Balance

Along with my daily meditation app, I've maintained picking angel cards daily since the beginning of the year. At one point, years ago, I had a blog devoted to my reflections on the angel card of the day... but it went by the wayside when I fizzled out on things to say. I've continued to maintain my interest in my cards, I just don't always have something profound to say.


Today's card is Balance.


I used to feel that my life was like a weird, twisted circus act - walking on a tight rope, trying desperately to maintain my balance while dodging slings and arrows, juggling a bunch of balls, all without losing my balance and falling into the burning inferno below. I used to think that if I got really low to the ground, that I could scooch my way across the high wire, while still "flying under the radar." The radar of what? Judgement? Disapproval? Disappointment? Who's radar exactly was it that I was trying to dodge? So much of my balancing act has been fueled by fear! So I decided to step off the high wire. I don't really care for heights, and the rope was hurting my feet.


Trying to balance everything was hurting me.


So now I'm finding a balance to my balance, for lack of better terms. I'm carving out my place now that I'm back in the midst of the chaos of being in Michigan. I've shifted my focus to my needs, which aren't very many or very demanding, but I'm also not settling for any less. I've really accepted myself in an uncompromising way.


So how do I put that into practice? Lets start with an area I have "failed" in the past: Relationships with men. No longer will I bend to the needs of some man, just because he needs to assert his control by proving his needs are greater or more important than my own. I'm not saying I'm some born-again-man-hating-feminazi. I don't hate men. I don't hate anyone! I do, however, refuse to let anyone else invalidate my thoughts and feelings by asserting that theirs are more important, and mine should simply be kept quiet.


For example: Doug would always leap frog over my upset or pain by pointing out his own - it wasn't an act of "look, we are going through this together!" it was "SHIT! I can't handle seeing you upset or hurt, so here! Be distracted by my feelings! I'm sad! I'm upset! Take care of me instead!" Bryan would throw all of his "sacrifices" in my face whenever I didn't want to drive his drunk ass to yet another bar. Hell, my own father has always been more interested in pontificating his own bizarre spiritualist/crazy agenda to even stop for a moment to listen to what his children, especially his daughters, have to say. These examples all have a common thread - They are all a means of control - a means of keeping me quiet. In the past, this would have worked. In the past, I have kept quiet. Crouched down with a tucked tail, apologizing for... being me?


I'm done apologizing for being me. Apologizing for liking the music I like. Apologizing for enjoying the books I like reading. Apologizing for the clothes I prefer to wear, or what color I like my hair to be. Apologizing for my legs and body not being smooth enough, long enough, thin enough... I am no longer going to try to squeeze myself into the mold of fantasy that someone else has planned out for me.


I am myself. And only myself. I am open and honest and I am not letting things fester and rot any longer. I try to be thoughtful and kind, but also firm in my convictions. I will not be steamrolled. I have faith and I have divine love.


I am worthy.


And it is in my self worth that I find a truer sense of balance. I was me hurting me all along. And now that I'm not hurting me quite so much (by approaching myself with loving kindness), my tolerance for letting others do the same has come to an end.


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Today's meditation was about Mono No Aware (a Japanese concept): the bittersweet feeling of seeing things change. A wistful, reverent awareness of the transitory nature of existence. Finding harmony in the impermanence.


I am finding the harmony, and balance, within impermanence. And it makes me smile... But not in spite of it. Because of it.