A New Response

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace

I was trying to decide how I've been feeling the last 24 hours or so. I'm not feeling what I anticipated I would, and it's a new sensation for me.

The week of February 22 typically is an emotionally shut down one for me, as I remember the day that Joe died and offer silent prayers to his surviving family and friends. This year feels different. His roommate put up a Facebook charitable event for his birthday (also the 22nd), donations going towards the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I would have donated anonymously if I could, but I at least changed the settings so only myself and the roommate could see it. It's not a donation I'm ready to make publicly, but it's a charity I wasn't emotionally ready to support before now. But I did so, and it felt good to honor Joe's memory (and his roommates birthday) by helping others to choose a different path.

A couple hours later another ghost of my past crept out of the woodwork, letting me know that his mother had just passed away by suicide. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised or shocked by this news. I had a feeling for a long time this was coming, but I offered my condolences just the same, as losing a parent is never a minor thing, and losing someone you love to suicide adds a whole other level of complicated feelings. In the past my reaction would have been to be triggered. To tailspin in my own grief, yet saying nothing, and going above and beyond to try to help this person from my past.

But I didn't.

I said my condolences and I let it be.

I didn't obsessively look for obituaries, stalk social media for whether or not he was lying (which was usually the case in the past), or offer to meet him to talk. I said I was sorry for his loss, which I am, and I let it go. All the rest of it isn't any of my business. This is a different approach for me, and I'm thankful for it.

I feel... Okay.

It's now a time to reflect on everything I've learned and overcome, and I do so without panic, anxiety, or overwhelming negativity. I will not say that I am finally "over it," but my reflections on the matter have changed. I feel more comfortable with talking about it. I feel more at ease with acknowledging things as they arise, and then being able to let them go. There isn't a frantic urgency in my brain that makes me freeze, utterly paralyzed with fear.

In this present moment, I am standing in a different place than I was before. My perceptions are a little different. My reactions a little more thoughtful and a little less auto-reactionary/negative. I am practicing more self awareness and loving kindness.

May I Be Happy

May I Be Safe

May I Be Healthy

May I Be at Peace