The Courage of the Seed
All the buried seeds
crack open in the dark
the instant they surrender
to a process they can't see.What a powerful lesson is the beginning of spring. All around us, everything small and buried surrenders to a process that none of the buried parts can see. And this innate surrender allows everything edible and fragrant to break ground into a life of light that we call spring.
In nature, we are quietly given countless models of how to give ourselves over to what appears to be dark and hopeless, but which ultimately is an awakening that is beyond all imagining. Moving through the dark into blossom is the threshold to God.
As a seed buried in the earth cannot imagine itself as an orchid or a hyacinth, neither can a heart packed with hurt imagine itself loved or at peace. The courage of the seed is that once cracking, it cracks all the way.
It's been an interesting couple of days. My sister sent me a quote early yesterday, and it resonates with the universal message of "courage" that seems to be springing up for me this week.
"Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest." -Maya Angelou
I'm struggling to find the words for what I experienced yesterday. The funeral was very different... It was a catholic ceremony in the church they have attended for over 30 years. They were active members, so the priest knew him well. He was also a veteran, and a very active member of the Legion Riders, so the parish was filled with men and women either in dress blues, or wearing their leather biker vests with pride. Sprinkle in a couple parish blue haired ladies and other family and friends. It was an interesting gathering of people, but the love was there. I didn't shed any tears during the visitation. And the moment that got me at the funeral was when they were folding the flag to present to his wife. These were not young soldiers... These were old veterans, their hands and bodies crooked with age and arthritis. They took such care folding that flag - ceremoniously removing every crease and wrinkle. You could see the pain in their hands nearly matched the pain in their hearts. This was their friend. It was beautiful and also devastating to watch. After the presentation of the flag, there was a 21 gun salute outside the church.
I'm not going to get into my feelings on mixing church and state. That is a topic for another day... But the way they were able to incorporate 2 things that meant so much to him - his faith and his country - into one ceremony was quite beautiful.
Afterwards I bit the bullet and went to the mercy luncheon held at the Legion post. The mean lady was there. She's one of the bartenders and my heart definitely softened towards her. I said nothing to her, and the family is unaware of the previous event. They don't ever need to know, and I have let it go. I spent the afternoon with family and friends, everyone visibly exhausted, but also a little relieved.
After the funeral stuff was done, I spent a little time with additional family and friends, taking a few moments to celebrate my birthday.
Last night as I was considering going to bed, my brother called and asked if he could swing by. He said he felt awful for not wishing me a happy birthday all day, and I told him it wasn't a problem. He had bigger things on his mind and I wasn't offended in the slightest. He apologized again, thinking he had somehow disappointed me. This wasn't the first apology I had gotten about my birthday that day, but I really tried to express to him (and to others) that I got to spend my day surrounded by my favorite people, even for a little while, so it was a good birthday. He said he really appreciated me stepping up and helping him navigate through the past 4 days.
We looked at each other and just understood... This was the practice run for our own father.
And as I listened to my father vomiting yet again this morning, the reality of his frailty is really starting to sink in. One step forward, two steps back... And as I witnessed with my SIL's father, it could all go sideways in a hurry. 2 weeks ago the oncologist gave him "maybe 3 years." It wasn't even 3 weeks later and he was gone. Things could move very quickly with my father, but I feel comfort knowing that my brother and I make a good team - and my sister is an excellent ring leader! When my father passes, I have confidence in my siblings and I to take care of what needs to be taken care of - to do as much as possible so my mother doesn't have to worry.
Maybe courage comes forward in this experience after all. We are all cracking open in the darkness of the unknown...
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