Friendship

Nothing among human things

has such power to keep our gaze

fixed ever more intensely upon God

than friendship.

-Simone Weil

I have been blessed to have deep friends in my time on Earth. They have been an oasis when my life has turned a desert. They have been a cool river to plunge in when my heart has been on fire. When I was ill, one toweled my head when I couldn't stand without bleeding. Another bowed at me door saying, "I will be whatever you need as long as you need it." Still others have ensured my freedom, and they missed me while I searched for bits of truth that only led me back to them. I have slept in the high lonely wind waiting for God's word. And while it's true - no one can live for you - singing from the peak isn't quite the same as whispering in the center of a circle that has carried you ashore.
Honest friends are doorways to our souls, and loving friends are the grasses that soften the world. It is no mistake that the German root of the word friendship means "place of high safety." This safety opens us up to God. As Cicero said, "A friend is a second self." And as Saint Martin said, "My friends are the beings through whom God loves me."
There can be no greater or simpler ambition than to be a friend. 

The phrase "I will be whatever you need as long as you need it" really struck me. I have said this exact phrase many times to people I considered friends over the years. I've said it and I've meant it, but I also didn't realize the toll it would take on me by doing so. When you willingly offer up that type of support to others, it can leave a void when they no longer need it. When you are no longer needed. Conversely, it can also leave you exhausted for days when friends need more than you have ability to give. I continue to do the best I can, to give as much as I can, but my capabilities are simply just not what they used to be. As someone who once prided themselves as being a "good friend," this is an exceptionally jagged pill to swallow.

Accepting and admitting my physical and emotional limitations is difficult for me. In a sense I feel like I'm letting people down.