Or Not...

So that unraveled faster than I anticipated. Apparently the former boss held 2 interviews this week and is having the candidates submit writing samples and will likely make an offer by the end of the week.

I just got my login information yesterday.

I've been staring at my computer all morning waiting for my access to update so I could start actually working.

I could have been helping out at the chiropractor, WHERE THEY ACTUALLY NEEDED ME TODAY.

I'm frustrated. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm trying to detach myself and look at why I am feeling the way that I am. Being disappointed and frustrated are completely normal and legitimate emotional responses. It's okay and understandable for me to be feeling this way.

And while there is the little voice in the back of my head that is smirking, laughing in disgust at my excitement that I deserved to have something go right, I've noticed a change there. It's a little voice. It's not an ominous din. It's little and I see it and I acknowledge it's presence, which sends it hissing away.

My last several meditations have been exceptionally appropriate in providing me with awareness, healthy coping mechanisms, and perspective, given my current circumstance.

The first was on Sophrosyne:

Whether it's electronics, clothes, or indulgent food, our days are filled with ever increasing forms of consumption. Perhaps we do it to cope with busyness, or numb ourselves from stress or anxiety. Maybe we're enticed by images in entertainment, in advertising and social media. But if we don't challenge these impulses and influences, we end up overeating, binge watching, or buying things we don't really need. Sophrosyne is an ancient Greek word that describes a healthy approach to moderation based on a deep sense of self awareness. This philosophy begins by acknowledging our excesses, and then mindfully recognizing the difference between need and want. Once we recognize how and why we over consume, sophrosyne suggests that we focus on what we will gain, rather than what we will lose, by changing our habits. With this mindset, moderation isn't a constraint on our wishes and pleasures, but rather it's a source of balance of health and peace. Of course, change takes time and effort, and it's important we face our excesses with patience and compassion, especially if we slip up. So the next time you have the urge to watch, or shop, or feast, keep in mind the philosophy of sophrosyne. Start by asking, is this a need? Or a want? Imagine the peace of mind you'll gain if you invest your afternoon in activity that's truly meaningful. Consider the money you'll save when your budget prioritizes needs over indulgences. Think of the extra space you'll have in your home without clutter. Mindful moderation helps us create contentment as we reap the benefits of increased health, savings, and wisdom. "Out of moderation, a pure happiness springs." 

What does this have to do with a job being pulled out from under my feet again? Plenty! Rather than focusing on the "have not's" of this situation and being overwhelmed to the point of eating my feelings, I'm instead going to focus on what I DO have. A place to work temporarily while I continue my search for the next best thing. I have a place to stay (several, actually). I have food in my belly. My children are provided for and I have just enough to get by. I do not have a need for clothes, going out to eat, or splurging in many other ways, so I am able to comfortably keep things to a minimum. To live in moderation without feeling like I am living in uncomfortable restraint.

Another was on the Wishing Tree. It's an old story, that deep in a forest there lived a wishing tree, and that whatever you thought about, it was granted. A home, fortune, and a beautiful spouse were all granted to a man one day because it was what he thought he wished for. But when he started to doubt his luck, to think that he wasn't worthy of such wonderful things, the tree took them away. He thought he wasn't worthy, and so he wasn't. So he walked away, grumbling under his breath that nothing good ever happened to him. He chose not to stay present, to be content and deserving of the positive things in his life, and so he lost them.

I don't want to be that man. I was once like that man, but I no longer have to be. I have so many other things to be grateful for in my life, that another job falling apart doesn't make me unworthy of deserving all the things that are going right and falling into place.

Am I frustrated? Yes.
Am I disappointed? Yes.

But these are temporary, and I am still so loved, so deserving and worthy of great things, regardless of a minor financial setback.