't stopped smiling since.

Cannon ball

"...we cannot see light except in what it touches... In the same way, the presence of God powerfully moves between us unseen, only visible in the brief moments we are lighted, in those enlivened moments we know as love... Our gentleness of heard allows us to see and be seen." Mark Nepo

"And as a thought arises, as they will, know that just because it comes to the surface doesn't mean that you have to follow it." -Tamara Levitt

Today's meditation was about breaking the cycle of obsessive thoughts. How to practice catching ourselves, and how to safely jump off the barreling train of obsessive thought. This might have come in handy a couple days ago when my thoughts were splattered all over the place, but as I was listening, I realized that I was still able to practice my mindfulness. Yes, I allowed myself to beat myself up, to obsess for a moment over negativity, to give in to being less than kind to myself... but I also caught myself along the way. Did I do a cannon ball into the pool of negative thinking? Yep. I sure did. But as soon as I hit the water I realized that this was not what I wanted, and dragged myself back out of the pool, sputtering, wet, and feeling incredibly sheepish.

"Well that was dumb..."

Yesterday I spent a portion of the day mistaking the notion that doing something dumb meant that I was dumb. Again, not exactly rational, but I was still drying out from being drenched in negativity. It took me a little while to shake away those last drops of thought. So I went for a walk by myself. I was freezing at the beginning. By the end I was peeling off layers and sweating. My mind did something similar. I thawed out the self loathing speeches and warmed up to the thought that I am human, I am doing the best I can, and I am not stupid. Yes, I have made mistakes, and over the course of the next several months (or, y'know, the rest of my life, however long that is) will likely make several more, but I am doing the best I can, and I continue to strive for growth - to do better. To be better.

I ordered a custom piece of jewelry yesterday. I've started wearing some of my bracelets again, each of which has a powerful message/affirmation on it. "Enjoy the Journey" is the most recent one gifted to me for my birthday. I also have a very dainty silver chain that has "Dreams become reality one choice at a time" stamped on it. These may seem trivial to some, but to me they are small, gentle reminders when I start to cave in on myself. Reminders of the journey. Reminders that my decisions, my choices, directly influence what I want. But I also wanted something to ground me into the current moment. Something to remind me that I am here, present, a witness to my own journey as well as to others. Something that was meaningful to me, that no one else really need understand.

I N G A

I'm Not Going Anywhere

This gently touches so many different areas of my life, for so many different reasons. I'm excited for it's arrival.

Today's angel card is Transformation.

"Shine"

(Transcription of The Daily Calm 6/20/2018 - Tamara Levitt)

Today I'd like to talk about moving toward the truth of who we are. Often the world around us makes it difficult to be that person we know we are deep down. That person we get to know in moments of quiet and solitude. As we learn who we are and seek to become that person, we sometimes face obstacles. There's often pressure from our family or community or society. Pressure that limits our choices of how to act, who to date, how to express ourselves, what profession to pursue. So how can our mindfulness practice bring us closer to who we are? Well, the journey is personal. We must first discover what inside us wants to be free. So lets take a moment to go deeper than the noise of the should's and the should not's and listen within. As yourself, "what parts of myself do I hide from the world? Where am I nervous to be myself? How do I dull my life?" Take a moment to pause with these questions.
When sitting with this introspection, emotions can arise. Like fear of embarrassment, rejection, or failure. What we need to understand is that these are the parts of ourselves that need the most love, acceptance, and compassion. Just for a moment, try turning towards yourself and offer some loving kindness now.
And as one last step, try to imagine what it would feel like to allow yourself to be free. Allowing yourself to shine. Celebrating all of you. And take a moment now to notice how that feels.
This exercise may have been difficult. My wish for you is that you can find people, spaces, and community where you can be a little more you and experience the joy of who you are. And as we allow ourselves to sparkle, we gently give others permission to do the same. To quote Ellen Page, "When we're growing up there are all sorts of people telling us what to do, when really, what we need is space to work out who to be." Mindfulness gives us this space to explore, discover, and simply be ourselves. So today, I invite you to settle into yourself and celebrate every part of yourself - every beam of who you are. Total. Luminous. 

Some days are better than others in my mindfulness practice. Taking a step forward, feeling defeated as I take a step back. Pushing through, and continuing to take those steps forward.

Recently there have been a few steps back. I debated not mentioning my pitfalls here, but quickly realized that it wouldn't be an honest representation of my process if I didn't open up about both sides of the coin. So with embarrassment, I admit my weaknesses. Over the weekend I did a little internet stalking of my ex boyfriend. I'm not really sure why I did it. Perhaps it was because it was Father's Day and I noticed that neither of his children acknowledged him on social media (they acknowledged their mother for Mothers Day, and had said something publicly in years past, but this year was different). A very mean spirited part of me delighted a little in the thought that his own children have realized what a manipulative, hateful individual he is too. I caught myself.

Why would I wish that on someone, even for a moment? To be cut off and ostracized from their family? I said a prayer. I asked for forgiveness. I prayed that he would forgive me for being so petty and hateful. I prayed for the strength to forgive myself for being mean, and for even giving him any thought at all.

I tried to push that thought away and stalked his new girlfriend instead. I want to be happy for him. She's older, probably the same age as his second wife. Has grown children. Seems to have a lovely home and career. Definitely a more appropriate match, situation-wise anyways. I looked at her pictures and was a little surprised by the physical similarities that this woman has to his second wife. Things he claimed to despise (excessive makeup, expensive jewelry, quaffed hair). I started to get uncomfortable. Is this why I was constantly punished? Because I didn't fit into this mold of what he really wanted?? And is this the look my mother has been trying to push on me? A "trying too hard to look like something other that I am" middle aged woman? I caught myself again.

This is not who I want to be. I do not want to need outside validation that I am "enough." Pretty enough. Smart enough. Kind enough. Strong enough. I do not want to NEED reassurances that I'm attractive or important. That my thoughts and opinions have value or merit.

So I stopped. I stopped looking. Stopped digging. Stopped torturing myself with some weird notion that even though I am exactly where I need to be in this moment, it isn't enough. That somehow I'm not enough.

It's a nasty cycle. One I am ashamed I still get sucked into on occasion. But it's also one that I am recognizing more and more easily. Recognizing, acknowledging, and CHANGING. Rather than let myself get completely sucked away by panic, I stopped and asked myself why I care. Why did I let myself get caught up in a physical comparison game between myself and a picture of a woman I know absolutely nothing about? Why did I let my mother's comments about my appearance suck me into a state of total self consciousness?

So today I'm setting back down all those bricks I had picked up over the weekend. Shaking it off and taking a deep breath. I don't have to go down that road with myself anymore.

I let it go.

Failure

This Camels Back Can't Take Anymore Straw...

This is a rant. Fair warning. 

Last night was a challenge. My frustration is getting harder and harder to keep in, and I'm trying to maintain my cool. Last night all of the kids fathers short comings came to a head. His complacency with utter filth, his lax attitude for task completion that aren't on his priority list, and his feigned concern for my health (yet complete lack of support in the areas I've asked for to maintain my health)... It was all shoved in my face at once, and keeping my frustration and anger in check was extremely hard. 

I don't understand how a grown man can be okay with sleeping on a couch that is covered in dirt, animal hair, and animal waste (both urine and excrement) BY CHOICE and think it is acceptable, when there is a fully functional bed upstairs. He says he won't sleep up there so that I will, yet he refuses to put the A/C unit in the window, after countless times of me telling him I can't get overheated as a health issue. It is a solid 100+ degrees upstairs... Probably the more likely reason why he refuses to sleep up there, yet he doesn't see that if he took 2 minutes to put the A/C unit into the window that you practically have to step over in order to get to the bed, he would solve his own issue. He could sleep in a more comfortable and appropriate bed AND have it be a comfortable temperature. But he just doesn't see the obvious solutions because he's grown complacent with sleeping on pee. 

I bought a replacement faucet for the kitchen sink as the old one sprung a leak and was spraying water everywhere. He didn't see it as a priority to swap out, as he had slapped some duct tape on the leak and figured it was good enough. I decided Sunday would be a good day to fix it, as we didn't really have plans for the day in the morning. He was pretty annoyed that I would suggest such a thing, being that it was fathers day, and he said he was upset that we "wouldn't get to do anything fun." I bit my tongue... what a perfect way to celebrate Father's Day... by stepping up and TAKING CARE OF YOUR FUCKING FAMILY, but I digress. I attempted to fix it myself, but without any hand strength, or fingers that work for that matter, I wasn't able to do it myself. I made the mistake of asking for help. He bitched and complained the entire time. Giving up after 30 seconds of trying. Proclaiming it to be "too hard" and "no one can fix this." He walked away from it 3 or 4 times, muttering and whining about how it was impossible. Finally having enough of the bitching and moaning, I packed up our daughter and took her to the hardware store to get the appropriate tools needed. As we walked back into the house, he said "it's done." I checked that water did indeed come out of the faucet, but his behavior wasn't prideful at getting it done, it was still annoyance. How dare I task him with something "to do" on Fathers Day that wasn't fun. Fuck necessity. It wasn't fun! So I didn't check under the sink for leaks. I trusted that he took that initiative. 

Last night I was in the basement, scrubbing out my ferrets cage when he decided to finally do up the dishes. Water came pouring out of the basement ceiling. I yelled for him to turn the water off, that it was leaking from somewhere. We opened the cabinet under the sink. FULL of water. I asked very calmly and politely if he tested the connections after he reattached everything. "It was fine. I didn't even touch the original attachments." I simply said "next time, make sure you tighten all the attachment points, even if you didn't touch them. It's a good time to make sure all the attachments are tight, including the drain, as a tune up of sorts." He literally crossed his arms and pouted. "Well now what?" I told him to turn the water back on so I could see where the leak was coming from. He rolled his eyes at me. 

I found the source of the leak. I will get the parts to fix it. I WILL MAKE SURE MY CHILDREN HAVE CLEAN WATER TO DRINK FROM THE TAP THAT DOESN'T CAUSE WATER DAMAGE TO THE REST OF THE HOUSE. 

He doesn't fucking deserve to keep living in that house. His idea of cleaning and organizing is putting his comics in plastic bags. Any major issues, I have been the one to either take care of it myself, bought the parts and asked for help, or hired someone to take care of something way over my head. He has NEVER taken the initiative on maintaining the house. He still has a dryer in the basement that isn't hooked up because he can't be bothered with a single fucking phone call to get the line hooked up. I have put my foot down on that one. I WILL NOT TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. So it's still down there. Unused. The washer is probably shot now after sitting unused for 4 years too. The basement sink is clogged with all sorts of debris that I don't even know what he dumped in there. 

It was 10:30pm by the time kids were settled in bed, the source of the leak found, and I was getting ready to walk out the door. That was when he let in the dogs, one of which hopped on the couch and clearly had rolled in something dead outside. I told him she had rolled in something and would need to be washed. He started calling her and she hid. Instead of walking to the dog and picking her up, he just kept calling her louder and louder... scaring the dog and keeping the kids awake/waking them up. 

I snapped. 

"Oh for Fucks Sake. Are you really that incompetent that I have to fucking take care of everything for you??" I put down my purse and keys (literally was trying to walk out the door), grabbed the dog, carried her to the bathroom, put her in the tub and looked up at him. "Are you going to help or what?" He walked away. So I scrubbed the dog. Rinsed her really well. Got covered in dog water and whatever it was that she rolled in. Toweled the dog off. Put her in her crate. Collected up the now soaked towels from the bathroom. 

With a handful of wet towels in my hands, I told him I would see him later. That now I had laundry to do, a shower to take, and I would look for an extra set of hose connections at my parents house. 

This morning he had the audacity to be pissed at me because I was running late to pick up the kids. 

He was pissed at me... 

I can't do this anymore. I've been shaking and on the verge of tears a good chunk of the day. I can't do this anymore!

A Moth

While I was typing last night, a strange thing happened. It was completely dark in my room with the exception of my computer monitor as I typed away. A huge moth slammed into my screen and scared the shit out of me. Once my brain registered the moth man was not out to get me, I felt sorry for the poor thing. Here he was, fluttering along the brightest points of my monitor, doing exactly what he was supposed to. Moths are driven internally by the moon, and this guy was just doing his best to get there. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just so focused on the destination that he didnt notice that he wasnt quite where he needed to be.

In that moment, I took pity on him, for I myself have been the moth plenty of times. I scooped him up and set him free.

Over the course of the day, I'd been thinking about that moth a lot. I sat with my fears that I am still that moth, desperately reaching out to touch brilliance, blind to the truth that it may never be meant for me, no matter how drawn to it I may be instinctually. But as I sat within those thoughts, I reached out to a friend, as I could feel I was treading in old waters, but didnt know what to do next in that moment.

She was gentle with me. More gentle that I had been with myself. And she said some things that were spot on. "...the struggle you are having right now is giving you a huge opportunity for growth. To really move thru the shit, the shit that makes you insecure and afraid and make the same mistakes over and over, and be better long term."

I think she could tell I was frustrated and frankly embarrassed by feeling like I was regressing, even momentarily, and rather than give me a hard time or simply telling me to snap out of it, she simply said "You are becoming your best self and that is hard ass work."

She couldn't see it, but I burst into tears. This is hard work! Today was definitely a day of weakness, and I was just so tired all day, but I feel stronger here at the end of the day than I did at the beginning.

I was reminded of a horse back riding lesson I had with a world champion. My mother paid a lot of money for this private clinic, and it was the day my horse decided a gate he had walked by at least a million times was now haunted. I spent the whole lesson trying to get him to walk by it. For 50 minutes I worked my ass off. I finally collapsed, sobbing in the way only a truly mentally and physically exhausted person can, and the instructor gently peeled me off of my horse. He then hopped on and with strong encouragement, had my horses nose on the fence within 5 minutes. I was furious and convinced I was a failure.

"Mer, I wouldn't have been able to get him here if you hadn't done all the hard work. Look at him. He's exhausted, foaming with sweat like he just had the workout of his life. YOU gave him the workout of his life. I did the easy part after you both had fought until you couldn't fight anymore! I could see you were at the finish line, but it's okay to let go too."

By learning to let go... To love others as they are in this moment, without expectation... To open myself to my own loving tenderness... To accept there will be days of weakness (and that's okay!)... To put my Trust in what is... To reaffirm my love and faith in Something Greater... THAT is how I continue to break free from old cycles. THAT is how I am no longer a moth.

I am my own moon. And I need to give myself a little credit for my own brilliance.

Mindfulness Practice in This Moment

A few things have stood out today as I move through the day, the familiar whisper of a darker shadow in my mind when I woke. Rather than allow myself to collapse in on it, to let it overpower me and drown me with self doubt, shame, disappointment, and lack of kindness towards myself, I chose to handle it a different way. Instead, I distanced myself from my anxiety and decided to listen to my meditations, read my daily passages, asked for guidance from the place inside me that houses Something Greater.

The responses were pretty clear. Here are some of the points that stood out to me in the moments of asking:

- "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves." - Rainer Maria Rilke
- "As I say yes to life, Life says yes to me!" - Louise Hay
- "But today, while running freely through the streets, close to others but not entangled, I realized I am learning after many attempts that I can stay close and stay porous, caring and present, without holding everyone's anxiety and without going underground." - Mark Nepo

Close to others but not entangled. Continuing to come up and out of the pit of co-dependence, this rang with a lot of truth and understanding for me. I previously felt I only had two options available: to stay open and lose myself (the fireman, rushing to the rescue without hesitation) or to close up and cut people off. But this isn't always the case. I can still be present and caring, but that doesn't mean I have to take on other peoples issues and problems as my own. I am not responsible for fixing things that aren't mine to fix, and it's okay to say no without fear that the asking party is going to call me a bad person.

I have also been actively practicing patience. On occasion my inner Verruca Salt does a little pout and states "But I want it NOW" in her best British Royal accent, but I catch myself and remind myself that I have to have patience. That things take time, and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. When I start to get anxious that things aren't moving in the direction I think they should, or at the speed I would like, I've started to really catch myself in those moments to ask myself why I'm feeling pressure or rushed. In some instances, it's because I've run out of patience for the state I'm stuck in, and frustration takes the lead. In others, its an underlying fear of running out of time.

This is an important one.

Caitlin Doughty posted a new video today (I love her, I really do) and it was about the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Death Positive People. Since I was already in the mindset of listening to what the Something Greater in and around me had to say, I took a listen when the notification popped up. Here it is, in a nutshell:

1) Don't apologize for your interests!
2) Treat your interests like exercise - use it or lose it. Meaning once you have finished your advanced directive, that doesn't mean it's necessarily "done." New options are available all the time, and it's okay to seek out new information and update accordingly.
3) Not setting timelines on grief - not your own, and certainly not on anyone else!!
4) See death everywhere - making yourself more sensitive to the actions of others.***
5) Respecting inequality in death positivity. Based on status and culture, others death rituals make seem strange and gross to you. Respect that things may look different for others than what you would consider for yourself - and this doesn't make it "wrong" or "less than."
6) Helping within your community. Hosting workshops when new laws are put in place, or just helping to educate your community to their rights.
7) Be nice to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for not being more zen in the moment when death happens to you personally. Or not personally. Whenever death strikes!

***Cue the fireworks and marching band. So many actions of people are deeply rooted in their fear of dying. Their fear of running out of time. I am absolutely guilty of this too, but part of my mindfulness practice is letting go of that false sense of control. Being afraid of "what if" will only hold me back from being fully present in "what is."

On a side note, I got a job offer as I was writing this. Sent an email to the other position I have pending to let them know, and that I need to make a decision by Monday. Even as I'm actively reminding myself to be mindful, things are working behind the scenes in my favor.

A Strange Intersection

I feel like I have arrived at a strange intersection in my life. I've been having multiple phone interviews over the past several days, and yesterday I had a 2 hour face to face interview. The position was very similar to what I'm doing now, and using software and systems I'm familiar with. I asked strong questions of them they weren't expecting, and we had some really good dialogue about what I could bring to the table. If the money is right, the commute would be worth it, plus I can then start looking for apartments. As much as I love living at my parents for free, there is emotional rent that I'm paying by being here. To be clear, it's far better than the alternative, but I'm looking forward to having some of my own space to breathe in. Eventually. Someday.

I have a couple other positions pending that I'm waiting to hear back on scheduling face to face interviews, but I'm really not feeling 100% about any of them. Most of them are full time, and that makes me a little nervous, but I really don't have much of a choice. I need to take care of some things, which means other things need to be sacrificed. My energy is the lamb, it seems.

But other than standing at this career crossroad, things feel like they are moving in a good direction in my life. I'm formulating a more solid plan for my exit strategy, my relationship with my kids continues to gain strength, I've attended an orientation to help volunteer with a really cool organization that is close to my heart and puts me back into a community I had been terribly missing, and I'm feeling so much less anxious than the previous months... Less restless and less squirrely. I'm feeling pretty content, even though there are so many unknown variables up in the air. I have placed my Trust in the process, and know that as long as I keep doing what I need to, everything will come out okay.

It's a good day.

Redwood Trees

A comedian I enjoy recently got married. He shared an incredible wedding video and it was very moving. Their officiant said something that really stood out to me. He spoke about the redwood trees that their ceremony took place beneath. I don't have the exact quote, but he said that redwoods are totally autonomous above ground, yet their roots are interconnected deep underground, lending strength and support. He said that they (the couple) should be like the redwoods: free to be fully autonomous, yet deeply rooted and connected on a spiritual level to lend support.

I have no desire to get remarried anytime soon. I'm still at the beginning of unraveling my current legal obligations, but I dont have a burning desire to turn around and get married again once it's over.

Someday, I'd like to be like a redwood tree.

Suicides This Week...

Two suicides by celebrities this past week. I didn't know either of them personally, but something about such public review of peoples issues after they've taken their own lives is so insensitive. People taking to social media and popping off about how so-and-so was such a selfish coward, "they had money and fame and family... what a whiny selfish baby to do that!" It pains me to see such hateful speech towards someone who was obviously in enough emotional pain to end their own suffering. Money and fame and family will only get you so far. Sometimes people run out of hope and simply can't do it anymore... and who are we, the fickle masses, to judge?

Publicly discussed celebrity suicide always makes me catch my breath. It triggers me. I can't help but think about Jen, a highschool friend who killed herself by shotgun shortly after we graduated from high school. I can't help but think about RJ, my ex boyfriend who experienced ultimate suffering at his own hands for 3 days before his body finally gave up. And I think about Joe - finding his huge form gently slumped against his roommates bedroom door in the hall way. Freshly showered and naked, his hands lightly resting in his lap. The shot gun next to him on the floor. The side of his face that remained intact was relaxed, peaceful even.

Then I think about my own distant dances with suicide. By the standard of compassion (or lack thereof) people would simply roll their eyes, say I was acting out for attention, and that I was just an angst loving teen who just needed to knock it off. That's what the response would have been if anyone actually knew. That's the response I witnessed towards others when they were public about their self harm. I took half a bottle of Vicodin once - a long time ago. I threw them all up shortly after, but I had swallowed them all, one by one. I used to be a cutter. When there was a threat of being found out, I played it off that the designs I was carving into my arms and legs were just "body modification" as I wasn't old enough to get a tattoo. In reality, the designs were trial runs of how much pressure and force it would take. I was a bulimic. At my smallest I weighed 85 lbs and my kidney's started to fail. I smoked for a brief period. Marlboro Reds. "Cowboy killers." All of these things were dances with death, invitations to die that I mailed and delivered to myself.

Yet, I didn't.

Instead I sought help. Quietly. I have never been one to broadcast whats going on inside me. Even now that is partly true - this blog is pretty much my own personal soapbox, and I'm aware of how very few eyes glance over it.

Initially seeking help was a bit of a disaster, but I kept trying. Kept advocating for my own mental health. As I grew older and faced more and more complicated and difficult issues, I learned to navigate without my previous self harm coping mechanisms. I continue to keep on keeping on.

My current state of mind is a much healthier one, even as I stare down the tunnel of a life sentence of chronic pain. At times I still feel weak, but overall, I am so much stronger and healthier in my mental health. I am so much more self aware. I'm so much more open and voluntarily vulnerable, even when lingering fears of judgement move in the shadows. I've learned that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. I've learned to trust in Something Greater. I've learned to hand over my end of days to The Creator - death will come for me when my time here is done, with or without invitation.

So for those struggling with the loss of your loved ones by suicide, or triggered by the loss of these recent celebrities taking their own lives, I offer John O'Donohue's poem, For the Family and Friends of a Suicide. Now is the time to be gentle with each other as we each mourn our own losses, as we each process our own dances with death.

Personalizing and Projecting

Following the previous theme of fabricating disinterest and a change of heart during the spaces in-between, today's message was about personalizing and projecting. Opposites really, but both can occur during those times of self doubt and loneliness. I have witnessed this from some of my friends, but I'm also working on identifying and acknowledging this within myself too. Personalizing steps in when I assume that I have done something wrong - that I have said or done something to "deserve" distance and imagined disinterest. Its taking in and internalizing things that have very little to nothing to do with me. On the flip side is projection, where I then push out my wants and needs onto others, which typically is not what they want or need.

I have been actively working on identifying these traits as I experience them and even slightly before (when I feel the knee jerk reactions stirring), so that I stop myself from creating stress that isn't there, and stop myself from pushing what I think I want onto others.

Initially it felt like a lot of tongue biting, of holding myself back and stuffing my feelings aside. But as I advance in my practice, it feels less and less like forced disassociation and more like... Mindfulness. But then where do my needs come into the picture? This topic seems to be reoccurring for me, but as I continue to grow and change, so do my needs and wants. If I'm being mindful of respecting others needs and wants, am I also actively honoring my own? Or am I putting them on the back burner to honor others above myself, my previous mind set?

I spent a little time last night in quiet contemplation about what my needs actually are, vs my previously fabricated ideal of that I thought I needed. When all the layers of BS are stripped away, I have very little needs. I have a few wants, but they aren't exactly possible or feasible at the moment. All of my needs are aspects that can be taken care of (that must be taken care of) by myself. I am solely responsible for my own needs. I can't depend on or trust anyone else to take care of them for me, since most of them live within me. My wants are a little different. I want to be able to share experiences with others. I want to be able to move forward in a career that feels better suited to me. I want to have my own place, where I am free to spend time alone, or with friends, without feeling like I'm on edge. I want to feel safe.

Again, most of these wants are entirely dependent on me, but I also acknowledge that I don't want to be on the road of self discovery and mindfulness alone all the time either. I am not a completely solitary person by nature, and I think wanting companionship on occasion is not a weakness or a fault. I like spending time with people. Spending physical time together doesn't always work out, as some of my closest friends are spread from one side of this continent to the other. For my local friends there are scheduling conflicts and life just happens. I don't hold that against anyone or resent them for it. When friends have said "I hope you don't take my distance personally," I can say with confidence that I am actively mindful of it. I don't take it personally.

My therapist said something the other day that made me a little uncomfortable. She said that I should think about and figure out what the purpose is behind some of my closest relationships. While I appreciate where she was going with that statement, it seemed a daunting task to make a list of what each of my friends "bring to the table." She said it might be a good exercise as I continue to evaluate my needs and wants, and to better understand who I can reliably reach out to when I feel I need support along the journey. I told her it made me nervous, and when she asked why, I told her not all the lessons I have to learn from people are offered up front right off the bat. She said that I had a point, but that I should still take a look at my friendships and really think about who can offer what in forms of support. I have avoided this exercise in the past, mostly out of a fabricated fear that I have no one I can really depend on when I truly need it, and I'd rather stay in a bubble of ignorant bliss.

By shedding the layers of mental garbage and pulling away from the stories I have been telling myself all these years, I do realize that it's me who had been putting up the walls all along. The made up fears of distance and disinterest gave me a false sense of being under attack, of needing to prepare myself and brace myself for the blows I assumed were coming emotionally. I gathered bricks of assumption and started building, thinking I was protecting myself.

Bricks are heavy.

I did I guided meditation once for a friend many years ago. The theme was putting down stones. That the pebbles and stones and boulders of thoughts we continuously pick up in our minds are not ours to carry. They are to be acknowledged, looked at, examined closely even, but they are not to be clutched and carried. Set the stone down. Set it down.

Looking over my shoulder at the pile of bricks I've walked away from I feel a mix of emotion. Embarrassment for the time and energy I invested in creating them... and a little sense of pride for being able to recognize what they are, and for moving beyond them.

The Spaces In-Between

Just as life is made up of day and night, and song is made up of music and silence, friendships, because they are of this world, are also made up of times of being in touch and spaces in-between. Being human, we sometimes fill these spaces with worry, or we imagine the silence is some form of punishment, or we internalize the time we are not in touch with a loved one as some unexpressed change of heart.
Our minds work very hard to make something out of nothing. We can perceive silence as rejection in an instant, and then build a cold castle on the tiny imagined brick.
The only release from the tensions we weave around nothing is to remain a creature of the heart. By giving voice to the river of feelings as they flow through and through, we can stay clear and open.
In daily terms, we call this checking with each other, though most of us reduce this to a grocery list: How are you today? Do you need any milk? Eggs? Juice? Toilet paper? Though we can help each other survive with such outer kindnesses, we help each other thrive when the checking in with each other comes from a list of inner kindnesses: How are you today? Do you need any affirmation? Clarity? Support? Understanding?
When we ask these deeper questions directly, we wipe the mind clean of its misconceptions. Just as we must dust our belongings from time to time, we must wipe away what covers us when we are apart. 

I hate admitting how relevant this was to me this morning as I read it. There have been times (in the last 6 months particularly) that I have been really trying to grow in this very specific corner of my life. I absolutely used to be one of those people who would make assumptions about silence equating to disinterest, or distance meaning the other person no longer cares or feels the same way or any number of imaginary worst case scenario's. On the heels of removing myself from a very controlling relationship where silence was used as punishment, I began to realize that this fear of the silent treatment is a knee jerk reaction on my part. That part of my bizarre underlying need for reassurance has been a learned one. And it is a trait that I am working very hard on unlearning.

The "checking in" is awkward for me. I internally cringe because there are days I need a little extra reassurance, but I'm afraid to ask because I just did a check in a couple weeks ago. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of coming across as needy, whiny, jumpy, or having a complete lack of self confidence. While there may be a little truth to some of those traits, they are things I am actively working on, so I'm overly aware of them, and likely hyper sensitive about them. I have been working very hard on not taking distance personally. Everyone has their own lives, their own issues and things to deal with. It's during those spaces in-between that some of the work gets done. But I also crave communication and community. And as people pull away from me, I'm learning to respect the space they need, to give it without hurt feelings and made up stories in my head about disinterest, and am learning to understand that it likely has nothing to do with me. It's a completely different way of thinking from my past modus operandi, so it can at times feel confusing or strange. Those are the times when I need a quick reassurance that I'm pointed in the right direction, and also the times I'm most apprehensive to ask.

My angel card today is Healing. It seems entirely appropriate as healing, really, is what this is all about. Healing and growing.

Weird Day

I sat down at my computer tonight and thought "I really should write something" as this weekend has been a challenging one. Hot topics included my right and constant need to set physical boundaries with certain individuals over and over and over (multiple times over the course of one day even) and also setting standards of appropriate body images for my pre-teen daughter. Neither of which the other party wanted to address or discuss like an adult. It was uncomfortable and frustrating, and it was pointed out to me that undoubtedly the closer I get to where I need to be, the less I am going to be able to tolerate these behaviors. And it's true. I feel myself growing wary of the constant invalidation of my needs and the constant unwanted intrusion on my personal space. It's getting very hard to hold my tongue, and I can't help but feel like this is bullshit.

Then I remembered my reading from this morning.

"...the everhumbling cycle of growing strong roots comes from eating what grows from our own shit, from digesting and processing our own humanity."

I suddenly felt a surge of calm awareness. I am going to get through this okay. Not only that, but I am going to continue to grow through the bullshit and be a stronger person because of it. I've already learned so much about what healthy relationships can look like, and what I will never allow myself to tolerate ever again. I can learn from my mistakes and grow from them.

I am going to get through this okay.

.....

When I got home this evening I was on the phone. Normally I wrap up my calls before entering my parents house, but today I wasn't quite ready to hang up. My dad wasn't exactly waiting up for me, but he made the effort to come say hello. I could tell he wanted to talk, and being on the phone was a nice way to avoid it. But after I hung up the phone, I realized I should check on him and see if he needed something.

He wanted to complain.

He wanted to vent and complain and talk about the fence business, about my brothers work ethic, about his frustration with paying my brothers mortgage for the last 5 months straight, about the pain in his foot, about his fears that it isn't going to get better, about his guilt of being such a burden to my mother, about his frustrations about being so dependent still...

Then he stopped himself.

"Wow... I didn't know I had all that bottled up in there. I normally don't complain this much..."

I took a deep breath. I didn't have any fight left in me after a full day of tongue biting and keeping my guard up, so I didn't lay into him about any of it. About the inappropriateness of discussing his issues with my brother to me YET AGAIN, or the complaining about his recent foot issues to his daughter with a chronic illness that involves pain on a daily basis. Instead I told him that I could appreciate his frustrations, and that it must be really hard for him. I also told him that I was familiar with the fear of not knowing if things will ever "get better" and how to navigate the idea of a new normal. I told him I could empathize with his frustrations and sadness at watching someone else take over the business that he had grown, and doing it in a way that he himself wouldn't do. I told him that I understood where he was coming from, and that I was sorry that he was going through this.

He immediately settled down and we talked about other things. He just needed to vent and needed someone to validate how he was feeling. He thanked me for listening. I told him that someday he would have an opportunity to return the favor. I probably should have told him I would send him a bill for $120 for being his therapist, hahaha!

For Beauty

As stillness in stone to silence is wed,
May solitude foster your truth in word. 

As a river flows in ideal sequence,
May your soul reveal where time is presence. 

As the moon absolves the dark of distance,
May your style of thought bridge the difference. 

As the breath of light awakens color,
May the dawn anoint your eyes with wonder. 

As spring rain softens the earth with surprise,
May your wintery places be kissed by light. 

As the ocean dreams to the joy of dance,
May the grace of change bring you elegance. 

As clay anchors a tree in light and wind,
May your outer life grow from peace within. 

As twilight pervades the belief of night,
May beauty sleep lightly within your heart.  

-John O'Donohue
To Bless the Space Between Us

As I was fumbling around yesterday, attempting to get ready for an interview while also trying to will away a looming headache, I realized that I didn't feel attractive on the outside. I curled my hair, I did my eyes, and I joked that I was "pretending to look pretty." But I didn't look pretty. I didn't feel pretty. I looked like every other woman my age who is tired, sick, slightly overweight, and starting their lives over at 38. Curled hair and a little mascara doesn't transform who you are, how others view you, but these are the weapons of war that are handed to little girls and instilled that without them, we are not "put together" - this is our war paint. If you don't "put your face on," you are somehow viewed as being lazy, disorganized, frumpy, depressed...

I dislike makeup. Always have. Partly because my mother wasn't a fan and didn't really teach me how to use it, and partly because I have always felt that it was a form of hiding - a form of deception. Applying makeup to others is an art form - one that I find to be interesting from an artistic standpoint, but I don't like being my own canvas.

With me, what you see is what you get. Yes, I'll occasionally do my hair so it doesn't look like a ratty wig, but that is about it. I'll wax or shave every once in a while, but it isn't important to me. I've never been one of those women who's worth was dependent on the silkiness of her legs. I recently attempted an armpit detox and switched to all natural products. After giving it a go for a couple months, I've switched back to my regular deodorant as I quickly grew tired of stinking the second I broke any kind of a sweat. Apparently I do have some standards after all. And yet... I feel like there is this constant standard that I'm supposed to adhere to. That I'm supposed to be pretty.

But I don't feel pretty. I never have.

My husband used to compliment me all the time. To the point of annoyance. He still does. But it feels so shallow, and it's always superficial. Compliments are always based on my looks. Put a little makeup on and he's all over me like a rash. He doesn't understand why I don't blush and thank him for pointing out how I look. He doesn't understand that how I look is not a measure of my worth in my own eyes, so he's merely complimenting only a facade.

The greatest compliment I have ever received was from someone saying that they could see how far I've come - that they can see the ways in which I'm growing and learning and really diving into the "hard work."  Compliments on the work you put into the inside are so much fewer and farther between, but these are the compliments that matter to me.

So as I read John O'Donohue's poem above this morning, it moved me. There is beauty in change. There is beauty in shifting from darkness to light. There is beauty in being present. There is beauty in grace. There is beauty in growth. This is where my beauty lies. Others may not see it right away, but I know it's there. It's not in the number on the scale, or how youthful a foundation makes my skin look... God doesn't care what eye shadow makes my eyes "pop," and frankly, neither do I.

That's not to say I'm going to let myself completely go to shit. I do want to be the healthiest physical form of myself to continue my emotional and spiritual growth, within my control. Heal my body as best I can while I continue to heal my heart and mind.

I don't want to be pretty.

I want to be beautiful. 
Full of beauty.