Twinge

I found myself really struggling to focus on my meditation and reading today. They were talking about making the best of your time and how to heal after being cut. Yeah yeah yeah... Center myself, breathe deeply, release the negativity, etc. But today I learned that my boss has found my replacement. The twinge of betrayal and disappointment is roaring just a little louder than the gentle voice to calmly let everything go. They found my replacement and she starts June 4th. My boss has said that he'll keep me on a month after she's hired, but I really don't see the point. She and I worked together - she's a rehire. She already has credentials and isn't going to require any type of real training on my end. If anything, she knows more about the systems than I do.

I give it 2 weeks once she starts. 2 weeks tops that they will actually still need me.

I'm happy for them. That they found someone who can hit the ground running, but I'm also pretty hurt in this moment. Again. Still?

I don't even care that I sound whiny and childish in my own head. I'll be over it again in a few minutes, but in this exact moment I'm feeling pissed and disappointment. I knew it was coming... that doesn't mean I have to like it now that it's finally here.

My word of the day was Trust. I just have to trust that things are going to shift in the direction they were meant to go in. Maybe I'm just supposed to say "fuck it" and absolutely kill myself by jumping back into work full time. Sacrifice my body for a little more financial stability and freedom. Maybe I'm supposed to circle back around to the disability claim, and beg my parents for financial support while I appeal. Maybe I'm supposed to just wait and see what happens... Today I don't really know what direction I'm supposed to move in.

And I'm going to give myself the day to feel lost in this moment. To let myself feel the hurt and disappointment and betrayal and sadness and anger and everything else I've been trying to release over time. I'm going to sit with these things on my mind and in my heart, but I'm not going to move in with them. Give them a chance to have their moment, then move on to figuring this shit out.