Crabby Pants

Man, I am just not feeling it today. My guided meditation left me feeling disconnected and a little sad (it was regarding building and appreciating our communities of support we create for ourselves). My daily reading was about having The Courage to Join, also referencing connection to the universe as a whole, as honoring everything we come into contact with as family (a Native American philosophy on healing). My angel card was Responsibility.

The real story comes from a love-source

that cannot be understood with intellect, but

known only as a person is known.

-Coleman Barks

I just seem to have woken up in a bit of a funk. I've been trying to let whatever negative feelings I have bubble to the surface so they can have their moment in the place of honor, be acknowledged, then released. Talking about some very personal and difficult life experiences yesterday cracked open a can of vulnerability, and has been a catalyst for some of these other brooding, crabby thoughts to push forward. 

As I logged into work this morning I noticed there was an update on the calendar. My co-worker is having his annual review today. I found myself seething a little... This would have been the appropriate time for my annual review as well, and the raise that had been promised and pushed back from the 60 day mark. Instead of a raise, I'm being replaced. I thought I had dealt with my initial feelings of betrayal last week, but today I find them popping back up and shadowing my mood. As I was reading along about the oneness of the universe, and all things being connected and beautiful, I caught myself frowning and thinking "yeah, until the universe takes a beautiful shit on your life and you're the one stuck cleaning it up." Clearly I am not in the most receptive, zen enlightened state at the moment. I feel prickly, and I'm trying to understand why. 

I talked with a friend this morning, and in the course of that conversation I had a couple thoughts about why I seem to have stumbled myself right off the tracks. Part of it is the aftermath of caring for my parents. I have been stuck in a pretty constant state if unknowing and high stress for the past couple months. There have been important/significant losses along the way too. But as the seas of my life start to calm in this moment, I'm finding the transition to be a difficult one. I'm trying to down shift out of that higher gear that I have been functioning in for an extended period of time, and I'm just left feeling like the bottom has dropped out. I don't know what to do with myself at times, and it's a little unnerving. There are big changes on the horizon, and I'm coiled like a cat ready to pounce on those opportunities for change. But I have to wait. Not long, but I have to wait to act. I've been functioning on this high pitched, nearly frantic frequency, and I just have to be patient. Mom always said when I was little: Patience isn't the ability to wait. It's the ability to have a good attitude while waiting. She's not wrong. There is so much truth to that. 

But every once in a while I'm just not in a great mood, and that's okay too. 

Only now I don't have the same reaction as before. Previously, when bad moods hit, I would hide myself away, pretend everything was fine. Fester and scowl alone. Now I don't want to do that. I want to acknowledge that I'm in a bad mood, try to understand the why, and what can I do to change it? I don't want to hide myself away. If anything, I crave being near my friends more than anything right now. I need my community, my circle. And it is my responsibility to be the one to reach out, to say that I need support in this moment. 

Okay Universe. I'm done being a crabby pants for now. And that shit you took? It's okay. Everybody poops. Lets work together to get it cleaned up.