Too Much

I am completely overwhelmed right now, I don't even know where to start...


Last night I worked on my sister in law's hair as she wanted to take it back to blonde for her father who was dying. I did my best and it turned out looking really natural and she was quite pleased. She was holding back tears as she looked at it in the mirror... "I just hope he gets a chance to see it..." I told her that he would definitely see it, and that he would love it, even if he didn't see it with his physical eyes. She nodded and we broke eye contact. I knew she wasn't ready to feel her feelings yet, and I certainly am not one to push that on anyone else.


Then left to go check on my kid who had a fever of 104.7. Sadness was replaced by a little fear for my son, but a little Tylenol and he was fine again. He just gets random high fevers, then they are gone. Spent the night with them in case his fever got worse and needed an ER visit. It was awkward and I didn't really sleep well. Plus my mother texted late that my father had thrown up again.


Woke up this morning knowing that the vet would be at the house at 11 to put my beloved ancient cat to sleep. I just had a feeling I should reach out to my SIL, so I sent her a simple text that just said that I loved her. She sent one back that her father had passed a little while ago. I was shocked and stunned. It was so fast! I told her I was so sorry, but that is never really the right thing to say. There are no "right things" to say.


Had breakfast with the kids, snuggled with the cat, and explained to my very sad little boy yet again why we were putting her down. That this was a kindness we offered her. That we were ending her suffering and that we would get to see her again. Originally he wanted to be present for the whole ordeal, but in the final hour he decided it was too much to watch his friend die, so he went in the other room with his sister. Their father said his goodbyes and I was relieved when he left the room to hang out with the kids. Pandora's passing was quick and peaceful. It was perfect. It was exactly what I wanted for her, what I want for everyone I love. My SIL's father also passed quickly and peacefully. I marveled at the gentleness of it all. I said a tearful goodbye as the vet took my kitty off to be cremated.


I took a hot shower and just kind of putzed around. Cleaned the ferret's cage and let him play. Petted the dogs. After a bit I decided I needed a break and to go check on my parents. I got home and they both seemed okay. My dad was sitting up in a chair and hadn't had any more vomiting episodes, but he also said he wasn't feeling great either. I asked my mother if she wanted me to run up to the legion hall to get spaghetti to go, since the event to fundraise on my SIL's fathers behalf was still being held. She said that would be wonderful and gave me her money and a couple carry out containers.


I head up to the legion hall and explain who I am and why I'm there with carry out containers to the man at the door collecting money. He said that was absolutely no problem and told me it was only $10 when I handed him $20. I told him I was taking food for two people, and he said I was very sweet. I head to the table with food (the legion hall was absolutely packed - this was a well loved man) and started to put spaghetti into one of my containers. A woman swooped over and started yelling at me. "You can't do that! Takeout isn't allowed! We aren't doing take out!" I told her I explained to the man at the door and he said it was okay. "What man?? You can't do that!! Now everyone is going to start asking for takeout boxes and feeding their whole families! That's not what we're doing here!" I set the container down and told her I would just leave. She could keep my money. And that's when I lost it. In the middle of the legion hall. In a room full of fucking strangers. I completely broke down and started sobbing. I was trying to do a nice thing for my parents, I was trying to be supportive of my SIL, I had asked permission in advance both at the door and FROM THE FAMILY, and here was this woman screaming at me. When I turned to walk away, clearly bawling, she grabbed my arm. "I can't serve this now, you may as well take it." Wow lady. That was really fucking generous of you. I told her she had made her point. She could keep my money and the containers I brought. I just wanted to leave. She softened a smidge and said "Well you may as well take some salad too." I told her that was very kind of her, but there was no chance in hell I was taking anything else. She made the rules clear and I just wanted to get the fuck out. She put my container of spaghetti in my hand and I didn't even hear what she said after that, I was walking out.


I may have run. But before I knew it I was back in my car, sitting in that parking lot, just bawling. I couldn't stop. I had met my breaking point and pushed myself right on through it. When I was finally calm enough to drive I took the forbidden spoils from the legion hall (that I paid for and had permission to take) back to my parents. My mom could tell I was upset and asked how it was. "Well that was a disaster..." I told her what happened and she kept saying that she was sorry - that she put me in that position. I reminded her I had offered to go, and she said she gave me the carry out containers. I told her it wasn't her fault and she still said she was sorry.


I took a deep breath and told my mom that everyone processes things differently. Maybe this lady was struggling with his passing. Maybe she was in charge of the spaghetti and was overwhelmed by the incredible turn out and was afraid of running out. Maybe she was just a grumpy old biker chick who was a stickler for rules. Who knows. But more likely than not, her nasty reaction towards me likely had very little to nothing to do with me. And if I hadn't already had grief doing a tap dance on my heart, I would have been more compassionate in the moment. Me busting into tears had very little to do with her too, or so it would seem. Though I've never handled being yelled at well, and she was mean. Maybe we both just caught each other at the worst possible moment.


Mom just sorta blinked at me and said that was a good point. I started to cry again. After I got it together, I walked upstairs and started typing. I needed to get today out... so I could get it out. Let it go.


I'm done with today. I need a break.

Negative Thoughts

Today I'd like to talk about negative thoughts, and how we can soften them. We all have a tendency to dwell on negative thoughts. We replay and embarrassing memory over and over in our mind. We recall a past conversation, fantasizing about that clever thing we should have said. We imagine all kinds of things that could go wrong in the future. And injury, a lay off, a breakup. It turns out negative thinking is in our evolutionary biology. Our brains are wired to "over learn" from negative experiences, but "under learn" from positive ones. This tendency helped our ancestors evaluate threats or danger. But when we dwell in negativity, our stress increases and our happiness suffers. So here's a process you can use to help reshape your negative thinking. Lets say for example that we're stuck in a thought process that goes something like this: I bombed today's job interview. I will be unemployed forever. First, as we learn in practice, monitor your thoughts. When a negative thought arises, observe it. Notice if the thought sounds familiar. Is this something you hear yourself say over and over? Negative thinking is a habit, so it's useful to notice our thought patterns. Second, don't suppress the thought, or judge yourself for having it. Telling yourself "I have to stop thinking about that job interview" won't alleviate the thought. Instead, just bring awareness to what's happening. Say to yourself "I'm obsessing about my job interview and stuck in negative thoughts." Third, challenge the runaway thought cycle. Ask yourself "was it actually that bad? Or is my memory clouded by fear and anxiety? Does the outcome of a single job interview really determine my entire future? And am I solving anything by dwelling on these negative thoughts?" When we separate from a negative thought, recognize it, and challenge it, we remove it's power. And we have to practice this over and over to change our tendencies. Of course negative thinking is not always unwanted. Sometimes we focus on problems to find their solutions, but much of the time, our negative thinking only harms us. So the next time you wander off to the darkness of your thoughts reach for a light switch. We might feel helpless when we're swept away by a storm of negativity, but with effort we can overcome it. As William James said, The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

I have been spending some time within my negative thoughts lately, and I was growing frustrated with having to keep redirecting myself as they have come up. But then I gently remind myself that I am in the process of undoing 38 years worth of learned/reinforced behavior, and change isn't going to happen overnight.


I still struggle with a fear of judgement. For the most part I have kept my journey of self awareness and self discovery very quiet. I haven't let very many people in, and a big part of that is a fear of being told I'm "doing it wrong." While some might think this is foolish thinking to begin with, keep in mind that THAT in itself is a judgement - and pulling myself out of the murky muck of lifelong codependent relationships, I'm a little hypersensitive to it currently. Shit, I feel like I'm a little hypersensitive overall lately. But I'm not giving up and I'm not allowing myself to slink off back into numbed limbo. I can't go back. I've come this far!

Elephants

This mornings meditation touched on elephants in our minds, and it was a good one. Here's a portion of the meditation:

Just because we understand the logical actions to let go, doesn't make the practice of letting go easy. It's like being told not to think of an elephant. Perhaps rather than trying to push the elephant out of the room, so to speak, we can welcome it in and say hello. We can tell it "I see you, but I'm just not that interested in being taken for a ride right now." When we stop resisting and fighting our thoughts and concerns, the battle stops. And from there, once we stop wrestling with our thoughts, once we stop getting swept away by them, or pushing them away, it's much easier to shift our attention from the persistent elephant back to the present moment. Sometimes it's still difficult and we have to call on strong determination. Whenever we're caught up in concerns about the past, or in the future, we're not in the present. When we're fully in the here and now, that's when our obsessive thoughts have the opportunity to soften.

I've been focusing a lot of my energy on being present lately, and it has proved to be pretty difficult at times. When you've grown accustomed to walling things off, blocking things out, and living in a numb limbo, the immense experience that is "being present" can be, well, overwhelming. Some aspects of my "present" are pretty emotional and raw, and I was struggling with how hard it all seemed, that I was somehow failing or not doing it right. Someone then said to me: This is uncharted territory for you, and for your immediate family. Of course you're afraid. Being present isn't like sitting on  a relaxing-ass cloud, hovering about it all. It happens down in the muck and uncertainty and pain and fear. It did help me feel a little better about my presence during everything currently, but I'm also feeling pretty inadequate in other aspects of my life.


Hello elephant. I see you. I'm just not that interested in being taken for a ride right now.

Latest and (not so) Greatest

I'm trying to keep my mind occupied. Between issues with my father and the upcoming euthanasia of my cat (on Thursday), I'm pretty tapped out as far as emotions of sadness and worry are concerned.


Latest update on dad is this: He had an endoscopy this afternoon and there were no surprises or anything really "wrong." They took a few biopsies and that was that. While that may seem like good news to some, that also means no answers as to why he can't keep anything down on his own. For now he's stable with IV fluids and IV Zofran. The oral meds did nothing for him, so the fact that he's been able to stop throwing up for any period of time has been a blessing. But there are still no answers... So what happens now? They pull him off the IV's and we go through all of this all over again?


And my cat... Dear Pandora. The ancient grey kitty. She would be 19 in August, but I just don't have the heart to have her continue on any longer in her current state. In addition to being blind and deaf and now increasingly confused (she was bad a month ago, then regained some awareness, but now she's back to confusion) she is also becoming angry. Until yesterday she would instantly purr and snuggle with my son whenever he went to get her. Last night she was snuggling with him then suddenly started growling and hissed. Her personality has changed.


It's time to let her go.


Some would tease that it was time to let her go a long time ago, and there is definitely some truth to that... But it's time now and I'm ready and she's ready and I'm really going to miss my kitty.


-------


I grabbed an angel card just now. Support. I just sorta stared at it for a minute. I don't even know what to do with that right now... at least not for myself. Made mom dinner, so she doesn't have to worry about what to eat when she gets home from the hospital. I guess that is my reflection on "support" for the day.

Santosha

I woke up in a strange mood after another restless night and could feel the cold fingers of my anxiety slipping under the surface, the cruel inner voice that whispers "there's no place for you... You will never be enough..." It's like a strangling sensation that bubbles up like thick oil from those deep, dark places inside of me. A strange, unfounded panic that I need to feel... needed. Wanted. I know all to well that it is my own insecurity that fuels these episodes of self doubt. Where I just want to reach out to someone, anyone, and feel like I am important. Like my father, my own beseeching of "please."

Such a contrast to yesterday, where I felt like I was in the right place at the right time with my father. I was able to be present and helpful and it felt good to have that connection. Now I feel awkward and underfoot. Not just with my dad, but a general disconnect everywhere. I don't really know where I fit into the bigger picture, and today I'm acknowledging that it feels a little unsettling in this moment.

Rather than wallow around in my self deprecation, paralyzed by my own inner cruelty, I made the decision to reach into my bag of coping skills and see what happens. I acknowledged how I was feeling, allowing myself to look at it, not run from it, and take a detached look at why I was feeling that way. Then, to calm the whispered hiss of my self doubt and insecurity, I sat down to listen to my daily meditation.

It's easy to succumb to thoughts of inadequacy and lack. We can get fixated on thoughts like I'll finally be okay when I reach my goal weight or get that better job or find that relationship. Once I have this, everything will be fine. The stories we tell ourselves about our lives suggest there's always something missing. Some incomplete piece keeping us from happiness. It's natural to have goals, we all want to grow and evolve, to challenge ourselves. But it becomes unhealthy when we base our happiness on achieving an ever illusive external goal.  

In Sanskrit there's a beautiful word, Santosha. "San" means completely or entirely. And "tosha" is acceptance or contentment. So together, santosha means complete contentment. Santosha captures the idea of finding satisfaction with who we are, right now. It doesn't mean that everything is dandy, that we can sit back and do nothing. It simply means accepting and appreciating what we have and who we are already, and then moving forward from that foundation of contentment. Its the feeling of there being enough.  

So today, spend a moment reflecting on the narrative you tell yourself about your life. Is there something you've built up in your mind as the key to future happiness? A promotion? A relationship? A financial goal? When we rely on external factors as the key to happiness, we only perpetuate our discontentment. Once we buy that new house or loose those 20 pounds, there's always a new desire on the horizon. So to truly realize santosha, we need to free ourselves from these attachments. As B Grace Bullock said, "Once you shed your distorted lens of self doubting beliefs, there's a good chance you'll discover that you're pretty awesome. And that the light burning within you is a far more accurate reflection of who you are than the stories you've been telling yourself." Perhaps take a moment now to feel what santosha might be like. What might it feel like to believe that you are beautiful enough, that you have enough. That through and through, you are enough. 

I had to hold back tears. Then I realized that I don't have to hold them back. That I can allow myself to surrender to it, when I need to. That accepting that through and through, I am enough... can be emotional, and that's okay.

The oil slick of self doubt faded away (for now). But rather than feel completely contented and joyful, I just feel... vulnerable. Exposed.

I've stripped away the seething fortress of untruths I had built up around myself. No one could hurt me if I had already done it for them... But I don't have to live under those stones. I've stepped out from beneath the rubble and it's a little chilly out here. The crushing weight of my self doubt was warm, comfortable, what I knew. I have adjusted to "new normals" before, and this is no different.

Only it's completely different. It's different because I'm ready.

Flowers

After taking kids to school this morning, I stopped at Trader Joe's. It was on the way back to mom and dads, and I had a little cash left over from errands I ran for mom the night before. I picked up a couple bunches of flowers to add a little color and life to the room both of my parents currently occupy.

They are fresh and pretty and mom seemed to enjoy them. Dad hasn't noticed them yet, but I also don't expect him to.

The nausea and vomiting has returned with a vengeance. He can't keep anything down. He is tired and weak and just so frustrated. Last night as I sat with him, another bout of vomiting hitting him hard, be began pleading... Begging "please" to no one and everyone all at once. It was humbling to sit in his presence during that dark moment - sitting quietly, being present, baring witness to his struggle. But I was also ready to step in once the urgency of the evacuation had passed. Armed with cool washcloths to gentle wipe up his face, and another to lay across his forehead. Being present, but also being actively present too.

He does not have to suffer through this alone.

None of us do. There is gentle support and presence all around us, whether we take notice of it initially or not.

Springtime

Last night as I tossed in the familiar discomfort of insomnia, refusing to distract myself with my phone, I reached out to my bedside table and picked up the most recent addition to my library. It was a gift, and an incredibly well timed one at that. Just This by Richard Rohr. I inhaled it the first day I had it in my hands, but last night I really let myself steep in what was written. I kept returning to a passage at the very beginning of the book.

Here is the mistake we all make in our encounters with reality - both good and bad. We do not realize that it was not the person or event right in front of us that made us angry or fearful - or excited and energized. At best, that is only partly true. If you let that beautiful hot air balloon in the sky make you happy, it was because you were already predisposed to happiness. The hot air balloon just occasioned it - and almost anything else would have done the same. How we see will largely determine what we see and whether it can give us joy or make us pull back with an emotionally stingy and resistant response. Without denying an objective outer reality, what we are able to see, and are predisposed to see, in the outer world is a mirror reflection of our own inner world and state of consciousness at that time. Most of the time, we just do not see at all, but rather operate on cruise control.

I keep returning to the notion that the world around me is a reflection of the world within me. For years it seems, my inner world was filled with stagnant waters as a façade, yet churning whirlpools of chaos under the surface just waiting to suck me, and anyone else who waded in, off to God knows what ends. I had been surviving on cruise control. But through my growth, I see how my outer world is shifting to match my evolving inner world. As I release my anxiety and self inflicted wounds, as I let go of my fear of the unknown and shrug off the crushing wait of my own self imposed burdens, I find myself building strength. I find myself finding my footing again. I find myself looking forward to the wonder that is life. I find myself no longer afraid to be alone. No longer a scared little girl afraid of the dark, begging for attention to be seen, heard, validated, loved. As these changes shift on the inside, things are shifting on the outside. My patience with my children increases, and their responsiveness improves. They become more stable when they are with me. And as I continue to reconnect with my faith (quietly, gently, and without fear) blessings find their way back into my life.


----


Today is the first day of spring. In addition to my daily meditations and picking angel cards (today is Delight, btw), I have been reading weekly meditations from my "An Abundance of Blessings" cards (52 meditations to illuminate your life, by John O'Donohue). The one I randomly selected for today feels fitting, as serendipity has a way of doing.

A Blessing for Loneliness

When the light lessens,

Causing colors to lose their courage,

And your eyes fix on the empty distance

That can open on either side

Of the surest line

To make all that is

Familiar and near

Seem suddenly foreign,

When the music of talk

Breaks apart into noise

And you hear your heart louden

While the voices around you

Slow down to leaden echoes

Turning the silence

Into something stony and cold,

When the old ghosts come back

To feed on everywhere you felt sure,

Do not strengthen their hunger

By choosing to fear;

Rather, decide to call on your heart

That it may grow clear and free

To welcome home your emptiness

That it may cleanse you

Like the clearest air

You could ever breathe.

Allow your loneliness time

To dissolve the shell of dross

That had closed around you;

Choose in this severe silence

To hear the one true voice

Your rushed life fears;

Cradle yourself like a child

Learning to trust what emerges,

So that gradually

You may come to know

That deep in that black hole

You will find the blue flower

That holds the mystical light

Which will illuminate in you

The glimmer of springtime.

Evolution

You are being presented with a choice:

evolve or remain. If you choose to remain

unchanged, you will be presented with the

same challenges, the same routine, the same

storms, the same situations, until you learn

from them, until you love yourself enough

to say "no more," until you choose change.

If you choose to evolve, you will connect

with the strength within you, you will explore

what lies outside the comfort zone,

you will awaken to love, you will become,

you will be. You have everything you need.

Choose to evolve. Choose love.

-Creig Crippen



100th Post

Well then. It only took me several years to get to the 100th post. I kinda feel proud - as that is an accomplishment! On the other hand, I feel a little silly for feeling proud about it. But I think my greatest sense of pride about it comes from the fact that I started writing again. 2014 Was a bit of a kick in the teeth, but I've slowly been crawling back out of my shell and really getting comfortable with me again. Some processes take longer than others, obviously.


Speaking of processes, I had a really good introductory phone call with an attorney yesterday. She answered my questions thoughtfully and honestly - she didn't sugar coat anything and she seemed reasonable. I have another consultation on Tuesday with another firm. I'm moving forward and it feels right.


My father was just released from the hospital (again) and he is now settled back in the hospital bed in the living room. I understand that my mother is stressed, so I didn't take much offense to her yelling at me. Rather than yell back I simply stood up, stated my presence wasn't needed at this time, and walked back upstairs to my room. For a moment, I felt like I was a teenager again, and she was sniping at me for something completely unrelated to me (true in this case as well) and I did what I always do... Walk away. As soon as I got to my room and quietly clicked the door shut, I looked around and realized that this living arrangement HAS to be temporary. For the duration of the proceedings it will be perfect - stable environment, room for the kids, etc. But I'm also looking forward to getting into my own space too.


I had contemplated moving to the house in Mt Pleasant, but it doesn't make sense for me to be up there until I have a better idea of what my custody is going to look like. If he fights for (and wins) majority custody, living up there during the week makes sense. If we have 50/50, then I will need to stick around a little closer. I've made no real efforts to look into apartments, mostly because I can't afford them. But I am trying to continue to plan ahead, and gather information on my options.


My word for today was vision. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize, while also keeping an eye on things that pop up along the way. Grounded, yet focused. :)

Priorities

"The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities." - Stephen Covey

Today's meditation touched on priority. Releasing the sense of urgency and allowing yourself to be present in this very moment - letting go of everything else. That what feels urgent may actually be simply a distraction from what is really important, and lead us down a dangerous path towards neglect of what is truly meaningful.

As the meditation concluded, I made a list of what I felt my life goal priorities should be, vs what I was being distracted by with urgency. (my immediate urgent distractions involve social media, emails, and texts) So here are my priorities, in no particular order:

Family - making sure that my children are safe, comfortable, and loved
Self Care - making sure that *I* feel safe, comfortable, and loved
Artistic Expression - Giving myself time and permission to begin the creative process again
Divorce - Refiling and following through to completion

I contacted 4 separate attorneys and already have 2 consultations scheduled. I have made the difficult decision that I really can't do this by myself, and I'm interviewing for appropriate legal guidance. It's the right move for me.

Scheduling my other priorities is also within sight. I'm maintaining my daily meditations (part of my self care routine) and I am making time each evening to read for at least 30 minutes. I've read more books in the last 7 days then I have in the previous 7 years combined. Scheduling my artistic expression is a little harder to do, as that isn't an all the time feeling or want. But I have the tools ready and waiting for when inspiration hits.

As for my kids - Since I have implemented "no spend March" they have essentially been forced into spending more meaningful time with me. We have had some really great conversations about difficult topics (death, body changes, peer pressure, etc) and I honestly feel that they KNOW they can come to me with their questions without fear of judgement, and that honesty and being open are always welcome with me.

Today was a good day, and as I embrace change, rather than struggle against it, I seem to be more at ease, more comfortable, more content. Going with the flow without surrendering my priorities to it.

A Different Kind of Attention

When you wake up one morning and
everything you have ever loved
has left you.

When there are sirens shrieking
outside and no one lying
next to you
to say goodnight.

When all you can do is spin and swirl
another glass of whiskey,
or wine. When the

light on your phone
is yet another message
from home—

what have you
done wrong
this time?

Then.

Pay a different kind of attention.

Still your heart.
Calm your mind.
Take one deep breath in
and then out, and then in
again.

Do that
five hundred
times.

Until all you hear
is…

Come alive, my love
to what is infinite
within you, to

what you saw that night
when you held my hand
and looked into my eyes.
That light

shining back to you
from your dark past, from
your bright future.

Do you remember?

It is not that

you can achieve world peace or
make everyone happy
or even
bring your love back

home.

You can’t. We can
both stop
trying
so hard

but somewhere, there
is a bright light
to bend this dim path.
Somewhere.

Not far. Not out there
in the distance, but
close. So close.

I saw it in you.
I held your chin.
I wiped your eyes.

I told you
to look up.

Unearth that treasure,
my love. Unbind it.
Unfurl it.

What a precious,
hidden and beautiful
gift

you have been hiding all this time.

A Different Kind of Attention, Allison Fallon

Trust

My father was wisked back to the hospital a little while ago. His health continues not to improve, and he's not doing well. So a quick call to 911 and a bus was dispatched to take him back to the ER.

I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion and stuffing it down isn't working. So I've turned to music to help release the pressure nozzle of my anxiety and sadness and helplessness.

Listened to a few songs that usually kick up all the feels and stumbled upon this cover.

Open the flood gates for a good old fashioned ugly cry. We're talking hiccups, snot, blotchy skin... Boom.

So while I was recovering from my ugly cry, sniffling my way through this song as well

(visually stunning, incredible vocals, decent lyrics) I grabbed my box of angel cards.

Trust

My knees buckled and I found myself on the ground, kneeling with trust in my hand. I have such little control over anything. What happens to my father, what happens to me, all of it. And yet I trust. I trust in God that He will do what is His divine will. I trust in my siblings to come together while my father (and mother) falls apart. I trust that the wells won't always be dry when I am looking for support. I trust that everything is going to work out, one way or another. And maybe, just maybe, I can learn to trust myself a little more.

I sat there, kneeling, and cried a little longer. I'll pay for it with a headache later, but for right now it's what I needed. It was a lonely cry, but a necessity too.

Patience

I internally cringe when I pull the "patience" card. Growing up my mother always said "patience is not the ability to wait... it is the ability to have a good attitude while waiting." While this is still true today, my mind at some point started to warp patience into procrastination. "Look! I'm keeping such a good attitude while I'm waiting for this thing... this thing I'm terrified of, so I'm going to put it off as long as possible and pretend that I'm waiting patiently when really I'm petrified with fear... But I have such a good attitude while doing it!"


It isn't patience. No matter how many excuses I make or lies I tell myself. Patience has nothing to do with it.


In truth I suspect I am a very impatient person. I am impatient with myself, certainly. As frustrated as friends and family have grown with me and my seemingly externally stagnant ways, it falls very short of my own internal whirlwind of monologues and criticisms. But beating myself up doesn't really get me anywhere. So now I really get to dig into what being patient with myself means. I have really been spending some time with myself during my daily meditations, and keeping my personal harsh judgements in check has been a struggle. Meditation isn't about dismissing or ignoring them, but acknowledging them, looking at them, then moving through them. That's the part I've been previously getting stuck on. Moving through them. This has been true for several aspects of my life.


I feel like moving into this new awareness of myself has been like a strange pregnancy. I am both mother and child. The life I want to live is out there, on the outside of this womb of chaos I've built around myself. I have managed to be in active labor for years... Pushing and panting and fighting and straining and stretching... trying to get myself open and ready for one last push out into freedom. I am exhausted and embarrassed that all this fight, all this struggle, has been completely in my own head. The internal chaos was entirely my own. And now, much like my experience with actual labor, I'm in the position to get it done. No more thrashing around and flailing. It's time to focus, breathe, and bare down.


I know what I want. I can see it. I can taste it.


And now more than ever I feel an urgency to get on with it. "Do you feel like you have to push?" God yes... I need to push this out and be free to live my life on my terms, the way that works best for me. But it doesn't happen overnight. And we circle back to patience.


Patience. Not procrastination.

Strength

Today's angel card is strength, and I'm finding it hard to come up with anything to say that doesn't sound the opposite. My dad is not well... Transferred back over to the ER and attempting to stabilize. His potassium levels were increased, he was severely dehydrated, and his blood pressure is currently out of control. I am feeling significantly less "I am woman, hear me roar" today. Instead I feel small, helpless, and a little lonely. I am concerned for my dad. I am concerned for my mom too, as she runs herself ragged "sitting in quiet contemplation, witnessing my fathers journey through a difficult time." She is way better at pulling off stoic than I am, but when she came in last night at 1am, she looked so tired. I made sure she had something to eat and tucked her into bed. Then she was off like a shot this morning, back to the hospital to orchestrate the various doctors and therapies that my father requires.


And then I was alone again.


It's a lot easier to bury yourself in tasks (required and made up) and I can see my mother is keeping herself occupied while my dad is still in crisis mode. I'm trying to keep myself focused on work, but I'm falling short. I don't want to be at the hospital. But I don't want to be here by myself either. I don't want to be at Doug's. I don't know where I want to be today... Maybe I'll bundle up and go for a walk.


While I've been feeling small and squishy, I've been thinking about what support looks and feels like for me. My therapist and I have talked a bit about "going to the well" when I need support, and who's wells have run dry. I know who I can reach out to, and who I can't. Well, for the most part. There are a few wells that are currently in a murky place where I'm not exactly sure what I can and can not ask for. That is entirely my own doing - I could simply ask "hey, is there any water in this well? Nah? That's cool, no worries!" But I'm pretty sure a fear of rejection keeps that question tucked away for another time. There used to be water in those wells... but time has passed and I haven't been great at reaching out and now I don't know what's in there!


Even if there is water in those wells, what is it that I'm looking for? What does support look like for me now? Before I would say reassurance. Some of that is still true today, who doesn't like occasional reassurance that you are cared for, thought of, loved? But I don't need constant hand holding and coddling. I don't need the extreme opposite and being told to "snap out of it" either. Maybe what I'm looking for is somewhere in the middle? A thoughtful awareness of my current experience, and maybe the occasional "hey, you good?" thrown out there with an actual interest in listening to what I may have to say.


Support does not equal fixing me, or my issues. They are mine to figure out unless I ask for help or ideas. I mentioned to someone earlier "...maybe this is one of those life lessons to learn self sufficient coping skills/mechanisms." and maybe that is true. Maybe I am supposed to reach within to find strength inside my softness. Part of me wants to lace up the old emotional combat boots and march along with pride in my strength and resilience. Then there's the small, scared part of me that just wants to be held while I finally, FINALLY have a good cry and let it all out.

Balance

Along with my daily meditation app, I've maintained picking angel cards daily since the beginning of the year. At one point, years ago, I had a blog devoted to my reflections on the angel card of the day... but it went by the wayside when I fizzled out on things to say. I've continued to maintain my interest in my cards, I just don't always have something profound to say.


Today's card is Balance.


I used to feel that my life was like a weird, twisted circus act - walking on a tight rope, trying desperately to maintain my balance while dodging slings and arrows, juggling a bunch of balls, all without losing my balance and falling into the burning inferno below. I used to think that if I got really low to the ground, that I could scooch my way across the high wire, while still "flying under the radar." The radar of what? Judgement? Disapproval? Disappointment? Who's radar exactly was it that I was trying to dodge? So much of my balancing act has been fueled by fear! So I decided to step off the high wire. I don't really care for heights, and the rope was hurting my feet.


Trying to balance everything was hurting me.


So now I'm finding a balance to my balance, for lack of better terms. I'm carving out my place now that I'm back in the midst of the chaos of being in Michigan. I've shifted my focus to my needs, which aren't very many or very demanding, but I'm also not settling for any less. I've really accepted myself in an uncompromising way.


So how do I put that into practice? Lets start with an area I have "failed" in the past: Relationships with men. No longer will I bend to the needs of some man, just because he needs to assert his control by proving his needs are greater or more important than my own. I'm not saying I'm some born-again-man-hating-feminazi. I don't hate men. I don't hate anyone! I do, however, refuse to let anyone else invalidate my thoughts and feelings by asserting that theirs are more important, and mine should simply be kept quiet.


For example: Doug would always leap frog over my upset or pain by pointing out his own - it wasn't an act of "look, we are going through this together!" it was "SHIT! I can't handle seeing you upset or hurt, so here! Be distracted by my feelings! I'm sad! I'm upset! Take care of me instead!" Bryan would throw all of his "sacrifices" in my face whenever I didn't want to drive his drunk ass to yet another bar. Hell, my own father has always been more interested in pontificating his own bizarre spiritualist/crazy agenda to even stop for a moment to listen to what his children, especially his daughters, have to say. These examples all have a common thread - They are all a means of control - a means of keeping me quiet. In the past, this would have worked. In the past, I have kept quiet. Crouched down with a tucked tail, apologizing for... being me?


I'm done apologizing for being me. Apologizing for liking the music I like. Apologizing for enjoying the books I like reading. Apologizing for the clothes I prefer to wear, or what color I like my hair to be. Apologizing for my legs and body not being smooth enough, long enough, thin enough... I am no longer going to try to squeeze myself into the mold of fantasy that someone else has planned out for me.


I am myself. And only myself. I am open and honest and I am not letting things fester and rot any longer. I try to be thoughtful and kind, but also firm in my convictions. I will not be steamrolled. I have faith and I have divine love.


I am worthy.


And it is in my self worth that I find a truer sense of balance. I was me hurting me all along. And now that I'm not hurting me quite so much (by approaching myself with loving kindness), my tolerance for letting others do the same has come to an end.


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Today's meditation was about Mono No Aware (a Japanese concept): the bittersweet feeling of seeing things change. A wistful, reverent awareness of the transitory nature of existence. Finding harmony in the impermanence.


I am finding the harmony, and balance, within impermanence. And it makes me smile... But not in spite of it. Because of it.

Dealings Wiith My Father

My dad is in the hospital. Has been at a rehab facility lately, but he has not been home since Feb 12th. His back surgery had complications. I know he is in a lot of pain, and I know he is really starting to get scared. But he is also getting to be harder to handle. What he finds funny, I find offensive. He want to chit chat and take pot shots at the #metoo movement, and I (a female survivor of sexual harassment and assault) was not ready to say "you know dad, as an older white man of privilege, you would have more to learn about this by asking questions of YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS ABOUT HOW WE FEEL, rather than ignorantly spouting off about "accusation therapy."

He's on a lot of drugs.

But that also means he has no filters, so when my father rattles these things off, this is how he really sees things. So far I've learned that my father views me as the largest failure of his children, that he's always known that I was the most insecure, the weakest. I've also learned that he favors my brother above all others (this is not new, but it still stings to hear outloud). He also has no respect for my sisters life works - what she has devoted herself to for the sake of her communities greater good. Instead he jabs at her, stating things like "I am overwhelmed by your daily activities..." Alright then, stay out of her way! We have all known for a very long time that my sister vibrates at a very different wave length and takes on way more than the average person. She always has! But she also gets it all done, so who am I to judge her? Rather than call her overwhelming, dad, try asking if there is anything you can do to help, or get involved! 

So I attempted to redirect my father, asking him to focus on kindness. I sent some quotes. Nudged him along. Apparently he stewed on it overnight and came to some pretty crazy conclusions that I hated him and he was now "in trouble." While he wasn't exactly right... he wasn't wrong either.

What my father doesn't know about his insecure failure of a daughter, is that I am the one taking care of everyone else behind the scenes. I've been cooking for my mother, taking care of his pets, and I'm the one offering emotional support to my brother (who is ready to disowned my dad) and my sister (who is extremely offended by my father a good majority of the time). My mother recently said she was so glad I was back. That she considers me the glue that keeps us all held together as a family.

And my father is oblivious to what I have to offer in this family.

A lot of my meditations lately have focused on letting things go. I'm not clinging to these interactions with my father like a spiteful security blanket. He has shown me he really knows very little about me at all. I'm putting it down so I can look it over, acknowledge how it makes me feel in this moment, and move on.