Strength

Today's angel card is strength, and I'm finding it hard to come up with anything to say that doesn't sound the opposite. My dad is not well... Transferred back over to the ER and attempting to stabilize. His potassium levels were increased, he was severely dehydrated, and his blood pressure is currently out of control. I am feeling significantly less "I am woman, hear me roar" today. Instead I feel small, helpless, and a little lonely. I am concerned for my dad. I am concerned for my mom too, as she runs herself ragged "sitting in quiet contemplation, witnessing my fathers journey through a difficult time." She is way better at pulling off stoic than I am, but when she came in last night at 1am, she looked so tired. I made sure she had something to eat and tucked her into bed. Then she was off like a shot this morning, back to the hospital to orchestrate the various doctors and therapies that my father requires.


And then I was alone again.


It's a lot easier to bury yourself in tasks (required and made up) and I can see my mother is keeping herself occupied while my dad is still in crisis mode. I'm trying to keep myself focused on work, but I'm falling short. I don't want to be at the hospital. But I don't want to be here by myself either. I don't want to be at Doug's. I don't know where I want to be today... Maybe I'll bundle up and go for a walk.


While I've been feeling small and squishy, I've been thinking about what support looks and feels like for me. My therapist and I have talked a bit about "going to the well" when I need support, and who's wells have run dry. I know who I can reach out to, and who I can't. Well, for the most part. There are a few wells that are currently in a murky place where I'm not exactly sure what I can and can not ask for. That is entirely my own doing - I could simply ask "hey, is there any water in this well? Nah? That's cool, no worries!" But I'm pretty sure a fear of rejection keeps that question tucked away for another time. There used to be water in those wells... but time has passed and I haven't been great at reaching out and now I don't know what's in there!


Even if there is water in those wells, what is it that I'm looking for? What does support look like for me now? Before I would say reassurance. Some of that is still true today, who doesn't like occasional reassurance that you are cared for, thought of, loved? But I don't need constant hand holding and coddling. I don't need the extreme opposite and being told to "snap out of it" either. Maybe what I'm looking for is somewhere in the middle? A thoughtful awareness of my current experience, and maybe the occasional "hey, you good?" thrown out there with an actual interest in listening to what I may have to say.


Support does not equal fixing me, or my issues. They are mine to figure out unless I ask for help or ideas. I mentioned to someone earlier "...maybe this is one of those life lessons to learn self sufficient coping skills/mechanisms." and maybe that is true. Maybe I am supposed to reach within to find strength inside my softness. Part of me wants to lace up the old emotional combat boots and march along with pride in my strength and resilience. Then there's the small, scared part of me that just wants to be held while I finally, FINALLY have a good cry and let it all out.