I'm completely at a crossroads in my life right now. So I took a step. I don't know if it was in the right direction, but it was a step in ANY direction. And now that I've taken it, I'm glad. Glad and freaking the heck out. But it was a step... and I can't be in limbo any longer. I can't hide or lie or pretend to feel something I don't. I had no freaking idea how hard this was going to be...
But it is what it is, and I've taken a step.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Taoist Thoughts...
I need to settle my heart and my mind on these thoughts.
“You can trust everyone to be human, with all the quirks and inconsistencies we humans display, including disloyalty, dishonesty and downright treachery. We are all capable of the entire range of human behavior, given the circumstances, from absolute saintliness to abject depravity. Trusting someone to limit their sphere of action to one narrow band on the spectrum is idealistic and will inevitably lead to disappointment.
On the other hand, you can decide to trust that everyone is doing their best according to their particular stage of development, and to give everyone their appropriate berth. For this to work, you have to trust yourself to make and have made the right choices that will lead you on the path to your healthy growth. You have to trust yourself to come through every experience safely and enriched. But don’t trust what I am saying. Listen and then decide for yourself. Does this information sit easily in your belly? You know when you trust yourself around someone because your belly feels settled and your heart feels warm.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior
“Who you are is always right.”
― Deng Ming-Dao, Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony
“For a few moments, attune your mind to the idea of harmony and peaceful coexistence flowing among all peoples and nations.
The source of this idea is deep within your heart.
As you calmly breathe in and out, picture it radiating from you like a fine, colored vapor gradually covering the face of the earth.
See it enter the hearts of everyone, especially those stuck in the mad zones.
Feel it circulate everywhere until it comes all the way round and back to you.
This is love in action.
The source of this love is the Tao.
Savor this.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior
“When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the slightest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.”
― Hsin Hsin Ming
I had discussed with the therapist that I felt like I was in perpetual limbo. And that when I went up north by myself and asked the universe what I was supposed to do, the answer I got was "you don't have to decide today." The more I'm looking into Taoism and the principles that surround it, maybe I'm not so wishy-washy and "in limbo" after all - maybe I've just been a Taoist my whole life and didn't even know it. It drives my spouse CRAZY when he asks me for my opinion/suggestions on a decision (dinner, for example) and I tell him that I have no preference. For years I would make suggestions only for him to turn around and choose something completely different, leaving me feeling unheard and invalidated. Now when he asks, I have no preference - not because I'm spiteful and no longer want to participate in the decision making process, but because I truly have no preference any more. It's not to say "I don't care," it's more along the lines of letting go of things I ultimately have little/no control of anyways.
I'm rambling...
“You can trust everyone to be human, with all the quirks and inconsistencies we humans display, including disloyalty, dishonesty and downright treachery. We are all capable of the entire range of human behavior, given the circumstances, from absolute saintliness to abject depravity. Trusting someone to limit their sphere of action to one narrow band on the spectrum is idealistic and will inevitably lead to disappointment.
On the other hand, you can decide to trust that everyone is doing their best according to their particular stage of development, and to give everyone their appropriate berth. For this to work, you have to trust yourself to make and have made the right choices that will lead you on the path to your healthy growth. You have to trust yourself to come through every experience safely and enriched. But don’t trust what I am saying. Listen and then decide for yourself. Does this information sit easily in your belly? You know when you trust yourself around someone because your belly feels settled and your heart feels warm.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior
“Who you are is always right.”
― Deng Ming-Dao, Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony
“For a few moments, attune your mind to the idea of harmony and peaceful coexistence flowing among all peoples and nations.
The source of this idea is deep within your heart.
As you calmly breathe in and out, picture it radiating from you like a fine, colored vapor gradually covering the face of the earth.
See it enter the hearts of everyone, especially those stuck in the mad zones.
Feel it circulate everywhere until it comes all the way round and back to you.
This is love in action.
The source of this love is the Tao.
Savor this.”
― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior
“When love and hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the slightest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.”
― Hsin Hsin Ming
I had discussed with the therapist that I felt like I was in perpetual limbo. And that when I went up north by myself and asked the universe what I was supposed to do, the answer I got was "you don't have to decide today." The more I'm looking into Taoism and the principles that surround it, maybe I'm not so wishy-washy and "in limbo" after all - maybe I've just been a Taoist my whole life and didn't even know it. It drives my spouse CRAZY when he asks me for my opinion/suggestions on a decision (dinner, for example) and I tell him that I have no preference. For years I would make suggestions only for him to turn around and choose something completely different, leaving me feeling unheard and invalidated. Now when he asks, I have no preference - not because I'm spiteful and no longer want to participate in the decision making process, but because I truly have no preference any more. It's not to say "I don't care," it's more along the lines of letting go of things I ultimately have little/no control of anyways.
I'm rambling...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Universe Has A Frying Pan...
Ever feel like the Universe has a frying pan? And just when you're losing your shit and acting crazy, you get that *PLANG!* up the side of your head? Sometimes the universe whispers sweetly in your ear, sometimes you get the frying pan.
I was cruising around on Facebook and was struck by this quote:
I was cruising around on Facebook and was struck by this quote:
"However capable and skillful an individual may be, left alone, he or she will not survive. When we are sick or very young or very old, we must depend on the support of others. There is no significant division between us and other people, because our basic natures are the same. If we wish to ensure everyone’s peace and happiness we need to cultivate a healthy respect for the diversity of our peoples and cultures, founded on an understanding of this fundamental sameness of all human beings."
~ Dalai Lama ~
I have such a hard time with this concept. When I'm sick or hurt I just want to be alone. Asking for help is SO HARD.
**EDIT**
A friend had this posted on his gmail chat status. The Universe is definitely talking to me today...
**EDIT**
A friend had this posted on his gmail chat status. The Universe is definitely talking to me today...
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
One of THOSE Days
You know the ones... Where it feels like you can't do anything right and the world knows it? That you just can't quite get a handle on what exactly you're supposed to be doing at any given moment? I'm having one of those days today. And it's not because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing - I know exactly what I should be doing. I even have a prioritized "to do" list!
I just don't want to. Any of it.
I just want to shrug off all my responsibilities and head back up north, waving my middle finger as I go. Not helping with ANYTHING, just dumping everything at everyone else's feet and saying "here, you deal with all this - I'm done for now. Oh, you don't know how to take care of this? Well guess what, I didn't either until you initially dumped it at MY feet and asked me to take care of it. Did I bitch and complain? NO. I made some phone calls, asked some people, and FIGURED SHIT OUT without whining and complaining the whole freaking time. You know why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ADULTS DO. No one is going to hand you things on a silver platter, that just isn't realistic. Sometimes you have to work hard and figure things out all on your own. Here, take all this and give it a try." (shove shove shove)
Yeah... It's one of those days. I should go outside and sit in the sun for a bit. Get my Vitamin D on and just soak it up.
Can you tell I hurt my wrist this morning? I did. Totally got bashed while trying to get a temper tantrum induced toddler dressed. It hurt. A lot. Got my wheels turning that I'm not sure how much of this I'm expected to actually take. I'm not feeling very strong right now. Quite the opposite. I've feeling exceptionally fragile and vulnerable. So I'm putting up my normal front when things are spiraling out of control... "Everything is just fine and I'm happy to just be alive!" It's a front... I'm losing control over here...
I want bacon... <3
I just don't want to. Any of it.
I just want to shrug off all my responsibilities and head back up north, waving my middle finger as I go. Not helping with ANYTHING, just dumping everything at everyone else's feet and saying "here, you deal with all this - I'm done for now. Oh, you don't know how to take care of this? Well guess what, I didn't either until you initially dumped it at MY feet and asked me to take care of it. Did I bitch and complain? NO. I made some phone calls, asked some people, and FIGURED SHIT OUT without whining and complaining the whole freaking time. You know why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ADULTS DO. No one is going to hand you things on a silver platter, that just isn't realistic. Sometimes you have to work hard and figure things out all on your own. Here, take all this and give it a try." (shove shove shove)
Yeah... It's one of those days. I should go outside and sit in the sun for a bit. Get my Vitamin D on and just soak it up.
Can you tell I hurt my wrist this morning? I did. Totally got bashed while trying to get a temper tantrum induced toddler dressed. It hurt. A lot. Got my wheels turning that I'm not sure how much of this I'm expected to actually take. I'm not feeling very strong right now. Quite the opposite. I've feeling exceptionally fragile and vulnerable. So I'm putting up my normal front when things are spiraling out of control... "Everything is just fine and I'm happy to just be alive!" It's a front... I'm losing control over here...
I want bacon... <3
Monday, May 6, 2013
A Break
I mentioned I was going to head up north to my parents house for a bit of a break - a little reprieve of my life to just relax, heal, think, and be.
It was wonderful.
I sent an email to the bestie describing what I did, and I shall paste it here... Since it perfectly articulated what I did, why try to recreate the wheel. ;3
What I Did on My Summer Vacation
It was wonderful.
I sent an email to the bestie describing what I did, and I shall paste it here... Since it perfectly articulated what I did, why try to recreate the wheel. ;3
What I Did on My Summer Vacation
1) Ate Bacon
2) Ate Candied Bacon
3) Ate Smores
4) Ate Candied Bacon... ON a Smore (struck culinary genius with this one)
5) Printed stuff on tank tops
6) Made some crappy art
7) Took a (mostly) naked nap in the sun on the deck
8) Went for a hike with B'scotch
9) Ate Bacon
10) Played fetch with B'scotch for hours
11) Went for a 2 mile walk with B'scotch (walking in sand should count for 3x the activity)
12) Thought about who I've become - and that I don't care for her very much. Also thought about finally being honest with DH about who I feel I am - what I've been twisted into, and what I've done in the past. This TERRIFIES me, but I can't move forward with my head firmly wedged up my ass in the past. "You gotta put your behind in your past."
13) Slept in a huge snuggley comfy bed.
14) Woke with the sunrise, went to bed when I was tired
15) Meditated
16) Did some gentle yoga poses/stretches
17) Laid in the grass and just listened...
18) Ate Bacon
Next time I will go up for more than 44 hours.
OH! I also took a couple baths... in the ginormous Jacuzzi tub. Just me and Buddha, chillin.
I suspect he's up to something...
Friday, May 3, 2013
Disappearing For A Bit...
So I've already been pretty quiet lately. Nothing overly different to say, I guess.
But tonight I am unplugging and disappearing into the woods for the weekend. I'm going to take my small dog with me for company, but that's it. No spouse, no kids, no friends... Just me and B. I'm taking my sketchbook and drawing supplies, stuff to make Ukrainian eggs, and another craft project for my 3-day training shirts.
My plan is to do some walking, take some pictures, create some art... And just be. No responsibilities. Just peace and quiet. It will be interesting. I'm sure I'll have something to say about it when I get back.
Be well, my friends. <3
But tonight I am unplugging and disappearing into the woods for the weekend. I'm going to take my small dog with me for company, but that's it. No spouse, no kids, no friends... Just me and B. I'm taking my sketchbook and drawing supplies, stuff to make Ukrainian eggs, and another craft project for my 3-day training shirts.
My plan is to do some walking, take some pictures, create some art... And just be. No responsibilities. Just peace and quiet. It will be interesting. I'm sure I'll have something to say about it when I get back.
Be well, my friends. <3
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