Pay It Forward

I did something today I haven't done before. Not to this extent anyways... I paid it forward. And it felt GOOD.

I went to Michaels to get craft supplies for a fundraiser I have in mind for the 3-day. As I walked to my car, a young woman, who looked lost, scared, and overwhelmed approached me. "Excuse me ma'am... I am so embarrassed to do this, but do you have a couple bucks? Our car is out of gas and we have a long way to go. I'm so sorry to bother you..." She looked down in shame. Her clothes looked like she had been in the car... for a while. I looked at her, smiled, and said "do you have enough gas to get to the gas station?" She looked bewildered and stammered "I... I think so?" I nodded and said "Ok. I'll follow you to the gas station and put a couple bucks in your gas tank..." It was at his point one of her travelling mates got out of the car. "Heather, what are you doing?? We'll figure it out, leave that lady alone..." I smiled again and shook my head. "Its no bother... Can you make it to the gas station?" Her jaw dropped and she nodded. "Ok. I'll follow you."

It was as if the traffic Gods were smiling. During rush hour we had a perfect opening for both cars to turn left on a busy street. The lights cooperated and we were able to coast into the gas station just as their car ran out of gas. I walked up to the car, swiped my car and asked where they were headed. Heather chimed in they were heading to Alma or some such city. They mentioned they weren't from around here (the car had a Maine plate) and that they were literally stranded in a city they weren't familiar with, with no friends or family anywhere nearby. I nodded as I listened, thoughtful to what they had been through. "When was the last time you ate?" They looked at each other, then to me, then down at their shoes. "Its been a couple days..."

I looked to the driver. "Ok. Here's the deal. You, fill up the car. And Heather, come inside the gas station with me and pick out a couple drinks and snacks for your trip." Heather followed after me, thanking me profusely and praising God. We got a couple items and the other girl came in with my receipt. As I was purchasing the food, they both told the cashier that I was an "angel from heaven." He looked at them like they were crazy. When he looked to me, I smiled and gave him a wink. When we got back outside, the girls both gave me several hugs, thanked me profusely, and again said I was an amazing person. I smiled and said "I'm not an amazing person. I've done plenty in my life that I am not proud of. Plenty that would categorize me as far from saintly... But I have one stipulation to my generosity today..." They both looked so scared... "I only ask that you pay it forward. That if you see someone else who is struggling, you give them a leg up if you are able. That is my only request."

"Ma'am, you have a deal. You've saved our lives today... and we will never forget you." Another hug and they were on their way. I wish them well.

Random acts of kindness... They do exist... and I'm proud I was able to participate today.

A New Focus

I registered for the Komen 3-day walk in August. It might end up being physically impossible for me to do, but damnit I'm going to try. I have to do something... I've just felt so lifeless and empty lately. I need to do something for myself that reminds me I'm alive. Not only for myself, but also for the millions of women who have fought against breast cancer.

It may not have been the "smartest" thing for me to sign up to do, given my physical limitations and emotional vulnerability at the moment... but I did it. I need a goal. Something to work towards...

One step at a time...

A Hallow Shell

I downloaded a fun little horoscope app onto my phone, as I was curious what the stars had to say about things for me... So far it's been pretty on the money - saying that things are pretty tumultuous at the moment.

Todays said: You know where you are and you know where you want to be. That is the first step and the last step. All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way!

Seems about right.

But there was something else about this app that caught my attention and made me go "hmm..."

The attributes of my sign are: Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious.

There was a time when I was all of those things. I intimidated people with my determination and my demanding/commanding presence. Where did I go? When did I lose my "oomph?" I can feel little pieces of the old me trying desperately to break free. Pushing to the surface. Trying to catch a breath of air to bolster itself to finally break out of the hallow shell of whom I've become.

I want to get back to me. I want to be the intelligent, vibrant woman I once was. Now, I understand that I will never be completely the same. I know that my body is different now, on so many levels, that my physical self will never get back to the way that it was. I'm pretty ok with that. I've never been 100% comfortable in my own skin anyways, so this is nothing new. But lately I haven't been comfortable in my own head either. It's kind of a shit storm in there...

You know where you are. Yep. I know exactly where I am. A broken, faded, reflection of who I once was.

You know where you want to be. I want to resurface - to breathe - to rekindle the love affair with myself. To embrace my Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective and Ambitious self.

All you have to do is fill in the middle and you're on your way! Of course they make this part sound so easy... so whimsical, haha. Falling in love with me again means admitting I've falling out of love. With myself, with others... with life. I had forgotten what passion felt like. I had forgotten what inspiration feels like as it tingles its way through you, guiding you, proding you, encouraging you onward.

This week someone said to me "You are wise beyond your years. I almost feel dumb around you. You don't make me feel that way.. but you are just a smart girl." It was the nicest compliment I have gotten in a very long time... and it kinda felt like the old me was making an appearance again.

Hiding Doesn't Help...

Therapy Round 2 this past Monday. The session itself was pretty mild, the conversations after were a bit more indepth.

Then the 24 hours lag it takes hubby to process set in and it's been a whirl-wind since, to say the least. He's panicing, scrambling, smothering me... He doesn't understand that by doing that he is pushing me further away.

And I've been hurting. My whole body just hurts... and I'm not sure how to tell him I can't take anymore. I am having a really hard time hurting as much on the inside as I do on the outside. It's getting to be overwhelming. I can't make the physical stop or go away... I'm stuck with that for now. But I just want a break from the emotional hurt and pain too. I just want a little time away for myself to just breathe a little, regroup, find my footing again...

But even if I ask for it, I won't get it. I'll have to demand it, take it regardless of hurt feelings and tears, and power through.

This sucks.

And now he's acting like everything is fine. Hiding in plain sight...

Music Sets Free the Soul

I've been really listening to lyrics lately... looking for deeper meaning... being able to transport myself to a different time or place by simply letting go into the music and words.

Several songs move me to tears, but a particular song is stuck in my brain lately.

I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons

This song instantly takes me out of my body into a meadow, warming my skin with the sun, fingertips brushing along the tall grass, the scent sweet and fresh. I can't help but close my eyes, tip my chin towards the warmth and spread my arms wide - utter submission of myself to the sensation. As the crescendo builds, I feel the clouds roll in, opening up, pouring down on me. I kneel, giving in...


            So I'll be bold
            As well as strong
            And use my head alongside my heart
            So tame my flesh
            And fix my eyes
            That tethered mind free from the lies

            But I'll kneel down
            Wait for now
            I'll kneel down
            Know my ground

            Raise my hands
            Paint my spirit gold
            And bow my head
            Keep my heart slow

Interesting Side Effect...

Went to couples therapy Monday night. It was originally meant to be for us to work through our issues and learning to cope with the "new normal" together. But as I was seeing the councellor separately first, it kind of morphed into what can I do to make myself more comfortable, more stress-free, and the topic of me "taking a break" from my family was discussed. I had a breakdown and told hubby all about the things I had been thinking/feeling (wanting to leave, having everything planned out should I "accidentally" parish, not feeling happy, etc) and he was actually excited to go to therapy. I was so uncomfortable the entire time I was there, but I had some very moving moments of opening up about my past relationships - of what has brought me to where I am today.

I had an enormous breakthrough of letting go of past hurts... I have always been very envious of the relationship my mother and sister have, and as long as I can remember, my mother has always said "I don't want to hear it" when I would attempt to be closer to her - to share my life with her on a deeper level. I thought for years it was something I had said or done that caused her to have no interest in a deeper relationship with me. It wasn't until this therapy session that I realized it's not because she doesn't love me - it's because she loves me so much that when I share hard times and pain, it is just too intense for her. I can empathize with that completely. Its her defense mechanism that I had been misunderstanding as lack of interest/lack of caring. I felt a great sense of relief, a weight lifted from me when it finally dawned on me.

The rest of the session wasn't quite so warm and fuzzy (not that the previous realization was what I would call warm and fuzzy to begin with)... Hubby admitted he knew I wasn't happy, that he doesn't think I've ever really been "happy," nor does he really believe I'm capable. That was hard to hear, but mostly because it's true. We talked about how I internalize EVERYTHING and never really let things out. It was good to have that acknowledged.

But the strangest thing happend on the way home. I started to hurt... All over. And intense ache through every tissue in my body. I suspect I've not only been internalizing my mental pain, but my physical as well. I was not prepared for such a flood of physical pain. I am NOT a fan of that... If opening up and being a better person means being in chronic pain all the time, I'll take being an introverted hag over the alternative any day...