Listening Without Judgement

I don't know a single person who does not struggle with Listening Without Judgement. Especially when listening to those we love and care about. And coming from a variety of codependent relationships in my life, it has made me acutely aware of when I am being judged. Especially during those often rare times what I open up to friends and family. But those times of opening up on my end are becoming more frequent, and my ability to cope with judgement (warranted and not) is also gaining strength.

My relationship with my mother felt crippling for such a long time. Her judgements of my thoughts and actions were always at the surface. "Why would you want to do that? That seems silly. You should do this instead. It will be better for you in the long run." So I would hide away my dreams and wishes, not wanting to be judged and told I was doing it "wrong." Little did I realize, but the "it" I was going about doing wrong in my mother's eyes was living my life on MY terms.

I have experienced this same type of judgement in some of my friendships too. I think they affect me in slightly more subtle ways, but it still gives me the sensation of "you're doing it wrong." The difference with it coming from anyone but my mother is that I'm not as offended by it. The advice offered and the concerns shared come from a place of love. They don't want to see me get hurt, and they want me to be successful in getting my shit together. Who doesn't want these things for the ones they love?

Today's meditation rang some internal alarms. That I too offer unsolicited advice at times when really, the person speaking just needs me to listen, to be present and witness what they are expressing in gentle observation. My internal voice labeling what I am hearing as good or bad is no longer listening... it has transformed into judgement.

"Observe what you are hearing with non-judgemental awareness. Listen without reaction."

I am by no means saying that I am simply dismissing my past (and present) mistakes and that I am not accountable for my actions. I absolutely am aware that some of my decisions have been questionable at best. I have been making an effort as of late to make decisions based on what feels right for me, and worrying less about how it will be interpreted by others.

"But isn't that a bad idea?"

This reminds me of an old story I once read in a book of Buddhist teachings. I don't recall the book or author or anything worth citing, other than the story itself.

There once was an old man who lived in a village. One day, his horse ran away. "Such bad fortune!" cried his neighbors. 

"Maybe," said the man.

The next day, his horse returned but brought along 2 wild horses with it. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed his neighbors.

"Maybe," said the man.

Shortly after the horses returned, the man's son tried to ride one of the wild horses. He was thrown and broke his leg. "Such bad fortune!" cried the neighbors. 

"Maybe," said the man.

Not long after that, the army marched into the village, recruiting all the young men to head off to war. Seeing the man's son walking with a crutch, they passed him over and moved on. "Such good fortune!" exclaimed the neighbors. 

"Maybe," said the man.

Maybe. We are never privy to knowing what is going to happen next, in the grand scheme of things. So to make the judgement of good or bad may be premature. We can follow our instincts and be present in each moment, but things can always go in the opposite direction in the blink of an eye.

I am working very hard on gaining mental and emotional strength. My therapist is a great help. My daily meditations are very enlightening, and a small reassurance that I've finally got myself pointed in the right direction for me. There is a rocky road ahead, but I am feeling confident in my own abilities to tackle it.

At least for today, haha.