Walks Among the Stones

I made a joke about having one foot in the grave to a friend recently, to which they said I was being silly. "Dont forget, I have an open, candid, and almost warm relationship with Death."

"Ah yes. Your walks among the stones..."

That... wasnt at all what I meant or was referring to, but it moved me nonetheless. I DO love my walks among the stones. I've spent a bit of time with my friend David's headstone. I never make a public announcement, I dont throw things out into the spotlight of social media, I just spend some time with him privately and then go about my day.

I miss my friend, but I'm also thankful for a place to "visit him" outside of my own mind.

-------------------

I've withdrawn from social media. I've withdrawn from posting here. But I havent withdrawn from living life... in fact the opposite is true. I've been working at a job I love for just over a month now. Im excited to go to work each day. Im excited to learn new things. I'm appreciated for my efforts. It's an incredible feeling.

I've met someone. LOCAL. And they are incredibly emotionally supportive, thoughtful, open to communication, funny, positive, and has a similar outlook to life that I do. I really really like them and can see myself in a long term relationship. One that actually works and is healthy!

I've started painting again. Dreaming again. Swimming again. Getting myself into a good place.

I'm happy

From Elizabeth Gilbert:

Dear Ones:

I want to share something beautiful with you today. This is a map of the Mississippi River, created in 1944 by a cartographer named Harold Fisk.

It’s called a “meander map”.

It demonstrates all the various paths that the Mississippi has taken over the millennia. The different colors represent moments in history when the river jumped her banks and changed her course dramatically. Native Americans used to move their settlements along with the river’s constant shifts and changes, but Americans saw things differently. In the 1940s, the Army Corps of Engineers decided to lock down the Mississippi River into a certain course. They built walls and levees and declared: “These are now the official boundaries of the Mississippi. She doesn’t move an inch from HERE.”

Nature, of course, has had different plans.

I’m bringing this up today, because I’ve been thinking lately about the ways that I keep trying to control my own nature. I see the rules and boundaries that I have set for myself over the years, and how often they have failed. I think about the vows I’ve made to myself and others about where I’m going to be next year, or who I am going to be next year. Endless, expensive, stress-inducing efforts to civilize the river of my being.

But if you were to look at the history of my life, it looks a lot like this map right here. This map could be a portrait of my heart’s own journey.

Maybe yours, too.

I often say that, after a certain age, every woman in the world could write a memoir called: NOT WHAT I PLANNED. We change. Life changes. We often feel shame, confusion and anger about about those shifts and pivots. But what  if we just trusted the river? She seems to know where she wants to go.

Onward.

You Can't Go Back...

What is the old saying?

You can't go back and change the beginning,
But you can start today to change the ending.

So let's take a deep breath and start 2019 over again.

Choices

I feel like I have taken a couple steps backwards lately. And by a couple, I mean many.

I'm back to sleeping on the ex's couch out of convenience. I entertained the thought (again) of getting together with my MN ex. This time I bailed out. He said he wanted to move to Michigan, to be with me... but he wanted me to take care of him "for a change." He wanted me to write up his resume, find him a job, and support us both.

Um. No.

I asked him what his problem was, when he claims to also love the woman hes currently living with... one who pays the rent. One who feeds him. One who is ALREADY TAKING CARE OF HIM. Unreal...

At least I saw it for what it was and cut him out of my life. Permanently this time. I've blocked his number, blocked his social media, and even removed him from my linkedin contacts. He has no way to contact me.

But it leaves me feeling vulnerable. Fooled. Unwanted (even though I pulled the plug, he was still in love with someone else). Unattractive. Lonely...

Part of me wants to rebound and screw anything that moves to prove my sexual worth to myself, but hello, that is incredibly unhealthy and screams of codependency. So I'm not.

Yay progress.

I'm choosing, again, to pick me first. I am my own first choice. I will never be runner up again. I respect myself enough to knock it off.

Ghost

I saw a ghost today. Pulling off of my parents street onto the main road I saw a familiar car. A familiar driver. I dont know if they saw me. If they recognized my car, even with its newly smashed rear end from a recent accident. I refused to make eye contact and was later puzzled by some erratic driving on their part. I thought back to this time last year. A poorly hatched plot to get back together with my ex boyfriend. Struggling to be happy for a "friend" while my heart was breaking.

Sometimes these ghosts pass through me and I have to take a look at why they visit me. My ex boyfriend has been erased from my life again. He recently reached out and I let myself get overwhelmed. But when I asked if he loved his current girlfriend, he said yes. I had heard enough. Everything blocked and deleted. No more. I will never entertain another thought for him. I refuse to be a backup plan.

It felt right to erase him from my life. I'm finally at a place to let go of it all without panic of what ifs.

That chapter is finally fully closed. I even unpacked most of the boxes from my move back to MI.

I had long forgiven the ghost in the drivers seat. We are all doing the best that we can. He looked content.

More later, but this was bouncing around in my head tonight.

Deserving

I've never been very good at asking for what I want. For demanding what I feel I deserve. Not at work. Not in platonic relationships. Not in romantic relationships. I have always just accepted what I was handed, harboring secret (and not so secret) resentment along the way. I ran away to MN under the shadow of a lie to go where I wanted and to be with whom I wanted. I was dishonest, but I put myself first. I didnt go about it the right way.

But I learned from that experience. I came clean. I opened up. I embraced honesty at whatever cost. I survived.

This week I had an interview. It went exceptionally well. I received an offer that was "okay," but not mind blowing by any means. I turned in my 2 week notice and for the first time was offered a counter. "What will it take to keep you here? We dont want to lose you."

So I said what I wanted.

And I got it. No strings attached.

I put it out there what I needed and it was given to me.

BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.

Things are turning around. Big things are brewing. Things beyond all imagination. I deserve so much more... this is just the beginning!

2 Weeks Vegan

2 weeks vegan! I've lost 6 lbs, my psoriasis is essentially gone, and I'm feeling pretty positive about this lifestyle. I'm not craving anything in particular and I think this transition was easier than I expected.

I still am experiencing joint pain, and I'm emotionally out of whack, but that might be due to the continued detox process. My days feel more stressful, but there isnt anything in particular causing it. I'm just... overwhelmed.

But! I'm focusing on self care. I did my first float therapy session and it was incredible. I bought 2 more. I loved feeling weightless and held. I'm looking forward to trying it again soon.

I'm exhausted and going to bed. I'll update more soon.

Off and Running! (Well, Walking)

I've made a couple smoothies, both of which I would consider successful. I find myself randomly craving water, which has NEVER happened before, and I exceeded my 6,000 step goal for the day. I managed to get a little sun burned, but it was a good day. The wind in my hair, the spray of the waves crashing cooling my skin, a chance encounter with a swan. I was close enough to touch it... but rather than behave like an arrogant human, I thanked it for sharing its space with me as I walked by. It didnt even hiss at me, just stretched and resumed preening.

Physically I feel the same. My left knee blew up to about the size of a softball after all the walking, and I had to soak in an Epsom bath. But my mental state feels better. Clearer. I've created some space to work some things out with less distraction or interruption, and I've needed that to focus on me.

It's not selfish. Its self care.  

Back to Basics

When I first started this blog, it was a way for me to collect all my health data in one place. To share my medical journey with whomever happened to stumble upon it. I kept track of symptoms, injuries, and medical diagnosis. In the last couple years my blog gives the impression that maybe I have stabilized, that my health is fine, so I shifted gears to focus and share more openly about my mental health.

I've been leaving details out. I've been ignoring pain, ignoring symptoms, and not being honest with myself and everyone else. Mostly because I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and disappear from myself for a little while.

So much for than mental health bit, huh?

So I am bringing it back to basics. I'm going to reexamine my physical health and chronical any changes I see. As it stands, I am taking OTC pain medication nearly daily, I wince everytime I have to stand up, and I can no longer stand in one spot for a prolonged period without pain. Legs, hips, shoulders... the extremities are all inflamed. My lack of movement means I've gained a bit of weight, and its gross, but the weight of my own arms is pulling my shoulders out of the sockets. Ouch! I have tendonitis in both hands and wrists, my tendons in my thumbs slip out frequently (tendon sheath disintegration suspect - the burning is similar to when my wrist "melted" itself). Chewing becomes a challenge at the end of the day. I'm tired... so tired... but no amount of sleep makes me feel rested. My psoriasis has returned in full force... my skin that is usually soft is becoming rough and elephant like in patches. Only a couple times in my life have I ever stopped and looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was actively dying. This is one of those times.

I'm dying.

Now this does not make me unique or special by any means. We are ALL dying (mortality rate being 100% and all), but in this very moment I am not actively living. I have been feeling myself very quietly slipping into the space of no return, and those closest to me have noticed it too. So my mother invited me to join her at a conference about diet and nutrition to break the cycle of inflammation.

I'm game to listen to anything that doesnt involve me taking narcotics, being treated with chemotherapy, or being put in a wheelchair. All of which are on the path I'm currently traveling.

Nope!

So I listened to this keynote speaker. I actively listened and took notes. I was impressed. I got excited. I started to have hope that maybe, just maybe, I could be the captain in turning this ship around. Am I expecting a cure? Absolutely not. But I'm willing to try anything at this point to even just have pain let up a little bit. THAT would be a victory.

I chatted with the speaker after her presentation. I bought her book and she signed my copy. I asked if she had seen patients with Ehlers Danlos and completed any case studies. She said the community has shown interest in her protocol, but no one has actually completed it for case study.

I told her she does now.

I've spent the week meal planning and getting all my tools together. Charting out the mission and the best course of action.

6 weeks.

The protocol is 6 weeks of hyper nurturing my body to help turn off chronic inflammation and maybe, just maybe, start doing a little healing too. Parts of the protocol have me nervous (drinking 96oz of water a day minimum?? I dont drink that much over several days!) but I'm also feeling confident that THIS ISNT GOING TO MAKE ME WORSE. Maybe it wont help, but it certainly isnt going to make me feel worse. Nothing in the protocol will hurt me.

I'm mentally prepared for the toxin dump that will be the first week or so. I know I will feel sick as toxins, heavy metals, and cellular waste is released. Gotta push out the bad stuff with good stuff. But theres a light at the end of the tunnel.

As I mentioned earlier, I'll keep track of what feels different here. That old "hold yourself accountable" thing. Who knows, maybe this will have enough benefits that I can take it back to the EDS community.

Cautiously optimistic.

In the meantime, while I'm doing all this super awesome life changing body healing (and undoubtedly pooping my brains out) I plan on using this time to detox my mind and heart as well. Getting back in the pool. Gentle yoga. Things that move the body, yet clear the mind. More meditations.

More self care and self love.

I asked my Higher Power to show me the way. This was what they laid out before me. Rather than look with a skeptical eye and lament not eating cheese for 6 weeks, I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting this Dr with something completely off the wall, yet speaks to my inner medicinal plant loving soul.

I'm going to nourish my body. I'm going to eat like it matters.

Stop Waiting...

Somethings Wrong

I've had a nagging sensation for a while now that I've been promptly ignoring. I've blown things off and pretended everything was fine. I've been telling everyone, myself included, that everything is fine. A little tired maybe, but otherwise fine.

I'm not.

I'm trying to make an appointment with a new rheumatologist. I have been in significant pain for the last 2 months. My shoulders and wrists are on fire most of the time. I tendons are slipping in places they didnt before. I've had a low grade fever for a while.

I want them to retest me for lupus.

Something is not right, and I can feel it. Quite literally in my bones.

The rest is up you you...

I have been witness to a lot of struggle recently. Mental, physical, spiritual. I saw this post on Instagram and it felt comforting to me. In a world full of chaos and uncertainty, there is only one constant... but I dont interpret this as doom and gloom. It's a reminder to make the most of my life - to not focus on the end, but to FOCUS ON THE LIVING. We can all toss around cliches about "making a new start this very moment" and "making the best out of what we have." 

Why not? 

Let's do just that. Make a new start. Set a glorious new intention and see what happens. 

Depression is a Liar

I attended Dave's funeral yesterday. I slipped in quietly, signed the guest book, and sat in the back. The chapel was packed. Standing room only. Stories were shared, tears were shed, and songs were sung. The rabbi said something that stuck with me: Depression is a Liar.

It moved me.

It moved me to reach out to a few friends and share the message. We are all doing the best we can, and sometimes the lies speak louder than the truth. Sometimes depression wins.

I should say more, but I'm feeling pretty quiet and reflective in this moment. I hope everyone is doing well. ❤

David

It was a year ago on my birthday when I saw you last. You were in attendance at my sister in laws funeral for her father. Worlds collided after many years apart when we realized that you were best friends with my sisters baby brother. We joked about high school memories. We laughed about awkward crushes, the "pretzel position," and a slew of other memories. We exchanged numbers and agreed to get dinner sometime. Fast forward one year and you wished me a happy belated birthday April 6th.

I wonder if you already had made your mind up at that point that you would take your own life the next night?

I will miss your infectious smile, your nervous and slightly awkward laugh, the way you'd stand ever so slightly too close when we talked. I will miss it all, my friend.

I'm sorry you were hurting and alone and took your own life.

Damn, Dave.

May you be at peace.

Stop Apologizing...

A Year

It's amazing what can change and what can stay the same in a years time. A year ago I held space of witness as my beautiful and kind sister in law lost and buried her father. I held space and bore witness to a friend just beginning his journey of healing his own heart. A year ago I was holding my breath, afraid that I might lose my own father.

This year I spent the 4th with many of the same people, my family, my sister in law, my father, and the feeling was very different. We all felt genuinely grateful to be together for my birthday. Glad that we were all together.

There were a few people who were once important to me that probably dont even realize that it was my birthday. Those people no longer matter. The people who DO matter thought of me, reached out, and were there to celebrate another passing year of life. MY life.

39. Big changes are in store for this year.

Hold on to your butts.

Priorities

For many of us, an average day feels like a scramble of urgent tasks. Its the buzz of an incoming text and the flash of a fresh email. And it feels satisfying to complete these timely to-dos. But as we tend to the seemingly urgent, there's a danger that we neglect the deeply important. And there's a crucial distinction to understand. Often what feels urgent is actually unimportant, it just feels important. Imagine for a moment your phone ringing. The vibration. The ring tone. The caller ID. But instead of picking up, imagine letting the call go to voicemail. How does it feel to sit with it? You might notice an anxiousness in your chest. We're used to picking up calls because they feel urgent. But if we really think about it, an incoming call can usually wait. In an ideal world, we would get to everything... but it's impossible. So how can we let go of what feels urgent, and make room for whats actually important? Well, in the words of Stephen Covey, "The key is not to prioritize whats on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities." So the first step is to get clear on whats important. Try making a list of whats of higher, deeper importance to you. Maybe is working on that book project, spending time with family, or the self-care of diet, exercise, and rest. And with our priorities defined, when we're pulled towards a request or email, the second step is to take a second to pause and ponder "can this wait?" Would acting on this task serve my deeper priorities? As we give more care to our priorities, we get better and devoting time to the truly important undertakings in life. It's never easy, but with discipline, we can take back our time. 

It's been a strange couple weeks. I've tackled some emotional hurdles, let go of some "moments that are not ours to keep," started another new job, and have really redirected my focus on my codependency steps. I've started my second workbook and have been reading it on my lunch breaks at the new job.

The new position is complicated, but I'm catching on to the scope of our line of business fairly quickly, and I suspect my position will expand quite quickly. They have already determined that they would like me to manage an entire database and get it up and running. So I must be doing something right 5 days into the new job!

I took a little trip this past weekend back to MN. It wasn't quite how I expected... I was anxious and nervous, on edge, and pretty terrified of running into certain individuals who I had no intention of ever seeing again. I didn't see them. I was relieved. I had a lovely time otherwise, but it was overwhelming; all the old memories flooding me. On the one hand, I felt vulnerable and stupid... on the other, I felt a sense of pride in overcoming some old fears.

I love MN, but I'm not sure I'll ever return.

It no longer feels like home.

So now it's time to take a look over my priorities. What are they? What do they look like? It's about that time of year again - Time to do a little spring cleaning of the soul.

Stories

We have these engraved stories about who we are. Some of them are positive stories, others not so much. These stories can go way back into our past and are often formed by a parent, a friend, a boss or colleague. Sometimes all it takes is one persons opinion to create a story that can last a lifetime. Someone says something that makes us decide we're not smart, that we're unattractive, that we're weak, that we're a failure. From the moment that story begins, it continues to dictate our beliefs. It forms and limits our ideas about who we are, what we're good at, and what we're not. The stories we tell ourselves inform us of what risks we should and shouldn't take. If these beliefs make us feel self critical, insecure, or doubtful about our competency, we often second guess ourselves and lose self trust and courage. Sometimes we need to change our stories, and that starts by challenging them. We can do this with some reflective inquiry. We can ask, who created that story? When was it created? Is it entirely true? Does that story serve us to sustain? If not, can we let it go? And slowly, over time, we begin to tell ourselves new stories. Fresh stories that build our confidence in growth. Stories that are empowering and will provide us the opportunity to be the best version of ourselves. As Maryann Williamson said, "Let go of your story, so the universe can write a new one for you." Take a moment now to consider what stories you've been carrying and are ready to release. 

Tamara Levitt - Daily Calm

A New Response

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

I was trying to decide how I've been feeling the last 24 hours or so. I'm not feeling what I anticipated I would, and it's a new sensation for me.

The week of February 22 typically is an emotionally shut down one for me, as I remember the day that Joe died and offer silent prayers to his surviving family and friends. This year feels different. His roommate put up a Facebook charitable event for his birthday (also the 22nd), donations going towards the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I would have donated anonymously if I could, but I at least changed the settings so only myself and the roommate could see it. It's not a donation I'm ready to make publicly, but it's a charity I wasn't emotionally ready to support before now. But I did so, and it felt good to honor Joe's memory (and his roommates birthday) by helping others to choose a different path.

A couple hours later another ghost of my past crept out of the woodwork, letting me know that his mother had just passed away by suicide. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised or shocked by this news. I had a feeling for a long time this was coming, but I offered my condolences just the same, as losing a parent is never a minor thing, and losing someone you love to suicide adds a whole other level of complicated feelings. In the past my reaction would have been to be triggered. To tailspin in my own grief, yet saying nothing, and going above and beyond to try to help this person from my past.

But I didn't.

I said my condolences and I let it be.

I didn't obsessively look for obituaries, stalk social media for whether or not he was lying (which was usually the case in the past), or offer to meet him to talk. I said I was sorry for his loss, which I am, and I let it go. All the rest of it isn't any of my business. This is a different approach for me, and I'm thankful for it.

I feel... Okay.

It's now a time to reflect on everything I've learned and overcome, and I do so without panic, anxiety, or overwhelming negativity. I will not say that I am finally "over it," but my reflections on the matter have changed. I feel more comfortable with talking about it. I feel more at ease with acknowledging things as they arise, and then being able to let them go. There isn't a frantic urgency in my brain that makes me freeze, utterly paralyzed with fear.

In this present moment, I am standing in a different place than I was before. My perceptions are a little different. My reactions a little more thoughtful and a little less auto-reactionary/negative. I am practicing more self awareness and loving kindness.

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

Change

Today in meditation I explored how the nature of change makes life impossible to predict. Everything is constantly in a forward momentum, and the only thing that determines whether it is fortuitous or unfortunate is my reaction.

I did get a little down last night, but this morning I woke with a renewed spirit of gratitude. I am so lucky to have 2 places that need my help in this present moment that are willing to pay me for my time. So I am shifting my focus a bit on who I'm helping when, but I'm still going to help both. This will help my financial situation tremendously. Perhaps it is "unfortunate" that both positions are short term, but on the other hand, this might end up being a complete blessing too. It is too soon to make that sort of judgement, and quite frankly I don't want to extend any more negative energy on it.

The bad news is nothing lasts forever. 

 
The good news is nothing lasts forever. 

I'm getting more and more comfortable with the impermanence of... well... everything. I somehow seem to get thrown curve balls a lot, but I'm getting better at thoughtfully stepping out of the way of them, rather than getting drilled when I "didn't see it coming" and then bitching and complaining about my misfortune and pain for a great while after.

My interest in self sabotage and hurt is dwindling. Now THAT is something I can recognize with certainty as fortuitous!

Or Not...

So that unraveled faster than I anticipated. Apparently the former boss held 2 interviews this week and is having the candidates submit writing samples and will likely make an offer by the end of the week.

I just got my login information yesterday.

I've been staring at my computer all morning waiting for my access to update so I could start actually working.

I could have been helping out at the chiropractor, WHERE THEY ACTUALLY NEEDED ME TODAY.

I'm frustrated. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm trying to detach myself and look at why I am feeling the way that I am. Being disappointed and frustrated are completely normal and legitimate emotional responses. It's okay and understandable for me to be feeling this way.

And while there is the little voice in the back of my head that is smirking, laughing in disgust at my excitement that I deserved to have something go right, I've noticed a change there. It's a little voice. It's not an ominous din. It's little and I see it and I acknowledge it's presence, which sends it hissing away.

My last several meditations have been exceptionally appropriate in providing me with awareness, healthy coping mechanisms, and perspective, given my current circumstance.

The first was on Sophrosyne:

Whether it's electronics, clothes, or indulgent food, our days are filled with ever increasing forms of consumption. Perhaps we do it to cope with busyness, or numb ourselves from stress or anxiety. Maybe we're enticed by images in entertainment, in advertising and social media. But if we don't challenge these impulses and influences, we end up overeating, binge watching, or buying things we don't really need. Sophrosyne is an ancient Greek word that describes a healthy approach to moderation based on a deep sense of self awareness. This philosophy begins by acknowledging our excesses, and then mindfully recognizing the difference between need and want. Once we recognize how and why we over consume, sophrosyne suggests that we focus on what we will gain, rather than what we will lose, by changing our habits. With this mindset, moderation isn't a constraint on our wishes and pleasures, but rather it's a source of balance of health and peace. Of course, change takes time and effort, and it's important we face our excesses with patience and compassion, especially if we slip up. So the next time you have the urge to watch, or shop, or feast, keep in mind the philosophy of sophrosyne. Start by asking, is this a need? Or a want? Imagine the peace of mind you'll gain if you invest your afternoon in activity that's truly meaningful. Consider the money you'll save when your budget prioritizes needs over indulgences. Think of the extra space you'll have in your home without clutter. Mindful moderation helps us create contentment as we reap the benefits of increased health, savings, and wisdom. "Out of moderation, a pure happiness springs." 

What does this have to do with a job being pulled out from under my feet again? Plenty! Rather than focusing on the "have not's" of this situation and being overwhelmed to the point of eating my feelings, I'm instead going to focus on what I DO have. A place to work temporarily while I continue my search for the next best thing. I have a place to stay (several, actually). I have food in my belly. My children are provided for and I have just enough to get by. I do not have a need for clothes, going out to eat, or splurging in many other ways, so I am able to comfortably keep things to a minimum. To live in moderation without feeling like I am living in uncomfortable restraint.

Another was on the Wishing Tree. It's an old story, that deep in a forest there lived a wishing tree, and that whatever you thought about, it was granted. A home, fortune, and a beautiful spouse were all granted to a man one day because it was what he thought he wished for. But when he started to doubt his luck, to think that he wasn't worthy of such wonderful things, the tree took them away. He thought he wasn't worthy, and so he wasn't. So he walked away, grumbling under his breath that nothing good ever happened to him. He chose not to stay present, to be content and deserving of the positive things in his life, and so he lost them.

I don't want to be that man. I was once like that man, but I no longer have to be. I have so many other things to be grateful for in my life, that another job falling apart doesn't make me unworthy of deserving all the things that are going right and falling into place.

Am I frustrated? Yes.
Am I disappointed? Yes.

But these are temporary, and I am still so loved, so deserving and worthy of great things, regardless of a minor financial setback.

Employed At Last... sorta

After a pretty significantly frustrating and disappointing 2 weeks on the job hunt front, I have found myself returning to employment for my boss in MN. It is temporary. It is part time. It is remote. But "temporary" with him could easily become 6 months, as it did last year. I have also offered to come to MN once a month to do any in house scanning and filing that needs to be completed. He is sending me a new computer tower, so that I will have access to the VPN (which I didnt have before and cut my productivity in half). My goal is to prove that we can make this work permanently.

So now I have a project of tidying up my desk, prepping my workspace to be a functional office again, and being thankful for another opportunity to have a steady income. I have been so blessed to be helping at the chiropractor, but I also know that position is drawing to a close quite rapidly. I am grateful for the experience and the money!

-------

I have made the decision that I am going to be my healthiest (and hottest!) on my 40th birthday. I have started the painfully slow process of working my way up to proper cardio, without injuring myself. It's slow, but I have completed day 2 of 30 minutes of daily dedicated exercise. I've recommitted myself to a more structured and healthy diet. I am limiting myself to 1 cup of coffee per day. I want to be the healthiest I have ever been.

It's a good feeling.