Sins of the Father

I just came to bed after a 2 hour long conversation with my father. There were angry words (mine), there were tears (ours), and there were apologies made (his). I told my father how I have been feeling, how interactions with him have left me feeling, cruel things that he has said, and his oblivious nature to everyone else around him. This time he heard me. He apologized and tried to explain things that he meant, vs things that he said. He explained that calling me sensitive was a compliment, not a weakness. He apologized for calling me a failure. He also apologized for confiding in me over and over about rebuilding a relationship with my brother, while the rest of us were chop liver. He explained where he was coming from, what he was trying to convey, and also realized that telling those particular thoughts and wishes he had about building a relationship with his son may not have been appropriate to share with one of the other siblings. He wasn't intentionally trying to be an asshole.

I have always known that it wasn't intentional, it has always been oblivion. But he also picks and chooses what he remembers, and if it doesn't directly involve him, his attention waivers.

I still feel like a stranger in this house, but now my father is aware of it. Maybe he and I can begin to work on some sort of relationship too.

We spent a little time talking about da Vinci, and it felt like it was common ground. My dad talking about the symbolism of the paintings, me pointing out painting techniques and mineral compounds used in his paint which also may have had religious significance. It was a safe topic, and it was much easier and more gentle than me calling him an absent father whoo leaves his disabled children stranded, and him countering that he and my mother doted on me hand and foot and perhaps I was spoiled and they were wrong to do so. That comment is actually what flung me right off the edge and into the "alright, that is just about enough out of you... Your perception is your own, but it is a far cry from my reality and I'm fucking tired of listening to you talk about things you know nothing about, just to hear yourself talk!"

It escalated pretty quickly, if I'm honest.

But it needed to. We both agreed that it was a long overdue expulsion of past hurts and lingering resentments that needed to be released. He thanked me for opening up and being honest with him. He teased he didn't think I'd take the transformation card quite so literally, and quite so immediately! I told him that he had no idea just how long this transformation had taken to get to where it is today.

Another step in a forward direction.

I told him he's paying for my therapy tomorrow. He laughed. I told him I wasn't kidding.