Too Much

I am completely overwhelmed right now, I don't even know where to start...


Last night I worked on my sister in law's hair as she wanted to take it back to blonde for her father who was dying. I did my best and it turned out looking really natural and she was quite pleased. She was holding back tears as she looked at it in the mirror... "I just hope he gets a chance to see it..." I told her that he would definitely see it, and that he would love it, even if he didn't see it with his physical eyes. She nodded and we broke eye contact. I knew she wasn't ready to feel her feelings yet, and I certainly am not one to push that on anyone else.


Then left to go check on my kid who had a fever of 104.7. Sadness was replaced by a little fear for my son, but a little Tylenol and he was fine again. He just gets random high fevers, then they are gone. Spent the night with them in case his fever got worse and needed an ER visit. It was awkward and I didn't really sleep well. Plus my mother texted late that my father had thrown up again.


Woke up this morning knowing that the vet would be at the house at 11 to put my beloved ancient cat to sleep. I just had a feeling I should reach out to my SIL, so I sent her a simple text that just said that I loved her. She sent one back that her father had passed a little while ago. I was shocked and stunned. It was so fast! I told her I was so sorry, but that is never really the right thing to say. There are no "right things" to say.


Had breakfast with the kids, snuggled with the cat, and explained to my very sad little boy yet again why we were putting her down. That this was a kindness we offered her. That we were ending her suffering and that we would get to see her again. Originally he wanted to be present for the whole ordeal, but in the final hour he decided it was too much to watch his friend die, so he went in the other room with his sister. Their father said his goodbyes and I was relieved when he left the room to hang out with the kids. Pandora's passing was quick and peaceful. It was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted for her, what I want for everyone I love. My SIL's father also passed quickly and peacefully. I marveled at the gentleness of it all. I said a tearful goodbye as the vet took my kitty off to be cremated.


I took a hot shower and just kind of putzed around. Cleaned the ferret's cage and let him play. Petted the dogs. After a bit I decided I needed a break and to go check on my parents. I got home and they both seemed okay. My dad was sitting up in a chair and hadn't had any more vomiting episodes, but he also said he wasn't feeling great either. I asked my mother if she wanted me to run up to the legion hall to get spaghetti to go, since the event to fundraise on my SIL's fathers behalf was still being held. She said that would be wonderful and gave me her money and a couple carry out containers.


I head up to the legion hall and explain who I am and why I'm there with carry out containers to the man at the door collecting money. He said that was absolutely no problem and told me it was only $10 when I handed him $20. I told him I was taking food for two people, and he said I was very sweet. I head to the table with food (the legion hall was absolutely packed - this was a well loved man) and started to put spaghetti into one of my containers. A woman swooped over and started yelling at me. "You can't do that! Takeout isn't allowed! We aren't doing take out!" I told her I explained to the man at the door and he said it was okay. "What man?? You can't do that!! Now everyone is going to start asking for takeout boxes and feeding their whole families! That's not what we're doing here!" I set the container down and told her I would just leave. She could keep my money. And that's when I lost it. In the middle of the legion hall. In a room full of fucking strangers. I completely broke down and started sobbing. I was trying to do a nice thing for my parents, I was trying to be supportive of my SIL, I had asked permission in advance both at the door and FROM THE FAMILY, and here was this woman screaming at me. When I turned to walk away, clearly bawling, she grabbed my arm. "I can't serve this now, you may as well take it." Wow lady. That was really fucking generous of you. I told her she had made her point. She could keep my money and the containers I brought. I just wanted to leave. She softened a smidge and said "Well you may as well take some salad too." I told her that was very kind of her, but there was no chance in hell I was taking anything else. She made the rules clear and I just wanted to get the fuck out. She put my container of spaghetti in my hand and I didn't even hear what she said after that, I was walking out.


I may have run. But before I knew it I was back in my car, sitting in that parking lot, just bawling. I couldn't stop. I had met my breaking point and pushed myself right on through it. When I was finally calm enough to drive I took the forbidden spoils from the legion hall (that I paid for and had permission to take) back to my parents. My mom could tell I was upset and asked how it was. "Well that was a disaster..." I told her what happened and she kept saying that she was sorry - that she put me in that position. I reminded her I had offered to go, and she said she gave me the carry out containers. I told her it wasn't her fault and she still said she was sorry.


I took a deep breath and told my mom that everyone processes things differently. Maybe this lady was struggling with his passing. Maybe she was in charge of the spaghetti and was overwhelmed by the incredible turn out and was afraid of running out. Maybe she was just a grumpy old biker chick who was a stickler for rules. Who knows. But more likely than not, her nasty reaction towards me likely had very little to nothing to do with me. And if I hadn't already had grief doing a tap dance on my heart, I would have been more compassionate in the moment. Me busting into tears had very little to do with her too, or so it would seem. Though I've never handled being yelled at well, and she was mean. Maybe we both just caught each other at the worst possible moment.


Mom just sorta blinked at me and said that was a good point. I started to cry again. After I got it together, I walked upstairs and started typing. I needed to get today out... so I could get it out. Let it go.


I'm done with today. I need a break.