Dealings Wiith My Father

My dad is in the hospital. Has been at a rehab facility lately, but he has not been home since Feb 12th. His back surgery had complications. I know he is in a lot of pain, and I know he is really starting to get scared. But he is also getting to be harder to handle. What he finds funny, I find offensive. He want to chit chat and take pot shots at the #metoo movement, and I (a female survivor of sexual harassment and assault) was not ready to say "you know dad, as an older white man of privilege, you would have more to learn about this by asking questions of YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS ABOUT HOW WE FEEL, rather than ignorantly spouting off about "accusation therapy."

He's on a lot of drugs.

But that also means he has no filters, so when my father rattles these things off, this is how he really sees things. So far I've learned that my father views me as the largest failure of his children, that he's always known that I was the most insecure, the weakest. I've also learned that he favors my brother above all others (this is not new, but it still stings to hear outloud). He also has no respect for my sisters life works - what she has devoted herself to for the sake of her communities greater good. Instead he jabs at her, stating things like "I am overwhelmed by your daily activities..." Alright then, stay out of her way! We have all known for a very long time that my sister vibrates at a very different wave length and takes on way more than the average person. She always has! But she also gets it all done, so who am I to judge her? Rather than call her overwhelming, dad, try asking if there is anything you can do to help, or get involved! 

So I attempted to redirect my father, asking him to focus on kindness. I sent some quotes. Nudged him along. Apparently he stewed on it overnight and came to some pretty crazy conclusions that I hated him and he was now "in trouble." While he wasn't exactly right... he wasn't wrong either.

What my father doesn't know about his insecure failure of a daughter, is that I am the one taking care of everyone else behind the scenes. I've been cooking for my mother, taking care of his pets, and I'm the one offering emotional support to my brother (who is ready to disowned my dad) and my sister (who is extremely offended by my father a good majority of the time). My mother recently said she was so glad I was back. That she considers me the glue that keeps us all held together as a family.

And my father is oblivious to what I have to offer in this family.

A lot of my meditations lately have focused on letting things go. I'm not clinging to these interactions with my father like a spiteful security blanket. He has shown me he really knows very little about me at all. I'm putting it down so I can look it over, acknowledge how it makes me feel in this moment, and move on.