Well, Shit...

I was doing so well today! But PTSD doesn't really adhere to my made up rules of control, and I totally triggered myself today. Not exactly on purpose... but kind of?


Here I was thinking I was feeling good about death. In truth, I still am. But there are parts I definitely struggle with. I was reading Smoke Gets In Your Eyes & Other Lessons from the Crematory by Caitlin Doughty, and she was retelling her first real encounter with death. She was a kid, and a girl fell from the second story of the mall near her. She was talking about being triggered by certain sounds, creating OCD rituals for herself to come to grips with it, not seeking therapy as her parents didn't believe in it. But then she said something about her inner monologue as time passed:


"As I grew older and the constant thoughts of death subsided, the rituals ended, and the thuds stopped haunting my dreams. I developed a thick layer of denial about death in order to live my life. When the feelings would come, the emotions, the grief, I would push them down deeper, furious at myself for allowing them to peek through. My inner dialogue could be ruthless: You're fine. You're not starving, no one beats you. Your parents are still alive. There is real sadness in the world and yours is pathetic, you whiney, insignificant cow."


Fuck. This is MY inner dialogue. I had been intentionally ignoring the date. Holding in those hot tears that sting and refusing to say to anyone what is going on in my mind. I dove into caring for my family to block out those images burned in my memory.


I read that passage and proceeded to hold my breath. If I don't breathe, I won't acknowledge any of it. As I could feel my pulse start to pound in my head, I had to take a breath. It was more like a hiccup.


Keep it together. You're fine. You should be over this already...


Okay... Lets put this meditation stuff into practice. Focus on the breath. Breathing in. Breathing out. Not hyperventilating. Good!


I hopped in the shower. Heat and steam always seem to help. So I stood there in the scalding water, just letting it wrap me up in hot steam like a hug. I still wouldn't let myself cry, but I felt better. Washed my hair. Breathing in. Breathing out. Acknowledge those thoughts as just that - thoughts. Let them drift away from the front of my mind.


I'm not exactly perfectly okay. But I'm better.


Thinking of you, Joe. I can't believe it's been 4 years already. I'll light a candle tonight in your memory and pray that your family has some comfort.