Stable?

So it has been a little while since I've dedicated any real time to this blog, and quite a bit and nothing at all has happened in the last 2 years.

Medically I'm pretty stable. The occasional dislocation, and an ache in my fused wrist that comes and goes. My health has been a little shaky since December 30, 2017 - when I started getting symptoms of the flu - and it's been a long road to feeling better. I suspect my prolonged recovery is entirely due to stress and emotional overload.

As far as relationships go, I'm in a really unique place. On the one hand my marriage is over. In truth, it ended years ago, perhaps before it ever got started... but I am living with my parents again after spending the last year in Minnesota. I am getting my affairs in order to file and proceed with divorce. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. But it needs to be done. I can't pretend or delay it any longer. I'm sure I will be chronicling the process here. Or somewhere. On the other hand I'm also teetering on the edge of something new and completely different. I'm struggling with trying to keep things in check (as to not rush into anything) and yet I feel overwhelmingly that I need to honor myself enough to live authentically, and be present in the here and now. I am learning so much about myself, and what a more healthy relationship could look like.

Financially I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm making just enough to pay my current responsibilities, but not enough to even consider moving out on my own. It's frustrating, but at the same time, there is a reason to stay grounded where I am at the moment, and I'm learning to trust the process, to trust that God's divine plan has put me exactly where I need to be in this moment, and I welcome it. I am taking the time to actually pause and observe, and not to just rush through and get to the next phase already.

Which brings me to faith. I have always been pretty private with my faith and beliefs - and I have never been one to shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. After Joe died and I found his body, I found going to church was unbearable. Mass was overwhelming. My relationship with God became even more quiet, more reserved. It's not that I lost faith, I just didn't explore it further. I put up many walls during that time, and that including walling off my relationship with God. I've started thawing the walls of ice of that relationship, and I think it's another instance of being present and being observant in the moment.

I started doing a 7 day meditation program to continue training myself to be more "mindfully aware." I've gotten so good at putting on blinders and cramming my fingers in my ears, and I'm really trying to open my eyes, pull my fingers out of my ears, and gently submerge myself back into my own life.