In Release, We Begin

I'm taking a step back. I know that is a pretty vague statement, but I'm feeling a little disconnected from a few key players in my life right now, and for my own sake, I'm taking a step back to catch my breath. I started taking a new medication last week and the side effects have taken me a little off guard. The under current of a headache, the constant nausea, my face breaking out, and a general sense of extreme fragility and vulnerability.

I want to hide and cry. Certain aspects of negativity I could previously absorb and soften in others is now simply overwhelming. My heart hurts.

I know and understand that my current mental state is a direct effect of the medication. It will calm down and even itself out - I will return to "normal" as my body adjusts. But in the meantime I just want to curl up in my bed and have someone pet my hair, cuddle with me, and tell me it will be alright. That everything is going to be alright. And it makes me a little sad that I feel like I have no right, no place, to ask for that. That I have to just suck it up and ride it out alone, because that's how it's "supposed to be."

My reading today was about chasing butterflies. That as children, we chase butterflies, desperate to capture their beauty within our own two hands. And the brief thrill upon actually catching one, the gentle flutter of delicate wings and dancing little legs felt within your hands. But then the realization that while you may hold it within your hands, you can no longer see it - no longer experience its true beauty as you cling to keep possession of it. It's only in opening our hands back up and releasing the butterfly that we are able to appreciate it for what it is. To see it, you have to let it go. "The deepest things beat within, made dark and fearful by our holding, only uplifting the instant we let go."

My meditation focused on humility. It reminded me that "mindfulness can help us soften our attachments to this false sense of self, which allows us to be more flexible, non possessive, and open. There's a Zen adage that says: You gather more flowers with an open hand than a closed fist. This is a perfect illustration of ego vs humility. The ego closes us. Hardens us and separates us. While humility opens us. Softens us and connects us. One of the gifts of this practice is a deeper awareness of how our thoughts and choices are influenced by our sense of self importance. And with that awareness, we can recognize how our identities are based on material status and success, we can acknowledge our selfishness and then challenge it. We can see how our perfectionistic tendencies create suffering, and then cultivate self acceptance. There is simply no progress in this practice, or in this life, without humility. It allows us to see beyond the self, grow, and be free. In the words of Thomas Moore: Humility, that low, sweet root, from which all heavenly virtues shoot."

I need a hug.