Today I haven't felt like doing anything. Luckily my mother had removed all the yummy junk food from the house so I couldn't just eat away my unhappiness. Nothing sounded good anyways, so there's that. I did eat a large salad for lunch that was pretty tasty, so at least I'm "eating my feelings" with healthier choices. I'm feeling pretty huge again on the scale front, so feeling anger is a good motivator to get moving. The weather is starting to break a bit, so going outside for walks is back on the radar. I'm physically (and financially) not ready to hit the gym again, so it's good to start somewhere.
I told my mother about my work situation this morning. She got a little teary when I did, that my boss doesn't want me to go, but it's just how that cookie has started to crumble. She started brainstorming ideas and said that while working remotely may have been a blessing as I transitioned back to MI, she didn't think it was my calling. She went on to say that she really thinks I would do better in an office setting, that I need the one on one interaction with people, and that I am better suited to dealing with customer service issues in a face to face setting. I must have made a face... I KNOW I made a face... I winced, and she asked if she was wrong.
I told her she was wrong in her personal assessment of what she thought I needed, what she thought would be best for me. She looked a little hurt and I explained to her that working with people in person is extremely hard for me. That while I loved working at the bank, it was a constant reminder all day every day that there is something "wrong" with me - and that people felt I owed them an explanation. "Whats with the rings?" "Why are you wearing a brace?" "What's wrong with you, you don't act sick..." There was one day in MN at the bank that my branch manager asked me if I wanted to go take a break for a minute, as every single person in my queue for a solid 45 minutes asked about my hands. Every. Single. One. And while telling people to mind their own fucking business seems like a logical response, my position within the company did not allow for something like that. I was expected to nod and smile and give little pieces of myself away to complete strangers. I don't want to do that anymore.
She said she hadn't even considered that part, and she apologized for assuming she knew what it was like to be me. I told her I wasn't offended, but I also can't just go along with what she deems as "best for me" because she isn't living in my body, or experiencing the things that I am. I mentioned private call centers or something like that. I don't want to do sales. I briefly touched on making another attempt at disability, and she asked if it would be enough to live off of. I told her it entirely depends on what amount they approve me for, if they approve me. She told me I should find out how much it would cost to have a lawyer help me with my submission, to get it pushed through. I told her I would look into it again.
I'm so tired this week. Like someone has just pushed me to the bottom of a pool and I'm flailing in slow motion, yet the pressure is building. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I can feel myself getting gun shy, waiting for the next thing to go sideways, but I also don't want to live that way. I've been there, done that, and my adrenals paid the price.
This mornings meditation was on "conflict resolution in the work place" and I literally laughed. Then I realized that my initial feelings of hurt and betrayal were valid. I had every right to feel upset with the way the situation played out. Yet I chose release and truth as my means of dealing with it. I was honest with my boss about how it made me feel, but I was calm and thoughtful. I didn't criticize him as a person, as a professional over all, simply stated my disappointment in his execution and that I felt my trust had been broken. He was receptive and understood where I was coming from. He admitted he went about it the wrong way, and apologized for not including me. So... Yay? That still doesn't change the fact that I'm now left with a big fat question mark of what do I do now... but at least no bridges have been burned.
No comments:
Post a Comment