Breaking Patterns

If I contradict myself, I contradict myself.

I contain multitudes.

-Walt Whitman

We create patterns that others depend on, and then the last thing we ever imagined happens: we grow and change, and then to stay vital we must break the patterns we created.
There is no blame or fault in this. It is commonplace in nature. Watch the ocean and shore do their dance of buildup and crumble and you'll see this happen daily.
We know we are close to this threshold when we hear someone say, "You're not yourself," or "That was out of character for you." What is difficult at this juncture is to resist either complying with how others see us or withholding who we really are.
The challenge, which I don't do well but stay committed to, is to say to those we love, "I am more that I have shown you and more than you are willing to see. Let's work our love and know each other more fully."

After the reading the other day mentioning "being whatever you need as long as you need it" I was feeling pretty upset. The blatant codependency in that statement... I know I am on the right path when reading that statement no longer made me proud to be a good friend - but instead made me cringe with my past willingness to sacrifice myself so freely for "the illusion of devotion." Once I really took some time to think about what that phrase means to me now, I froze with absolute discomfort and fear. Was this author a narcissist too? Talking about the blessing of having good friends, but all the while feeling like they are somehow entitled to the absolute best in others at any given time? My anxiety is already pretty high lately, hormone fueled, but it made me put the book down and take a day off. I still listened to my meditation, but I just felt so uncomfortable with the last reading I couldn't bring myself to pick it up. Then today I cracked it open, just to see what the topic was. Breaking Patterns. 

Oh. That might be exactly what I'm going through right now... I mean, it IS exactly what I'm going through. And like the author, even though I'm not very good at it sometimes, I'm committed to seeing it through. To keep growing, even if it means occasional growing pains from those around me. I can't stunt or stop my growth just because someone else doesn't like the direction I'm growing in. Besides, I can always change my mind and head in yet another direction.