The Process of Surrender

Today I was reminded that the process of surrender is an ongoing one. That I have to constantly check, re-check, re-re-check, and re-re-re-check myself to keep from letting the stories I tell myself run away with me. That my worst fears are purely imagination, and my energy is better spent on what IS, rather than what ISN'T or what COULD BE. I have been very quick to be harsh with myself, blaming myself for things that really have nothing to do with me, or are completely out of my control. I have been trying to keep on top of my mindfulness practice, but there were certain aspects of it I wasn't fully comfortable with, mostly because there were aspects I didn't fully understand. I had been struggling internally with the notion of surrender and acceptance, and also not feeling like a doormat. I've been struggling to find the balance between decisions and situations I can be an active participant in, and what is just not for me - not mine to worry about, over analyze, or care for.

So I turned to my meditation, feeling emotionally drained as I didn't sleep very much at all last night (another side effect... add it to the list). But being emotionally drained, I also had nothing left to struggle against, as the energy was already spent doing into the meditation. I just breathed and listened.

"We often talk about developing the quality of acceptance in our practice, so I want to clarify that while working with acceptance in life, it doesn't mean refraining from having preferences. If we go out for dinner and there's a mistake on our order, it's okay to address the error with our server and request that it is fixed. If our best friend is always late, it's understandable to request an apology and ask them to improve their punctuality. If we're frustrated with our financial insolvency, it's natural to take steps to improve our credit and increase our savings.
Being mindful doesn't mean accepting everything. It means coming to terms with the circumstances and events over which we have zero control. It means accepting that which we truly can't change: A painful loss, a hurtful parting, or a grim diagnosis. When faced with something unchangeable, a wall we cannot get past, resistance simply doesn't work. In fact, resisting the unchangeable only creates more suffering. When we can't change our reality, difficult as it may be, we must strive to accept it. Wisdom is knowing when to fight and when to surrender. As Sri Chinmoy said, Surrender is a journey from the outer turmoil to the inner peace."

As a person who is moving beyond, and healing from, toxic codependent relationships, this is the part I continue to struggle with - that acceptance doesn't immediately dictate a lack of choice. I can accept someone for who they are, but that doesn't mean I have to accept "less than," or behaviors that hurt my feelings. I can speak up and say when something isn't working for me, or within me, and I've been working on doing just that. I'm working on respectfully expressing when something bothers me, or just doesn't feel right, and I think I'm going about it in a healthy way... because holding things in certainly isn't healthy! It doesn't get me any closer to where I want to be, and it's clear I'm only hurting myself by assuming that I can't express myself. That I can't ask for the things I need. The only one making up rules about what I can and cannot ask for, is me. Granted, I may not like it very much when I get rejected for asking, but the assumption of rejection is purely a made up story in my head. I assume rejection, and in doing so, don't ever even ask.

So today I surrender my assumptions of rejection. I'm letting myself relax into being present in what IS, and giving thanks for the things I do have going right, in my right now. Everything else can wait. I continue to acknowledge my own worth, even when some days it is a struggle. I may not be smarter than everyone else, I may not be the best parent, I may not be the most physically beautiful person, I may not be the most emotionally sound all the time... But I am just me. I am always learning, I am always full of wonder at the world around me, I am always trying to make changes for mindfulness and compassion... and I just try to do better.

I want to do better. Be better.

And I can.