Numbness

The line between living and watching is very thin. A moment's rest or pause for reflection can spread into a thickness of hesitation, and the next thing we know, reaching out or saying something or picking up the phone or stopping by unannounced is difficult, as if there is suddenly some huge wall to climb just to be heard...
...But when we obey the feelings of hesitation and separation more powerfully than those of love, we start to experience numbness and depression.

Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening, April 9th reading excerpts

Numbness. Numbness is what kept me alive for several years. The ability to wrap myself into a cocoon of depression and numbness to block out enough to keep me sane. But numbness is also what kept me from really living too. I've been so embarrassed by the hold depression had on me for so long. I have seen and felt the frustration of my loved ones as they watched me flounder along, so desperately unhappy, yet also unable to take control and really do something about it. "Why haven't you done this seemingly simple thing to be free and to finally be happy yet?" 

Because I couldn't. There isn't a single explanation or reason. I just... couldn't. 

But things have changed. I'm taking the concrete steps I need to take to get it together, and get it done. I am no longer a prisoner of depression and numbness. I am no longer simply trying to survive. I'm finally ready to live. 

Speaking of living... Having spent a little quality time with death, I think there are a few important things I've discovered/remembered/accepted this week especially: 

I'm not afraid of death. Me and death seem to be friendly acquaintances now. Not quite friends, but we do that head nod thing at gatherings to acknowledge each other. I flinch at the uncertainty of certain aspects of death, but I'm not afraid of dying. Don't get me wrong, death still sucks for the most part, but the simple act of the body ceasing to function and the spirit moving forward in grace is natural and beautiful to me. It's the emotional aftermath part of the surviving parties that pushes me towards those feelings of uncertainty or anxiety. My subconscious has been playing some pretty strange tricks on me lately while I'm trying to sleep, and I've had a very specific dream twice now. It always ends the same, and I always wake with a feeling of not belonging. Perhaps feeling like I don't belong is where my fear lies. 

I am learning to embrace uncertainty. If nothing else, last week was a reminder of the truth that nothing on this earth is solid. Everything is transitory. Everything is constantly changing, whether we're aware of it or not, and whether we like it or not. Life is just one phase and change after another, and while there were times I have felt myself getting sucked under with the enormity of it all coming at me seemingly at once, I have fully allowed myself to embrace my faith - the one solid constant in the flux of a life chaotic. In the calm and stillness of the eye of the storm, that is where God is. 

I'm stronger than I thought. In the past I questioned my own strength and hid in my depression to avoid doing the hard work. But now that I've stepped forward into my life, I've realized that I am much stronger than I previously gave myself credit for. Or perhaps I'm just stronger now than I was before. Either way, I am beginning to appreciate my capabilities a little bit more every day. 

Numbness was my escapist addiction. I don't need it or even want anything to do with it anymore. I have grown to love feeling, and I never want it to go away. I want to experience and embrace it all. "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." Rainer Maria Rilke

Wow. I'm really tired now. Perhaps tonight I will have sweet dreams (or none at all) as I've allowed myself to vent some of my inner swirling thoughts. Release the pressure valve a bit!