A New Setup

As so many things continue to shift and change in me internally, I decided to makes some changes in my physical world as well. My room at my parents house was set up exactly the way my mom wanted it, and it was also the catch all for discarded furniture. There were 2 dressers, 2 desks, a book case, and some other random cabinet, in addition to the bed. It felt cluttered and claustrophobic. The power went out on Friday around 2pm, so I had some time to kill as I was dead in the water for work. So I moved some things around. Completely changed the orientation of my room and work space. Switched my work space to the antique writing desk and got rid of the other desk completely. Moved the bookcase closer to my bed, which I moved into the dormer cove. It feels more like a safe nest, and less exposed. The floor space is more open; it's easier for me to navigate. I've only stubbed my toe once fumbling around in the dark, and that is pretty remarkable. My work space feels more comfortable too. I have a place for my office supplies. My gifted CDs of music are more accessible for me to switch out. My pens are no longer just strewn about. Things have a place, and it just feels less chaotic. There is still a great deal of clutter and stuff to sort through/get rid of, but for now a few pockets of my space feel more like MY space.

I even added some "stuff" to the walls. I made a fairly large fluid painting, but I'm not sure I want to hang it yet. I'm still playing around with color and technique. My favorite one so far is now hung in the cove where my bed is, but it's a tiny painting and feels extremely out of place. I was thinking of mounting my completed paint by number and popping that up on one of the walls too. It's just so barren.

Speaking of barren...

I no longer am. After a glorious 7+ year hiatus from fertility via my IUD, it has finally run out of juice and I have returned to the land of the menstruating. I am not exactly happy about it, but it also makes some of my recent (over) reactions more understandable. As my body has shifted back to producing it's own hormones, I have been left feeling an undertone of depression. Quick tempered, more lethargic, mentally jumping to the worst case scenario, and generally just feeling left out and/or forgotten. In hindsight I could have approached the blowup with my father more appropriately. But maybe an explosive response was what he needed to be shaken out of his haze of my "blissful childhood." But last week I found myself keeping to myself. There were times I wanted to reach out to people, wanted to ask for time, for conversation, for something... but I didn't feel I had a right. Everyone has their own issues going on, and I didn't want to be a bother with my hormonal outbursts of emotional garbage. Instead I folded in on myself and spent a little time with some books, created a new painting, and dug in the dirt with my daughter. I'm still feeling a little fragile, a little left out, but I'm also falling back on my meditations and readings for comfort. Plus I placed an order online for birth control pills that should be arriving any day. Screw this hormonal nonsense. I prefer to be logical and emotionally sound. I almost feel like a flailing teenager with an unrequited crush and it's annoying as hell.

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I was reminded just now that everything is impermanent. And that even my hormonal mood swings can be met with steady, soft patience from within. Perhaps it really is best that I didn't reach out to anyone while I felt like I was floundering. No one else needs to witness to these moments of instability - mostly because of a fear of being judged and rejected for feeling weak. Sometimes I feel pretty brave in my vulnerability but lately I feel... more reserved. More embarrassed, really. I don't like feeling embarrassed or ashamed for feeling, even when the feelings are exaggerated and not necessarily normal. This has been a practice in letting things come to the forefront, acknowledging them (even acknowledging as irrational), and letting them slip away. It just hasn't been as graceful a process lately.