Santosha

I woke up in a strange mood after another restless night and could feel the cold fingers of my anxiety slipping under the surface, the cruel inner voice that whispers "there's no place for you... You will never be enough..." It's like a strangling sensation that bubbles up like thick oil from those deep, dark places inside of me. A strange, unfounded panic that I need to feel... needed. Wanted. I know all to well that it is my own insecurity that fuels these episodes of self doubt. Where I just want to reach out to someone, anyone, and feel like I am important. Like my father, my own beseeching of "please."

Such a contrast to yesterday, where I felt like I was in the right place at the right time with my father. I was able to be present and helpful and it felt good to have that connection. Now I feel awkward and underfoot. Not just with my dad, but a general disconnect everywhere. I don't really know where I fit into the bigger picture, and today I'm acknowledging that it feels a little unsettling in this moment.

Rather than wallow around in my self deprecation, paralyzed by my own inner cruelty, I made the decision to reach into my bag of coping skills and see what happens. I acknowledged how I was feeling, allowing myself to look at it, not run from it, and take a detached look at why I was feeling that way. Then, to calm the whispered hiss of my self doubt and insecurity, I sat down to listen to my daily meditation.

It's easy to succumb to thoughts of inadequacy and lack. We can get fixated on thoughts like I'll finally be okay when I reach my goal weight or get that better job or find that relationship. Once I have this, everything will be fine. The stories we tell ourselves about our lives suggest there's always something missing. Some incomplete piece keeping us from happiness. It's natural to have goals, we all want to grow and evolve, to challenge ourselves. But it becomes unhealthy when we base our happiness on achieving an ever illusive external goal.  

In Sanskrit there's a beautiful word, Santosha. "San" means completely or entirely. And "tosha" is acceptance or contentment. So together, santosha means complete contentment. Santosha captures the idea of finding satisfaction with who we are, right now. It doesn't mean that everything is dandy, that we can sit back and do nothing. It simply means accepting and appreciating what we have and who we are already, and then moving forward from that foundation of contentment. Its the feeling of there being enough.  

So today, spend a moment reflecting on the narrative you tell yourself about your life. Is there something you've built up in your mind as the key to future happiness? A promotion? A relationship? A financial goal? When we rely on external factors as the key to happiness, we only perpetuate our discontentment. Once we buy that new house or loose those 20 pounds, there's always a new desire on the horizon. So to truly realize santosha, we need to free ourselves from these attachments. As B Grace Bullock said, "Once you shed your distorted lens of self doubting beliefs, there's a good chance you'll discover that you're pretty awesome. And that the light burning within you is a far more accurate reflection of who you are than the stories you've been telling yourself." Perhaps take a moment now to feel what santosha might be like. What might it feel like to believe that you are beautiful enough, that you have enough. That through and through, you are enough. 

I had to hold back tears. Then I realized that I don't have to hold them back. That I can allow myself to surrender to it, when I need to. That accepting that through and through, I am enough... can be emotional, and that's okay.

The oil slick of self doubt faded away (for now). But rather than feel completely contented and joyful, I just feel... vulnerable. Exposed.

I've stripped away the seething fortress of untruths I had built up around myself. No one could hurt me if I had already done it for them... But I don't have to live under those stones. I've stepped out from beneath the rubble and it's a little chilly out here. The crushing weight of my self doubt was warm, comfortable, what I knew. I have adjusted to "new normals" before, and this is no different.

Only it's completely different. It's different because I'm ready.